Heavy Burdens

We ate. Well, Alex ate I watched him. He was thoroughly enjoying the pancakes and ice cream. I picked at my eggs and bacon. “Not hungry?”

“I’m just enjoying watching you eat.”

Alex’s eyebrow arched, “It’s not that interesting.”

“It is if you are me.” I reached across and grabbed his free hand and placed it my lap. I grinned at him. “Trust me. It’s very interesting watching your mouth move and listening to all the little sounds you make.”

Alex smirked and pulled his hand back. “I think I’m keeping my hands to myself for a little while longer.” He picked up a forkful of pancakes and deliberately ate it slowly while I watched. I bit my bottom lip and stifled a groan as he swallowed. “The ice cream will melt and the pancakes will get soggy.”

I held my hand over his pancakes and sucked all the heat from the area with a simple weave and heated the pancakes so enough that they didn’t chill from the siphoned energy. I smirked at him. “I can fix that for you.”

He gave me a curious look and when he went for his next bite he felt the cool air around his plate and pulled his hand out of the cone and then put it back inside several times testing the phenomenon. “That’s cheating.” He said.

I laughed as I expanded the cone to encompass us. Ophelia meowed loudly and went out the front door. “I didn’t want you here anyway,” I called after her.

“Are you trying to freeze me now?” Alex asked rubbing his arms.

“Too cold?” I asked.

“I might need some warming up.”

I smirked. “I thought you were interested in your pancakes.”

“You were interested in my pancakes.” He taunted back.

“I was interested in your mouth and the little sounds you were making.” I clarified.

Alex nodded and polished off the last of his pancakes – probably faster than he’d have liked. “Can you put the room back to normal temperature please?” He asked with his mouth still partially full of the last bit of pancake.

I dropped the weave and nodded. “I’m sorry.”

He smiled at me and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. His smile turned into a smirk, “You have a one-track mind.”

“Sex, sex and more sex?” I asked.

Alex chuckled and put his fork down on the plate. “Are you going to eat?” I shook my head.

“I’ll eat later.”

Alex shifted so his back was to the arm of the chair and waggled a finger at me. “Come here.”

My breath caught in my throat and I obeyed without question. I crawled the length of the couch and positioned myself above him. Alex stared down the length of my body and then looked up and met my eyes. “How long can you stay like that?”

I shrugged, “I’m usually on the bottom, I don’t know.”

“Oh really?” Alex teased. His hands cupped my face and he pulled me down to kiss deeply. My body quaked at his touch and I sank down on top of him. He broke the kiss laughing, “Not so strong after all.”

I pressed my face into his neck and groaned, “I…” I took a deep breath. “I can hold for as long as you demand it, Alex,” I said against his neck.

Alex squirmed underneath me so that he was sitting more than lying down now. “Did someone make you do that?”

I shrugged. “I did a lot of things for Adrian because he told me to.”

“Your therapist?”

I didn’t move but nodded, “Sorta. I told you I was taught to be submissive.”

Alex growled, “Something about power and how men treated you.”

I wanted to move but Alex had a death grip on my shirt, pinning me against him. We were going to talk about this apparently. Talk was good. But in this instance, I didn’t want to feel trapped.

Alex let out a huff of air and flung his arm off of me. But I didn’t move. “I thought you felt trapped.” He said.

“You aren’t pinning me to you. I can stay here. I won’t move.”

Alex shoved me off him. “I don’t want a fucking submissive.”

I sighed. “I don’t want a dom,” I said picking up my plate and walking it around to the kitchen where I scraped it off into the garbage, the only thing I’d eaten was the bacon.

“Then what the fuck do you want Nox?”

I shrugged. “I don’t want a dom. I want someone who understands that’s all.”

I pressed the palms of my hands into the counters. My feet were spread shoulder-width apart. I’d done so many times before as a child and a teenager. The complete submission could have come, but I stood straight then dropped to the floor and to the corner where I’d been when Alex went to the shower. “I don’t need a dominate. I need a partner. I need someone who’s willing to help carry the burden of what it means to be me.”

“Everyday” I started and dropped my head against the cabinets and stared up at the ceiling. “Everyday, it’s a fight to control what I am. When I was 5 the very first person who was supposed to help me forged in me the absolute compulsion to obey. If I didn’t come into the classroom and put my hands on the wall, spread my legs and submit, once I did, and I always did, he would lay into me. Except to everyone watching, I stood against the way like that for hours. He slipped inside my head, made me dream. Beat me until I sparked. I learned to control every aspect of my being to please him. I still have nightmares every night of him, hurting me, of the beatings I took at his hands. The fear of misbehaving, or stepping wrong.”

I sighed. “I need someone who is going to take some of that burden, to release some of that control, just so I don’t overwhelm myself. I learned at a very early age that I was weak. I couldn’t be what everyone else was. So I worked harder, controlled more and more. And after the first time I hooked up with a random guy in a bar, I found a release. I could let them abuse me, leave myself raw and broken and they wouldn’t care. Adrian showed me I didn’t need to be broken and raw and weak even if I gave up power. I could be whole and still give up control, channel it in a positive way. So if my submissive nature bothers you, you know where the door is. I can’t change it and honestly, Alex. I don’t want to.”

I could hear Alex breathing on the other side of the room. He hadn’t moved. But he hadn’t left yet either. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I didn’t have the benefit of reading his mind. I didn’t have any advantage here. I could warm the room, make it freezing cold. I could create a firestorm that never burnt a thing and I wanted to. I wanted to let loose the pain and the frustration. I wanted to but I didn’t. I sat staring at the ceiling.

I heard Alex get up from the couch and I heard his bare feet pad across my floor. I saw the shadow of his form and then he was towering above me. His blue eyes were ablaze and he stared at me. “I don’t know what to say to all that.” He shook his head, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it.” He knelt down and I followed him down never breaking eye contact. “I don’t know why someone would hurt a beautiful boy like you. I don’t know why you’d let someone hurt you. You have all this power and you let people run over you like a semi-truck. All I want to do is take you home, bury you under a pile of blankets and tell the world to fuck off. They can’t have you. Why do you let people do that to you Nox?”

I felt the tears falling down my cheeks. I couldn’t explain it to him. He didn’t understand. He’d never understand. He wasn’t Venatori. He was a human in my world.

“Explain it to me Nox.”

“What do you want me to explain,” I growled at him. “The Venatori are a fucked up people. They beat kids because it teaches them control. They send us into camps where they don’t care about anything other than our survival. They don’t care if the weaker kids are abused and raped and that they have a hard time adapting. They force men and women to have children that they don’t want with people who don’t love them. They raise their children to see inside this tiny little box because it’s fucking how it’s always done.” I broke eye contact and stood up. “This is my life, Alex. I’m fucked up. How I was raised was fucked up. Everything about this is fucked up. We deal with the hand we’ve been dealt and we do with it what we can. I submit because I need to. Or I’ll go fucking insane. The battles to be fought aren’t ones that need to save me. But there are people out there who can’t stand up for themselves. Who don’t get that right. So I’ll do it. I’ll be the Venatori’s punching bag while I do what I can for Abby, and Liam and for every other fucking supernatural creature I get to save because I can take anything the Venatori give to me. And I’ll submit to their rules and their beatings and I’ll do what it takes because I can. I’m that strong, but I need help. I need someone free me of myself.” I walked away from Alex still kneeling on the floor.

My heart was racing and I wanted to hit something. I needed to hit something to do something. I didn’t want to fight with Alex. I didn’t want to be broken in front of him. I didn’t want to give him any more reason to run or hate me. I’d shown one person the real me and he never showed up.

I stared out the plate glass window of my room, out into the darkening city. It looked quiet but I knew it wasn’t. I was aware of Alex moving towards the bed and where his things had been laid. I closed my eyes and fought back the tears that were going to fall. He was going to leave again.

“Nox” Alex called from my bed. I turned to look at him and there was no smile, no smirk, a dead serious expression on his face as he curled his finger and beckoned me.

I shook my head. I wasn’t… I didn’t… Alex spoke quietly, “Come here, Nox.” He dropped his hands to his thighs and waited for me to move. And when I didn’t he stalked over to me and stopped just in front of me. I could feel his breath on my skin, his heart was racing. “I thought you listened better than this.”

I blinked at him in confusion. He took my wrists in his hands and pressed them behind me, wrapping his arms around me and stepping against me. His breath on my neck and I could smell him, just him, only him and I relaxed. “Show me how well you can listen pretty boy.”

My breath caught in my throat and I relaxed even farther into his arms. I nodded. I couldn’t speak. I had no words and it was hard to breathe. “Touch me,” Alex commanded softly against my skin.

“Where?” I breathed out slowly still trying to catch my breath.

“Where ever you want.” He said, straightening his body and letting go of my arms so I could touch him.

My eyes dropped as I raised my hand to his cheek and ran the back of my hand down towards his neck. His fingers lifted my chin up. “Look at me.”

I smiled and licked my lips as my fingers trailed down his arm. When I reached his wrist I ran my hand over his back and under his shirt. The press of his warm skin against my fingers made my eyes close, but I popped them open and he was smirking, “That’s fine, I don’t want you to look down unless you are watching what you do to me.”

I gave him a slight nod to acknowledge what he’d said even as my fingers played with the skin at his waistband. “Can I undress you?” I asked.

He smirked at me, “I think that would be a good idea.”

I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tugged it over his head. It was my shirt, but I was more than happy to let him borrow my clothes. He was wider in the shoulder so the shirt was snug at there but the rest fit comfortably.

I traced my fingers over the tattoo in his arm and found a scar beneath the ink. I gave him a questioning look, “What’s that from?” I asked.

He smiled. “Some guy tried to shoot me and missed.”

My eyes went wide and Alex leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my lips, His parting breath he said, “Don’t worry about it, Pretty boy, it was a long time ago and I’m fine.”

My fingers caressed his side and Alex squirmed a little. I bit my bottom lip and did it again. I teased the ticklish spot again and Alex groaned, “I’m not as practiced as you.” He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his stomach.

I ran my fingers over his tight abs and groaned. Alex smiled and took a step back. He waggled a finger at me and I followed dutifully keeping my eyes on his. His legs bumped the bed and he sat down and slide backward. He smiled at me. Alex patted the bed on either side of him and I straddled his legs with my own and my fingers touched his chest. He whispered, “Kiss me.”

I leaned forward and kissed him.

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