Under the Stars

It wasn’t chilly it was fucking cold as the night grew longer. But I didn’t feel the cold. My pocket of warm air and the roof made of air kept me dry and warm as I stared up in the darkness with my sleeping bag. I hadn’t done this in a few months, and was grateful as a child I’d never had an October survival class. I was one of the lucky ones.

I was in the worse place, at the worst time. Sleep was fitful. If I wasn’t dreaming about my nightmare I was dreaming about the night I sparked. It happened every year around this time. Halloween was not my favorite holiday. It was always tinged with hatred and sadness and full blown panic and anxiety attacks. Being here was only making it worse.

My mother was less than 20 yards from me. My mother had a family without me. That stung far worse than anything in the world. And she talked about me, was proud of me like she had any right to claim such feats. I wasn’t her son. She hated me. She threw me away.

The downward spiral had started the moment I’d started recognizing the area. And then the porch. But I couldn’t hate her family for my mother’s actions. Jesse was a nice guy. The boys were my brothers even if I didn’t like it. They were family. Much like Kai was my family and I hadn’t ever known.

4am came earlier than usual with my lack of sleep. I hadn’t even really had my nightmare true and simple. Sleep was fitful. But I got up and put away my things. I was in the middle of downward dog when the door opened. I looked through my legs and saw my mother sitting in the rocking chair watching me. But I didn’t let it bother me. I could feel the desire to drown in nothing welling up inside me. It was early this year. Not by much but there was only one time that my desire to die rose so high. I usually spent the nights leading up to in Sage’s basement drunk or high out of my mind just so I didn’t have to feel anything. Sage was a good host. And an even better friend. Why his parents put up with it I don’t know. I guess they understood more than most being werewolves and all. They probably smelled the anxiety that dripped off of me like toxic sludge.

I stayed in child pose at the end of my normal routine. I didn’t want to look up and see my mother watching me. But she didn’t say anything until Michaela came out. I heard and smelled her before she squatted down in front of me. “You hungry?”

“I could eat.” I mumbled.

“Do you need a shower?”

I sat up on my heels and looked at Michaela then over at my mom. “I have to go into the house don’t I?

She nodded. “And that’s where breakfast will be.”

I took a deep breathe and nodded. “Alright. But if I can’t do it I’m leaving.”

“Leanne understands.” Michaela said as she headed back to the house and sat down beside my mother. Now both women we staring at me.