Sept 1, 2015 @ 10:55PM

Larry and I found John in worse condition than Chris.  It took a few hours to get there, and an hour or so to fully cremate the body.  I don’t think I’ve had a more stressful day in my life.  I was ragged.  I sat on the ground for the hour just staring off into space.  Larry walked around the perimeter checking on me every so often.  I wanted to curl up and forget life for a few hours.  And I wanted to call Sage, but if I talked to him I would break.  I would collapse. So when he called I sent a text instead.  “I’m sorry love.  If I talk to you right now I’ll break.  And I can’t break right now.”

Sage’s response was quick.  “I understand.  Call me the first moment you can, love.  I’m here.”

I knew he was.  I knew he’d be there when I broke.  But I had 13 other boys to watch after.  I had 13 other responsibilities.

We were going to stay here for a few hours and grab some shut eye.  I erected a wall of air and didn’t even bother layout out my bedroll as I laid back to pass out.

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