Everyone had a good time. Even I did, but afterwards I was left with that empty feeling as we cleaned up. I loved my family. Hell, I never even thought I’d have this one day. I should be happy, but I wasn’t. Lost inside my own mind. The anxiety and the depression threatened to rip a hole in me. My heart was pounding against my rib cage and I felt like I was drowning in everything. I should be happy…
But it was Sunday night now and I was taking Dee out. Sage was watching me apply eye liner. “You won’t screw this one up will you?”
I looked at him through the mirror. “I’ll probably screw it up. But I won’t do it on purpose.”
Sage sighed and stood up. “Nox, Why can’t you get along with Dee as well as the rest of us?” He wrapped his arms around me and I sighed as he pressed his cheek against my shoulder.
“We get along fine. We just clash.”
Sage grinned against my neck. “But the sex is amazing isn’t it? You two fit together.”
I sighed. “Love, Dee is too dominating for me. You love it, Dev loves it. But yes, the sex is amazing, with all of us, it’s amazing.” I grined at him, “I didn’t know being monogomous would be so diverse.”
Sage blushed. “We aren’t monogomous, it’s polyamourous.”
“Yes and no. Yeah it’s a relationship where we love more than one person, but we are having sex only within our group.”
Sage kissed my neck. “Whatever you and Dev are doing is making things better. You are trying with Dee. Why aren’t you happy?”
“I’m happy with you Sage. I’m happy with Dev and Dee and the boys. My family makes me happy.”
“Why aren’t we enough?” Sage begged me to answer the question. I hated hearing the patheticness in his voice.
“Do you want me to be the stay-at-home dad? The one who cooks and cleans and the one who runs the house?”
Sage sighed. “You are good at it.”
“But it’s not me.” I turned around in his arms and he had to stand back up. His beautiful blue eyes were shining at me but they were sad. “I’m trying, Sage.”
“I know you are.” He smiled. “Adam and I are going to hang out tonight, that cool?” He was obviously changing the topic like he always did when I started with my depression and anxiety. He still read me well, just chose to ignore the problem. I was beginning to think that was part of life with Sage. I couldn’t ignore the problem – I was the problem.
“Don’t let Adam make a mess of my living room.” I nodded. I knew I sounded exactly like Sage wanted me to. I wanted to make him happy. I needed to. I just was making myself miserable doing it.
He grinned at me as I turned back around to finish applying my make up for my date with Dee. “I’ll make sure he behaves. I ordered pizza for me and the boys.”
I sighed, “There are still plenty of left overs.”
“I’m tired of left overs.” Sage groaned.
“Isn’t that part of the Thanksgiving tradition you have way too much food for like days?”
Sage sighed. “Yes. But we are still having pizza.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Make sure the boys go to bed on time, they have classes in the morning.”
Sage shook his head, “They have the week off for Thanksgiving.”
I smiled. “Why isn’t it on my schedule?”
Sage shrugged. “I thought Matt was doing that?”
I sighed. “Matt doesn’t have the password. You changed it and no one can get in but you. What’s the point of a family calendar if only you can add to it?”
Sage sighed. “I thought I shared the calendar with everyone.”
I shrugged. “Sage I know enough to get by. I know I can’t add events to the family calendar. I add it to my own.”
“I’ll look into it.”
I nodded. “Please don’t forget.” I put all my things away and turned to face Sage. “I gotta go.” I pressed a kiss to his lips and he smiled at me.
“You taste like strawberries.” He licked his lips and then pushed me away by the shoulders to get a good look at me. “Damn you look fine. Where you taking Dee?”
“Mexican and dancing.”
“So boring.” Sage yawned then grinned at me. “I would love to watch you two dance.” He winked at the implied innuendo and his own kinks. But he would have liked to watch us really dance too. He didn’t know how, he enjoyed clubbing but had never learned the art of dance – Dee hadn’t either but she was a quick study. Dev was great at it, his mother being a dance instructor afterall. Too bad he didn’t like dancing.
The Mind of Nox 