The Long Walk

I walked out of the restaurant and stopped at the curb trying to decide if I wanted to walk to Sage’s house in Hell’s Kitchen or to take the train. I didn’t get to make that decision as my father stepped up next to me. I could smell the fake leather cologne he was wearing and wondered if he thought Leanne would like it.

He stared across the street like I did. “I didn’t know about you.”

“I know.”

“If I had…”

“If you had what, Kai. You would have treated me like the rest of your kids? Their mother’s raised them, you were an accessory they got to tout when they wanted to make an impression. Adam and Marius were always oh I’m a Viddens, hear me roar. And they aren’t even on the hunter track.”

Kai frowned. “You are right. Your existence would be the same as it is now. I frowned upon you even when you weren’t my son. I probably would have done worse than your mother by ignoring you.”

I shrugged. “Whatever.” I turned and started walking to Sage’s apartment but my father fell in step.

“This is all very new to me. Your mother was just a diversion while I was on a hunt out of town. I never intended.”

I smirked. “That’s what condom’s are for Dad. The did have them back the right?”

Kai shook his head, “Are you always so…”

“So much like you?” I asked.

A smile played across his lips and was gone almost instantly. “I suppose that’s one way of putting it.”

“Tomorrow, your mother and I will untie you from us, but neither of us have any rights to be there. For what it’s worth, Nox. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you through the best part of your life.”

I shrugged, “The best part of my life hasn’t even started, sir. Once I can do what I want I don’t need to take any more of the Venatori bullshit.”

Kai frowned. “You are one of us.”

I shook my head. “No I’m not. Never have been, and never will be.”

Kai sighed and headed down into the stair well for the train back to the AU building. He called up the stairs. “Nox, don’t do anything stupid.”

I laughed. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

I could have taken the train with my father. I hadn’t realized I had headed in that direction when I started but it was. So I made the block and walked slowly to Sage’s house.

He lived in a rough and tumble neighborhood. It was gang territory as far as the humans were concerned, but it was really a werewolf pack that wasn’t a pack run by one of my therapists. I hadn’t seen Adrian in a few years as a client, but I had seen him as a friend. Sage and I have opposite problems. Sage can’t stand to be touched and I’m an excessive toucher. Margo says it’s because I’m looking for someone to love me. That my lack of parents and hugs caused me to become wanton of such acts.

Which she says grew into my need to be promiscuous sexually. Which is where Adrian came in. After I found out about boys, and then girls. I was an active seeker of sexual pleasure as a means to making myself feel loved. But for me feeling loved is also feeling dejected and lower than lower, so I am literally a doormat. That’s what Adrian likened my submissive tendencies too. He taught me about the power dynamic I could have with a little help. It was about sex, but it was about a lot more. Where Margo couldn’t help me, Adrian did, but neither replaced a parent who would love me. And no amount of sex was ever going to make that pain go away.

I know that this all sounds like shrink talk, but after going to a therapist since I was 6 years old a lot of things happen and one of them is understanding yourself in a way that others will never understand. Because I am who I am, and my need to understand things I asked Margo if I could read her notes on me. Surprisingly she let me. But she only lets me see the notes up to one year ago. Anything in the current year’s time frame – 365 days from that day – is accessible to me.

It has provided a lot of insights over the years. And I read through certain times in my life to better understand what I knew to be happening and what Margo saw. I’ve read the times leading up to my suicide attempts probably every time I think I might be getting close to that feeling again. I see how Margo handled me then, and see what worked and what didn’t.

Margo says I could be a therapist if I wanted. That I didn’t really need her anymore. But the thought of not talking to Margo scares the fuck out of me.

Margo helped Sage too. He still has an incredible reaction to being touched, but he can go out in public now without a meltdown. Adrian has also helped Sage understand his desires. Sex is one thing that the four of us all agree upon – it makes us feel good, alive and we can forget our fears and problems for at least a little while. Today might just be the last time I see these three again. And I can only hope that it is – that I pass my Ad Aetatem tomorrow and can leave this hell.