What About Me?

I was almost to the door when Alex yelled from the doorway of his room, “For someone who talks all the fucking time you have nothing to say now?

“What do you expect me to say?” I ran my fingers through my hair snagging on a knot and frowned at the reminder of the night before with Alex’s hands all through my hair, over my body. “Thanks for ripping my heart out? You want confirmation that you paid me back before I go?” I snapped at him.

“No I want you to give a damn about me for a change. It’s always about you and your feelings and your anxiety and your schedule. How about you show some interest in me! Do you even care why I told you everything or are you too busy thinking poor Nox, fucked over again, everyone uses me and he’s no different.”

I stared at him and said the first thing that came to my mind. “You are no different standing there on your high horse.” My body was in shock. He’d called me selfish. Basically told me my shit was just that shit and that I was just being all woe is me. I never wanted him to think I was selfish.

Alex’s words drew me from my own thoughts. “Do you know how many times I talked you out of doing something stupid? Every fucking October would roll around and I’d look forward to seeing you, and every October you were a mess. Or how many times I had to refrain from being angry at you because I only got a little bit of time with you before the fucking darkness took you away from me. Or the fucking scars I had to hide because whatever the fuck takes you tore into me when I tried to stop it.” I wanted to collapse. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t remember any of those things. I wanted to remember him. I fucking wanted to remember him. I wanted to but I didn’t, each new thing he said crushed me further. I couldn’t breath, though I think I muttered, “I don’t remember those things.”

“Wouldn’t matter anyway Nox. You never asked anything. Not even when my fucking birthday was. It’s always about you.”

I blurted out. “You’re birthday is on Halloween.” I don’t know how I knew that.

“So you remember things off the wall things, like my name, or my birthday. Nox. Always at your convenience. How the fuck do I know you even cared. You used me to get that thing off your back.”

“I would never use you.” I said on the brink of tears. I felt the tears falling but I was fighting not to show Alex anymore weakness. It wasn’t all about my anxiety. I…

Alex left the room and I felt the world collapse in on itself. I started trying to calm down. 5 things I could see. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to look around. The coffee pot, the leftovers, the stools we sat at. Everything was Alex’s and it was hardly calming I couldn’t finish. I couldn’t do the four things I could hear, all I heard was Alex changing the sheets in his room. The place I had just left, had the best fucking sex in forever and blood all over his sheets. Three things I could touch. I couldn’t do it. Everything here was Alex’s.

I tried to get through the whole mantra and failed. I felt like shit but I got up. I stood in the door of his bed room. “I’m sorry. I have no excuses to offer that can explain why I treated you in a way that made you feel I didn’t care. I know I don’t remember all those things you do. And I don’t ask questions. I don’t want to pry, but it’s no excuse for my behavior.”

“Fuck, Nox.” He turned and glared at me, “You are always such a pity party.”

“I’m sorry.” My gaze dropped to the floor.

Alex stepped over to me and pushed me. “Stand up for your fucking self.” I stumbled back startled.

He shoved me again, “Why do you let people push you around?” I was getting angry.

He shoved me again, “Why do you let me push you around?” My anger pushed its limits and I had Alex on the ground gasping for air before he could even finish his sentence.

I fell backwards out of my own control. I was hurting him. I didn’t want to do that anymore than I wanted it to be about me. I started crying again, the tears falling down. I was helpless. Alex growled at me, “You really are a piece of work, Nox.”

He looked at me and then snapped, “I thought dating a guy would have so much less fucking crying. I guess I was wrong.”

“Fuck you, Alex.” I stood up and spoke in a white heat of anger, “I’m sorry I didn’t remember you all those years, but getting fucking beaten every fucking night since I was six year old seems to have stuck in my head instead of all those good memories. I’m so fucking sorry that I you get pissed at me for being submissive. Here let me stand up for myself.” I was done. I headed for the door.

Alex reached the door first and stood between me and it, “No, you don’t get to leave like this.”

“How would you like me to leave Alex?”

“Honestly?” he asked.

“Always, honestly, but I know that’s kinda hard for you.” I snarked at him.

He confessed. “I don’t want you to leave at all.” I started at him while he continued, “I want you to ask me why I don’t think I can do it anymore, or what it is. I want you pretend you care, Nox.”

I did care. I fucking loved him, but that was too much for him. “What can’t you do anymore?” I decided to ask instead of focusing on the negative. I couldn’t look at him. I was waiting for the complete rejection that I felt coming.

“I can’t keep lying to you. I can’t pretend that I don’t care about you. I can’t keep lying to myself about wanting more. If it means it’s over Nox, that’s fine. But you have to know why before I’ll let you leave.”

I didn’t know what to say or how to think or even what was wrong with us, why the fuck was this so fucking hard. It should be easy. We wanted the same fucking thing. But he wanted to hurt me too…

“What about your revenge?” I asked.

“I don’t know Nox. I might go back to hating you again tomorrow. But last night reminded me how fucking much I wanted this to work. And it wasn’t the sex. Though, that was amazing.”

I couldn’t help grinning at him as he continued, “We have issues. Both of us. We hurt each other. I’m hoping that now that we both know we can mend some of those hurts. But we can’t do that if you walk out the door.”

Alex’s stomach rumbled again. He was always hungry, I dropped my eyes to the floor and asked, “What if we both walked out together and we went to get something to eat?”

“Yeah, pretty boy. I think we can do that.” This small agreement only helped so much but I needed to be away from him and I suspected Alex wanted me out of his space too. Maybe we could fix this, and I hoped but I wasn’t sure it would happen. We were so much alike and so very different. No wonder we clashed all the time.

4 thoughts on “What About Me?

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