I saw the pile of work on my bed and I knew I needed a shower. My mind wandered to other things I could use my bed for and I sighed. Alex still hadn’t gotten back to me. But I pushed work from my mind and I took that much needed shower after eating the rest of my plate. The boys had done well. I might not need to cook the whole time they were here.
My shower was relaxing but I was still missing Alex. I tried not to think about things. About him but he was never far from my mind. It was funny now that I knew how to find those dreams so easily I could fall into them with ease.
They always started the same way, with me in the room a small boy, my greatest fear. That I was a monster. Every time. I saw flash after flash of me in the same room with the monster costume on and the building blocks scattered across the floor. Sometimes though I was picking them up when Alex came to me. I always smelled him first. Always caught that comforting smell that told me he was there. I tried to hide it, let him think he was sneaking up on me.
As we got older I could see how we were more than friends. I knew things about Alex. Things that didn’t surprise me. There were fights of course. But never long lived. Making up was fun. I could get lost in this place between dreams and reality. I was so fucking in love with Alex and this only proved that I had been for a long time. Why did it take me so long to remember him?
By the time I pulled myself out of the shower and into a pair of boxers and tank top Rider was poking his head in. “We are going out now. We’ll be back by 1 alright?”
I nodded. “No later.”
He nodded, “We know.” I knew it was later than Jesse let them, but I was okay with that. They had their phones and I could find them if necessary.
I cleared the bed of all the paper but left my laptop on one side of the bed and curled around a pillow and stared at the screen. I could drift off to sleep but I was trying to figure out something for Ant and I could see it, but I wasn’t feeling it. I needed a little more time. But my mind kept wandering. Why wasn’t Alex sending me any messages back. His fake friend was looking for him, so where did he go? I sighed and pulled my phone from the night stand and looked at all the messages I’d sent him. Maybe Ant was right?
I shook my head and frowned, No. I sent Alex a flurry of texts. Probably more than I needed to.
N: Margo is helping me remember my dreams. I remember our first kiss, and our first time – both my firsts if you can count a dream encounter
N: I’m so sorry I don’t remember all those times. I wish I did. I hate thinking about what you had to think of me back then.
N: I want to remember all of them. Please help me.
It was a cry for help or attention. All I knew was that I needed Alex to help me remember him. It was…
As I was drifting I saw the destination. The man wasn’t from Vegas, but he called Vegas his home, he always drifted back there, every time. I needed the distraction of Alex to see the pattern to look at it different. He was going to Vegas.
I sighed as I rolled on to my back closing the laptop lid. I curled up on my other side around an extra pillow and wished it was Alex. I wanted him to be here in my empty bedroom so badly. This place was too big for Drake and me. And right now it was too big for just me. I felt the depression sinking in. The lack of desire, the need for comfort and the one person I wanted wasn’t around. Fuck. I sent Alex one more text. One more plea for him to help me.
N: Alex, I’m worried something’s happened to you please call or text. Any hour.
I hoped he’d call or text or something. If he thought this was over I wish he’d say something. And then a thought dawned on me, what if he threw the phone away, or smashed it. I could call him and if it went directly to voicemail I’d know. But it could just be dead, so I didn’t. I didn’t need to torture myself. I sighed. Alex, where are you? I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and hoped that I could dream about him before the nightmares took me. Fuck being hurt worse, I needed him.