I missed Sage. I love hearing his voice even when I didn’t understand a word of what he was doing. Sage was still working when I called. I told him I just wanted to hear his voice, it didn’t matter what he said. So he put his phone in front of his keyboard propped up against the corner of his two screens with Skype on and I watched as my beautiful love typed and worked. He makes some of the cutest faces while he’s preoccupied.
Sage is a multi-tasker and a half he held a perfectly good conversation with me while he stared at his screen, but when he started to type the conversation died and he talked about what he was doing. When he started on his ramble I told him I was probably going to fall asleep. He smiled at me and reassured me, that was exactly what he had intended. I fell asleep to the voice of my boyfriend talking about hacking whatever it was he was doing. And yet when I wake up this morning with my nightmares I’m more afraid than I have been in ages.
I don’t know if anyone besides Dorian, Margo and now Sage realy know that Garrett is the stuff of my nightmares – my demon. I’m pretty sure they get it. Though Sage has never met the man, and I don’t ever intend him to. I wonder how many children he’s screwed up. And it’s partially my fault cause I didn’t say anything. I never really said anything until Dorian saw my back. He told Margo and I had to explain the scars. Years upon years of self inflicted scars. She didn’t believe I was doing it to myself at first. She thought I was over hurting myself. Apparently, that never goes away.
I went to the pool in the creek to wash up. Blood smells. And in the wilderness that could be even more dangerous. And today we will be trekking through the woods looking at plants. The wonders of nature astound me.
There are plants that can heal you, plants that can kill you. And sometimes it’s the same plant that can do both. Irony at it’s finest. But most of all we are teaching the boys what they can eat if they are in a pinch and what they can’t. But the healing part is helpful if you run into a human who needs saving. There are very few injuries we can’t heal from in a couple of hours. Jumping off a high place is one such injury, but no amount of herbs will fix that.
Both Dylan and I did our morning thing in silence. Though I did watch him. It brought back memories of Madison walking in on me while I watched Dylan practice for his next swim competition in the Olympic sized pool in the AU building. The rooms above it were just class rooms but we hardly used them since the Gym below was always so busy. Usually kids used them to hide, but this one overlooked the pool and I was having a few alone time minutes when she walked in. Sage, I know you are reading this so, ask me and I’ll tell you the whole story. Needless to say I’m not going to write down the details of my first time here.
When Dylan got out he waved his hands to indicate I should stay seated. He laid his towel on the ground, presumably so he didn’t get dirty as water still clung to his body. I didn’t hid my admiration as he sat down oblivious to the look I had on my face. But I was slow to hid it and he blushed – actually blushed because I was looking at him. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”
“Sorry, old habits.” I turned and looked out at the creek.
We stayed in silence for a while before Dylan broke it, “Is Matt okay, now?”
I shook my head. “I think he’ll be okay. Being gay is rough, and when your peers don’t like it, or are afraid of it, it makes things difficult.”
“He could have come to me.”
I laughed. “Dude, you are straighter than any arrow. He’s not going to come to you But I think we need to watch him. He’s passive. Probably submissive. And you know how the boys get.”
Dylan frowned, “You don’t think he’ll stand up to them?”
I shook my head. “No I don’t. He hides from it all. Hides from them all, always separating himself from the group.”
“You never had that problem.”
I laughed at Dylan’s comment. “I have a whole shit town of other problems. And I enjoyed myself.”
Dylan smiled, “You could have fooled me – about the problems not the enjoying yourself. I’ll take your word on that.” He got up – gracefully unfolding his body and shook out his towel. “We should get back.”
I was glad he thought I didn’t have problems. But my life was not al peaches and cream like everyone thought.
There was very little silence as we walked back, Dylan asked, “You have nightmares a lot?”
Dylan nodded. “I’m surprised you didn’t wake anyone up.”
“I have nightmares every night.”
“Can I ask about what? What makes you so afraid you dream about it every night? I mean you hunt monsters for a living, you can’t be afraid of much.”
I grinned. “I’m afraid of a good many things, heights, flying, needles, clowns…” I looked over at Dylan in the darkness but he wasn’t looking at me. “My nightmares are things from my childhood. Things that coalesced into my underlying fears. Fears I work everyday to conquer but always seem to fall just a little bit too short of – though, that’s getting better, slowly.”
We neared camp and Dylan stopped grabbing my arm and pulling me close. “Do you think I’m easy to talk to?”
I leaned back taking a better look at the man who was starting to worry me a little. “Dylan, I hardly know you. This is probably our first detailed conversation. Why?”
Dylan shook his head and walked off towards camp, leaving me staring after him, wondering what the fuck just happened.