Many Firsts

It wasn’t long before I was running up the stairs of the Apex Unlimited building to the Infirmary. I’d forgotten all about my appointment with Margo today. I was pushing being late on top of my anxiety for all the shit I was doing and not doing and the fucking change. Margo had rescheduled me. I think that was part of the problem. She’d said Thursday and we agreed Monday, but Ant was so used to checking my schedule that he knew it was moved.

Even Sage and Mia never really cared enough about my schedule to keep to it. I don’t know why Ant did. Maybe he was just thinking it was better to keep me happy then deal with my selfish shit. I sighed as I reached the Infirmary landing and walked the rest of the way to Margo’s office.

Megan sat at her desk as I pushed the door open and another man I didn’t know was walking out. “Fancy seeing you here Nox.” Megan chirped happily at me.

I smiled at her and took a deep breath as the door closed behind me. I took comfort in the familiar smells. Margo was standing in the doorway and pointed to the couch in the waiting room. “Megan, if you could leave a closed sign as you leave I’d appreciate it.”

“You are taking me after hours?”

Megan giggled, “No but you are the last patient of the day and she’s letting me leave early so you can stay in the comfort of the apples.”

Margo smiled at me. “If that’s alright.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.”

Megan laughed. “Have a good night Margo.”

“Kiss the granddaughter for me.” I said.

“Always, Nox.” Megan smiled as she closed the door behind her.

“I figured out here was better than in there, you need something familiar to ground you, and you and Sage made a good connection out here. I think it’s more comforting than the ocean smells of the office.”

I shook my head. “Can we do it in your office? Strange feeling, that’s what Alex would like.”

Margo nodded, “Of course, those repressed memories are exactly what we are after.” She lead the way into her office and closed the door.

The soft scent of ocean air permated my soul and I sat down on the couch and relaxed into the cushions almost ready to fall asleep. Margo chuckled, “You are already in the zone Nox. You sure you’ve never done this before?”

I shook my head and closed my eyes. I drifted to sleep. Or at least I thought it was sleep until I heard Margo ask me a question. “What do you see Nox?”

“What did you do to me?” I asked.

“I did nothing, Nox. You did this all on your own. What do you see?”

I shook my head. “I see nothing.” I started to shake in fear. Margo’s hands were on my knees.

“Nox it’s alright. Think about a time you want to remember.”

“I don’t know where to remember.” I said.

Margo chuckled. “Let your mind do it’s thing.”

I sighed and let the darkness take me. Margo’s hands on my knees grounding me. I thought about my first kiss. How it had been a beat down and a half, and then an image appeared. I was there but not there – watching but not really, it was through my eyes and yet not. I felt alone, but eager. There was blocks on the ground I was diligently stacking. I couldn’t move to do anything than what I was doing. Margo asked, “What do you see?”

“Toy blocks. A room I remember from my childhood when I first met you. Now I’m smashing the towers I built and growling.”

I felt the air ripple and I smiled but pulled my lips in to hide it. I knew who it was but I didn’t. My heart, my real heart skipped a beat. I turned and stomped on a block and saw a strange man standing in the corner, “Why do you always start this way?”

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say. I smiled at him. It was a big smile. “Maybe I like to make you ask I said.” I felt like I knew him but I didn’t know the face. Through those eyes were Alex’s and so was that voice. Fuck that was my Alex.

I felt the dream change and I stood in front of a mirror. I wasn’t myself. I was some guy I’d seen on TV. My eyes were mine, rimmed in thick eyeliner and I ran my fingers through my hair and the tips turned blue.

Alex asked, “Can you do flames?”

I turned to look at Alex who was so close but so not my Alex. I felt my dream self’s heart skip another beat and mine echo’d it. I reached up and touched my hair and I knew it was changing. Alex stepped closer and we were eye to eye. I was grinning and he stepped closer and I felt my cock jump and I leaned in and kissed him. His lips were soft against mine. I parted my lips and I his tongue was inside my mouth and I groaned. And then he was gone

I shouted in more ways than one. “Fuck!” My eyes shot open. I knew what had happened. I was whisked away. Was it always like that. Did I always end up in my nightmare after seeing Alex as a kid? I remembered the boy in my dreams, he played the who am I game. He built towers with me. I remembered him, why didn’t I remember him as we grew older. I remember feeling one day, feeling brave, brave enough to kiss Dylan and damn the consequences. All because of Alex, because I’d kissed him and he’d kissed me back. He’d loved me back.

I sank into the couch even further and Margo sighed, “Isn’t this a good memory Nox?”

“How many good memories have I missed because of my fucking nightmares?”

Margo shook her head. “We can do this until you remember them Nox. Until they jog free. They may never, but your mind wants to show you. I didn’t have to hypnotize you, or dose your drink. You want to remember I think you just need someone to hold your hand, to make you remember it’s just a dream. ”

I sighed. “Can we do another?”

Margo nodded even as I was drifting back to into that dream like state. This time I paid attention to what happened. I floated in nothingness until the room coalesced again. The same room. The same block. The same everything. And I was still a five year old boy smashing blocks. I stole a glance in the mirror as difficult as it was to watch myself and be myself in the dream. I was wearing a green monster suit with red furry slippers. I remembered seeing a sticker or a drawing or something as a kid but I never owned it.

I listened to the whispers. ‘Monster.’ I froze. The little boy kept kicking the blocks. Smashing them, destroying the city below. ‘I was a monster.’ As I relayed the things happening Margo squeezed my knee again. Reassuring me.

We’d discussed my feelings about myself over and over again. And I’d come to accept that I wasn’t the monster my mother claimed me to be. But even now I doubted it. Doubted myself. I felt the fear creeping in, but then it happened again, the strange man – a new face hidden in the shadows. He smelled like Alex. Always smelled the same. A distant memory tickled the edge and threatened to pull me away.

It hasn’t been a long time since the last one, a matter of weeks at most. The voice of Alex from a stranger sounded odd to my now grown ears. But it was perfectly normal to the dream visage of my younger self. I smiled at him as he taunted me to be the teenage her knew me to be. I chose a form. I don’t remember why, but it was a guise I knew well, one of the boys in school. I had a crush on him. A pang of anger flashed over my dream self as the memories of my first kiss hurled through my feelings.

Alex asked, “What’s wrong pretty boy?” He came up to me and touched his fingertips to my cheek and I winced away. I knew it hurt. Was it the night after I got beat?

“What’s wrong baby?”

I gave him a weak smile. “Sorry. Bad memory.”

Alex laughed softly. “I have a lot of them too, did someone hit you?” He asked, though the anger in his voice was rising, I knew it wasn’t at me.

I nodded and then make it seem like a joke. “I kissed another boy. He didn’t like it.”

Alex frowned. And took a step back. I sighed. We always had to fight it seemed. But Alex gathered his words and looked at me in my fake self and stepped closer. “I like when you kiss me. Was he the first boy you kissed out there.”

I nodded and Alex grinned, “Any girls before him?” His smile grew wider as he pulled me close and I nodded. “So I’m your first?”

I shrugged. I didn’t remember kissing him before. I bit my bottom lip, “Can I kiss you now?”

He didn’t answer me just leaned in and kissed me hard and pressed his body against mine. We were lying on the bed. I didn’t relay the rest to Margo as I watched and felt and I knew this was before my first time with Madison. I let the emotions take me away as I felt his skin for the first time. Tasted his mouth, his body. The feel of his lips on my neck.

It was so much easier in the dream to remove clothing. We came together, gasping against each other’s lips until I was whisked away on the lingering words I wanted to say…

I shouted, “Fuck!” I opened my eyes and Margo had left me alone to my dream memories and the hard on in my now tight jeans. Fuck! I knew even then I loved him, how the fuck did I not remember him. I sat forward on the couch and hung my head between my knees while I let the epic sadness course through my veins. I felt the tears running down my cheeks and burning my eyes. There was nothing I could do about the past. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

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