Me v Anxiety

It was also instantaneous that I lost my very awesome steak into the nearby bin that was placed there just for that occasion.

Ant was shaking his head while I used the back of my hand to wipe my mouth. I headed for the bathroom to brush my teeth. It had been one of the first things I’d done after Ant brought me here through the shadows the first time. No matter how many times I shadow walked I threw up unless my stomach was empty. Which it rarely was.

Ant left the same way he came in. I didn’t ask where he was going or when he was coming back. He just would be. Until then I’d do some yoga. I laid on the floor in corpse pose just listening to my heart and my breathing. I could feel it slowly coming down with each breathe. I didn’t always just lay there, but today I felt like it was perfect. Lying in an mostly empty room nothing but me and the room.

I knew it wasn’t empty. I felt and smelled Ryan come in. Unlike a vampire he smelled like life growing from the decay of a dead tree. He was life amongst the dead. He stood at the edge of the mat watching me. “Enjoying the show?” I asked.

Ryan chuckled, “Usually it’s a little more bendy. More ass in the air.”

I sat up and stared at him. “I needed to just chill and focus.”

“That bad?”

I nodded. “Same rules?” changing the subject.

“Same rules.” Ryan said kicking off his shoes and joining me on the mat.

We danced around each other for the better part of an hour, trading blows but never really beating the other one down. It was a game of sorts. Ryan wanted me to talk but I didn’t want to so we spared – what little we actually did.

By the time Ant came back Ryan and I were grappling with one another. “What you didn’t wait for me?” Ant chimed in when he walked onto the matt.

He smelled like cheap perfume and I had a wave of jealousy. It wasn’t because it was Ant with another woman, the scent was familiar. LIke a dream had washed over me and all I could see was green.

Ryan got in a good punch to my jaw and I fell backwards landing on my ass. Ryan and Ant were both squatting over me making sure I was alright. “I’m okay.” I said.

“You don’t look alright.” Ant said.

“I’m fine.”

“Uh huh. That’s why you are here. Because you are alright. You asked me not to bite you.”

“Actually I didn’t. You figured that out on your own.” I smirked as I sat up.

“Yes, but you would have asked if you’d been feeling alright”

Ryan interrupted, “What happened, Nox? Really, you were doing alright until Ant walked in.”

I shook my head. “An old memory. I don’t know. Overwhelming jealousy.”

“Because I fed on someone else… Nox.” Ant sighed. “You know…”

I reached up and laid a finger across Ant’s lips. “It wasn’t because you fed on someone else, it was an old memory. I don’t remember having it. But all I saw was green. I was jealous and I don’t know why but it wasn’t you. I swear.”

Ant nodded, “This guy has you wound tight.”

“He doesn’t. You remember before we met.”

Ryan laughed, “Him? Again.”

“Alex reminds me of him. The same blue eyes. He feels like home to me. And it’s scaring the fuck out of him I think.” I sighed. “I’ve freaked out twice in front of him and that’s just today. I do my fucking best not to do that in front of people.”

“Except us.” Ryan laughed.

“You aren’t going to judge me. Think less of me.” I whined.

“We already think less of you.” Ryan joked. “I mean, come on.” He grabbed my bicep and squeezed,”So puny.”

“One more round then I need to go home.” I said.

Ant sood up and offered me his hand which I gratefully took. And then we were off fighting a three way fight. The same as always. It was the sport of it all.

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