I made it across the street and up to my room. I pushed open the door and the world crashed in on me. I let my shield go and I felt the anxiety wash over me like a bucket of cold water. But I didn’t like the way I left it so I sent Alex a text.
N: I’m sorry I left like that. I just need time to wrap my head around things. I know selfish, but I have to do what I have to do. Maybe we can get together for lunch tomorrow? I’ll cook.
The text was off and I sat down at the bar, my body was shaking. I dialed Margo’s personal number. It was still before working hours but I needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge me. I was going in-fucking-sane right then.
Margo picked up groggily, “Hello?”
“I’m sorry to bother you Margo. But I need to talk.”
“Nox, alright.” I heard the bed rustle and she was moving around her bedroom. “I can meet you in ten.”
“I can come up to you.” I said. “I’ll make you breakfast.”
Margo was silent for too long. “No, I’ll come to you. You can still cook me breakfast.”
I nodded, “Alright.”
So I started making breakfast for 2. I wasn’t really hungry. Though I knew I should eat. I made eggs and sausage and threw in a few slices of toast. It wasn’t the greatest breakfast in the world but it was all I could manage right now. I was just going through the motions. I was sipping coffee when there was a knock on the door and I let Margo in.
She looked professional and like she’d been up for hours. She was probably the fastest woman alive, I smiled to myself. Mia had been so fucking slow to get ready and I thought I was bad in all my perfectionism.
Margo sat down in Fee’s chair. The cat was still asleep on her pillow she hadn’t even noticed that I was home yet. “What’s wrong, Nox?” Margo asked then started cutting her sausage to mix in her eggs.
“I told you about the guy I met?”
Margo nodded. “Turns out he’s the same guy I was going to meet five years ago.”
Margo turned and blinked at me, “The one from your dreams?”
I nodded. “One and the same. He laid out a lot of things that I don’t remember and a few that only proved he was right.” I pushed my eggs around my plate. “Is it possible that the nightmares were that overpowering.”
Margo sighed, “Dreams are a funny thing, no one really understands them. Conscious and subconscious thoughts all lingering together to form images as we sleep. And a dream walker – well that’s something entirely different. But your nightmares are strong and predictable Nox. There is no telling what it overwrites in your brain.”
I ate a piece of sausage and nearly gagged on it. I pushed my plate from me and looked at Margo. “He called me selfish. Everything’s always about my anxiety and my problems.”
Margo smiled, “It won’t be that way forever. You need time to adapt is all.”
“I don’t have time to adapt, Margo. He throws me curveball after curveball and I adjust and then everything crashes in on me.” I shook my head. “I fucking love him. From the moment I kissed him outside Aspect. I wanted more. Even now I want to go back to his place. Beg him to forgive me, but I can’t. I can’t go back because if i do I’m going to break down again. We’ve known each other for three days in the real world and every fucking time we are together I have a fucking breakdown.”
“He’s change. You know it will pass.”
“I do. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the patience.”
“Then maybe he isn’t the one Nox.”
“Fuck, no.” I sighed. “I’ve been pining for him for 5 fucking years. Wondering what we could have had if I’d gone to him instead of my Dad.”
“Nox, do not go there, you made the right choice.”
“Did I? Did I choose to save my father instead of start something that could mean I’d be in fucking high heaven right now?”
“And if you father died while you did that? You’d be beating yourself up over that.”
I sighed. “Yeah but I didn’t know my dad then. I wouldn’t be any closer or any farther from him because of it.”
“You’d wish your father dead?” Margo sounded appalled.
“Not dead, Margo.” I groaned as I stood up and dumped my food in Fee’s bowl. “I just wish I hadn’t had to make the choice. If Jace is right and he didn’t show up then yeah wrong decision, but he did show up. He thinks I wasn’t interested.”
“He’s a telepath, Nox. He knew the truth.”
“He doesn’t act like he knew the truth, Margo. He told me I was just a fucking job. He only took it because he wanted to hurt me like i hurt him.”
“So there you have it Nox. Not the one.”
“Margo, stop with the he’s not the one. We didn’t even get a chance to try. Because it’s nothing but lies. He’s always been about the lies. All those faces. Never the same.”
“Nox, how do you know that? I thought you said you didn’t remember?”
“I don’t.” I said. “I sometimes say things I don’t know where they come from.”
“I think you might be repressing memories, or at the very least your nightmares are hiding them.” She smiled at me as she finished her last bite. “I think Monday we’ll start with a different therapy, think about where you want to start in your memories. And we’ll go from there.” She glanced at the time on her watch. “I have a session in an hour. Monday? Or do you want to pull in a second session. Maybe on Thursday?”
I shook my head, “Not this Thursday, it’s my birthday.”
Margo smiled. “Right. I knew that. Monday then, and you can decide if we need to do the memory therapy on another day then alright?”
I nodded. “Thanks Margo. For everything.”
Margo stood up and put her hand on my shoulder. “Honey, don’t break down alone, and don’t throw yourself into work. But I know you will. I will have Dorian check on you later.”
“My pleasure, Nox.” She said as she left my little apartment. I felt even more alone now. Fuck!