Only Forever

Only Forever

Alex looked at me with those blue eyes and looked completely exasperated with me, “Fine, what do you want to know?”

“I only want to know what you want to tell me Alex.” I said. But Alex was staring at my mouth and smirked, he hadn’t heard me at all.

“I’m sorry. I was just thinking of other things I’d rather you did with your mouth.” he said.

“I said. I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me. Alex, I know you don’t want to share your life with me. I’m okay with that. As long as I get you.”

Alex looked lost, and I wasn’t sure I liked that look on him. He was supposed to be the confident one. He spoke in a soft tone, “Why would you settle Nox. You deserve someone who will give you everything you want.”

“I’m not settling, Alex. I’m getting exactly what I want.” It was the truth only thing I wanted was Alex. It was all I could think about. He was all I wanted.

“And what’s that Nox?” he asked, like he couldn’t hear it in my head.

“You.” I said with a soft sigh.

“Why?” he asked, amused at my answer. I wasn’t sure if he was happy or disappointed in it though. Sometimes I wished I could read his mind.

I shrugged, “Do you really want to know?” I didn’t want to scare him away. I only just got him back. I didn’t want him to leave me again. I wasn’t sure I could handle it a third time.

“Sure, why not.” Alex said with a shrug.

I grinned at him and crawled over to him. I pressed myself between his legs and looked up Alex with those big blue eyes of his and tried not to look away as I told him exactly how I felt, “Because you are my first everything. And I’ve had a lot of every thing in between then and now. I know I want you to be my last everything.”

Alex smirked. “That sounds an awful lot like a proposal.”

I dropped my eeys and stared at his chest. I hadn’t wanted to make it sound like that. But it was the truth. I would spend the rest of my life wit him. I fucking wanted to, but I didn’t want to lose him. The emotions were warring inside of me. But I wanted what I wanted and I looked up back at Alex, “It is what it is.” I said. “I’m not asking you for marriage or anything quite so grand.” I grinned and found the humor in the accusation. Alex was joking, but I took it too far, the wrong way. I had… but I sighed and continued, “But it’s the truth. I’d say the ‘L’ word if it wouldn’t scare you away.”

“What word is that lust? Lucky? Lick?” Alex joked. I smiled as Alex leaned in towards my neck and I titled my head to the side. Alex plastered a lick across my neck and my body shuddered at the attention. “I licked it so it’s mine.” Alex said and I relaxed into him. I fucking missed him.

I didn’t want to bore Alex with talking too much, “We don’t have to do all of it now. You aren’t mad at me for coming here?”

“Pretty boy, thank you for coming. Now please come up here. I promise you I won’t leave you this time.” My heart beat fast in my chess as I crawled up next to him. I laid down and curled around him. I pressed my face into his neck and I took a deep breath. I missed this so fucking much.



Alex stammered, “What? How is this my fault?” he tried to shove me but I didn’t move.

I sighed. I didn’t like Alex mad at me and I didn’t know any other way to explain. “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said you are the reason I can’t remember.” I grabbed Alex’s hand and I dragged him over so I could relax into the wall and get lost in my dreams again without falling over.

I took Alex through a specific memory. We were playing like every other time we’d done in every other dream. I was building towers that spelled the word monster no matter the order I placed the blocks, but the whispers had died down. I truly hated myself in my subconscious. But I was happy with the little blue-eyed boy sitting next to me building towers and then we’d smash them together.

“Alex, I’ll see you tomorrow. I got to get to class,” I said calmly. My voice drifting into the dream. And we parted ways. And the dream drifted away into the darkness into the very next sequence. I knew Alex then. Knew his name. He was my Mushu, my best friend. He was the reason I made it through Garrett’s teachings. But then something happened…

I was standing in the darkness. Hands and feet spread and pressed against an invisible wall. My demon was beating me with tentacles of fire and air, earth and water, and tears slid down my cheeks but I never sparked. I controlled my fear. I controlled my hatred of the man. I didn’t spark.

But there was a boy in the dream and the demon turned towards him. Took hold of my Alex. And even though I couldn’t see I knew from the screams that Garret was holding him tight with bonds of air. And then he screamed and the pain ripped through me. I knew that pain. One lash. I was frozen in fear.

I heard the meat flayed from Alex’s back as a second strike hit. I was angry. I turned and I grabbed the fire inside. I saw it. I always saw it. I knew what to do with it. I grabbed it, I willed it into a fiery ball and as the third strike landed I threw the ball of fire at the Demon.

He laughed as he winked out and the fireball splattered across the far wall of darkness. I rushed over to Alex and he was bleeding and I wrapped my arms around him and I cried into his shoulder. He couldn’t come here anymore, if Garrett knew what he was. He’d find him. Hurt him just to hurt me. I couldn’t do that. “You can’t come back. He’ll kill you Alex. He knows what you are. You know what he is. He’ll find you and you’ll die because of me,” I whispered.

I was so afraid. I hurt so bad for Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. He was older than me. I knew that much. He acted older and was there when I needed him. Always there when I did… He was the reason I lived. There were other memories, ones where he’d saved my life just before the demon snatched me away again. But he always gave me the will to fight on. Without Alex I wouldn’t be here.

Alex spoke confidently to me, “I’ll make you forget me. I’ll make him forget me. No one will know. I’ve done it before. Kish will help me. Please don’t make me stay away.”

If I didn’t know, Garrett couldn’t use me to find him. And Alex would be safe, so I had nodded then. And my world was forever changed. I’d forgotten my best friend when I woke. I’d forget him every night and I’d bury the memories in the deep dark recesses of my mind someplace Garrett would never find him, but where I’d never forget him. He was my everything and he’d just ripped my heart out.

We were standing in an alley holding hands. Alex was staring at me and I was trying not to cry but I could feel the tears staining my cheeks. Alex wasn’t angry anymore but his voice was rough with emotion, “What the fuck just happened?”

“Margo showed me how to regress into my memories. Well I figured it out while she talked me through it. It was easy once I figured it out.”

Alex took a step back, “What the fuck was that, Nox?” he asked.

I looked at the ground, “My nightmare. The same dream I have every night. I’ve had had every night since I was six years old.”

“What was that thing?”

“That was my teacher. He taught me how to control the elements through pain and violence and obedience.”

“So he was beating the control into you.” Alex growled like he was going to do something about it right then and there.

I shrugged. “Yes. He is the reason I am the way I am.”

“Why you are submissive you mean?”

I didn’t really know. I shrugged again, “No. I was that way before. He took advantage of it. I want to please people, if you hadn’t noticed. He’s why everything is about control. I control my mind, my body, my soul and it’s very tiring,” I said softly. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I just wanted you to know I was working on remembering, and had seen our first kiss, our first time. I saw all the faces, the fun, the bad times. I’m still finding memories. You’re the reason I survived.” I shook my head and moved away from the wall and started to walk away.

But I stopped and turned around, I looked at those ice blue eyes one last time. He was so impossibly close yet I didn’t remember him moving. “Since you can’t say it to my face, I’ll say it to yours. It’s over.” Tears slid down my cheek, and my voice cracked as I continued, “I’m done.” I felt my heart shattering, my breath quickened as the panic started to set in. “There will never be an us. I’ll lose your number. You won’t hear from me again. Good-bye. Al…” As I started to say his name he grabbed my shirt and pulled me against him and kissed me hard and fast.

Sept 6, 2015 @ 4:45AM

Yesterday was a busy day, I didn’t get a chance to hit the writing.  I didn’t wake up with nightmares this morning.  My alarm actually woke me up.  Sage is still curled up in his bed sleeping.  He rolled over when my alarm went off after kissing me good morning.  I missed him.  I needed him.

So.  Yesterday we got back to HQ early in the morning.  We were able to book a flight for that afternoon and all of us were going to fly back to JFK and be back home in our own beds by 11:46PM.  It was late, but we were all okay with that.

While we waited for the vans to take us to the airport, we saw two familiar faces walking around HQ, hand in hand all kissy faced.  The boys all greeted them with fondness.  But I saw the surprised looks on their faces before they hid them behind the feigned happiness.  They had left the boys to die.  It made me wonder if Dylan’s son was really in trouble, or if he was feigning that too.

Thankfully I got that answer.  Dylan came over to me and offered me his hand which I ignored.  He frowned at me, “I thought we were past that.”

I smiled at him, “We were until you left 13 boys to die in the woods.”

He paled a little.  “I had my orders.”

“Yeah?  Be glad I don’t have a gun handy or I’d shoot you in the head right now.”

“Whatever.  I came over here to thank you about Sam.  Dr. Silverman accepted him as a patient and Lisa says he’s doing better.  Still has nightmares and bleeds every night, but he’s talking to her about it now.  Lisa is afraid.  I don’t think I’ll be coming out in the woods until we solve this.”

I nodded.  I didn’t want to tell Dylan I would help him.  Because I wasn’t helping the bastard at all.  I was helping his son, a six year old boy who Garret was fucking over.  Dylan could rot in hell for all I cared.  I wished he could live through just one night of what Sam endured.  My goal was to check in with all those kids who I’d seen.  And I hoped to find that boy who we can’t seem to locate.  Dorian and Sage were locking but I hadn’t gotten any updates since before all this happened.  Maybe it’ll all work out.

I shared a row with Matt and Faelen.  Faelen got the window seat – he was in heaven.  I was glad for his enthusiasm but I was still freaking the fuck out. Darwynn sat across the aisle from me.  I think he wanted to see me freaking out.  I thought I heard him chuckling from behind his magazine, but I ignored it.  Wait till he saw me in an elevator without Sage.

When we landed, the boys were all taken to the Academy.  Matt took Faelen with him – said he could bunk with him until we got things situated.  I definitely didn’t have room for the wolf in my apartment.  Sage, my love, my light, met me at the airport.  He was waiting with my bag on his shoulder when I made it down to claim it.  His blue eyes sparkled and I had to keep my feelings in check when he wrapped his arms around me.

He drove me to his house. We barely said a word.  His hand strayed to my leg or arm most of the ride.  Comforting me the only way he could.  He said that Drake was with my dad for the night.  He said, “I promised Drake you’d let him have cake for breakfast tomorrow.  It was the only way he’d stay with your dad.”

I laughed, and then I felt the bubble break.  I didn’t break down and cry, but I felt the world crash in on me long before Sage was helping me out of the car outside his house.  He carried my things inside and took them upstairs to his room.  He was grinning like a fool.  My things were finally almost completely in his house now.

I didn’t take off my clothes as I plopped down on his bed.  Sage touched my face and smiled down at me.  “You okay?”

I shook my head.  “No love, I’m not.  I need you.”

He smiled brightly at me, “I’m not going anywhere.”

I fell back on the bed and pulled Sage by his shirt with me.  His body pressed mine into the mattress and I kissed his neck then whispered into his ear, “You misunderstand.  I need you, love.  I need you inside me.  I need you.”

Sage’s body shuddered on top of me, “I thought you’d never ask.”

It wasn’t the most perfect night, I broke down completely after releasing all that built up tension.  But I had no desire to leave afterwards.  Hell I curled up next to him, naked and we slept, I dreamt of him and for the first time in a while, the nightmares didn’t scare me when they woke me.  Sure my heart was beating, my body was sore from the beatings, but I was still in Sage’s bed.  He loved me.  I loved him, and together we could accomplish anything.  And I had a feeling that life was going to get even crazier now that I was on a mission to right the wrongs of the world.  Not because I was special but because those boys I saved were.  All of them are – everywhere.

Whole Story

Confession (12/31/2018)
Only Forever (1/2/2019)

Sept 4, 2015 @ 6:30PM

We are almost to HQ in Boulder.  Another 1 hour hike, but the boys all wanted to camp out one more night.  I think they were hoping that Dylan and Michaela would catch up with them.  I think they felt abandoned by them.  Left to die.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them that they were.  That the Venatori knew about this.  They may not have been hand picked, but they had been sent here by the Academy to die.  I had every intention of finding out why we thought it was a good idea to sacrifice a bunch of boys to the fucking therians.  And why those therians weren’t dead before now.

I was grateful that Michael and Dylan had killed those who attacked the boys.  But it devastated me that they killed their families first.  What kind of people do that?  They were innocent.  Their only flaw was that they were bitten or born into a world where they shifted at the full moon into a predeator.  It’s a harsh reality.  The Venatori need to change.  I probably can’t do much about it, but I have to try.  Killing our own to satisfy another race blood lust, just so they don’t kill more.  And even the Therians were sacrificing their own for the stupid tradition.

It makes me sick.  And …. I don’t know and nothing.  This has to stop.

I still haven’t called Sage.  I’m afraid of collapsing into a pile of goo the moment I hear his voice.  He’s my safe place, my home.  He’s my rock.  But right now, I need to be that rock.  I can’t allow myself to implode.

The boys are all hanging out together.  At least while the fire is burning bright, here is plenty of food.  Jerry rigged up some music, and they are dancing around like the boys in Lord of the Flies… that is the movie right?

Even Faelen and Matt are out there, though Faelen is still attached pretty much at the hip to Matt.  But I don’t think Matt minds.  He likes taking care of people that’s one thing for certain.

Darwynn is watching outside the ring of firelight.  He keeps looking at me like he’s trying to figure me out.  I smiled at him and he came to sit next to me.  We sat for a while just watching the boys.  “You think you can make a difference?” He said breaking the silence.

I shrugged.  “No.  Tradition and all that.  But I can’t sit by and let 15 more boys die someplace else because of tradition.  Chris should be going home to see his family, work on the farm and grow the biggest damned pumpkin he can.  Instead I’m carrying him home in a plastic bag so his family can bury him properly.”

Darwynn nodded, “I’ll come.  I don’t know how much help I’ll be.  But I’ll come.  If anything I’ll be at your side when shit hits the fan.”

We sat in silence for a while longer, “Faelen likes you.  He likes Matt.  He has no family.  He had none to begin with.  He was turned a few years back.  He hasn’t shifted yet.  He needs a pack.”

I smiled.  “He’ll have one.  It’s small, but he’ll belong.  He’ll be loved and looked after.  We may not be be shifters but he has a pack.  And have the resources to make sure he grows up to be a productive member of wolf society.  Maybe not human, but I hope Sage can handle that.”

Darwynn laughed, “I’ve never been to New York City.  I’ve never flown on a commercial plane either.”

I smiled.  “Well don’t sit next to me.”  He looked at me curiously.  I grinned.  “I’m afraid of flying.”

“Big bad hunter, afraid of flying?”

I laughed.  “You’ll find I’m afraid of a lot of things.”

Darwynn and I chatted until the boys all collapsed from exhaustion around the fire.  Tomorrow we are back in civilization and get to put this all behind us.  Tomorrow is a new day – the Venatori have a lot to answer for.  And I am not exactly how far I am willing to go to make them see the error of their ways.

Whole Story

Confession (12/31/2018)
Only Forever (1/2/2019)

Sept 4, 2015 @ 10:06AM

Darwyn came back with his buck, the boys helped him cook it and we ate well outside the ruined village. I buried as many of the bodies I could. Matt and Faelen helped me. Respecting the dead of our fallen foes. All of the boys filtered off into their little cliques. The teams didn’t stick together, it was their friends and nothing but their friends. Even my group of boys who had worked together were all sitting alone. Life went on, and they were waiting on me to take them back.

Now that we have everything buttoned up here. No forest fires, no corpses to be scavenged and stumbled upon by humans, we headed for Boulder.

Whole Story

Confession (12/31/2018)
Only Forever (1/2/2019)

Sept 4, 2015 @ 2:06AM 

Shortly after my little speech we heard an explosion in the direction we were heading. Everyone ran in that direction.  We were still an hour out by the time we saw the billowing smoke it was too late.

I could smell the stench of burning flesh and hair.  The fire burned hot and it smelled like petroleum and other man made things.  There were no survivors.  Well I say that, but it’s a lie.  I found a woman who’s body was burnining she was still alive, her therian blood kept her alive longer, her lungs hadn’t burnt with the smoke.  But the burn marks on her body I knew.  Dragon’s fire.  Or napalm – man made dragon’s fire.  The stuff burns until there is nothing left to burn.  She wailed for me to help her.  I tried.  But It was too much to heal.  She begged and pleaded.  I told her I was sorry.  She whispered, “Kill me.”  she whispered it over and over until I was certain that was what she said.

I had my gun out, Faelen was behind me.  He yelled when I pulled the trigger.  He scooped the dead woman up in his arms and glared at me heedless of the napalm he had on his skin.  He screamed even as I put the fire out with my power.  His arm and chest would scar, but he’d live.  I picked him up and carried him as I put out the fires all around us.

Faelen had passed out in my arms.  I almost dropped the boy several times while I walked but he clung to me even as I stumbled to my knees.

There were no survivors.  And I didn’t see anything that was recognizeable as Dylan or Michaela, only women and children – burnt and dead.  there were no men in this villiage, they were out hunting us. And Michaela and Dylan killed their families….

At the edge of their little village I collapsed.  Matt said I passed out completely.  I woke up a few minutes ago.  My boys all around the fire sleeping.  Darwynn dressed and standing by the fire watching over us.  He spoke quietly when he saw me watching him.  “The rest are dead, the boy and I the only survivors.  There was no way we could survive against what they threw at us.”

I sat up and put my head on my knees and closed my eyes.  It was hard to move, hard to breathe.  I asked when the nausea was swept away when Matt laid his hand on my leg, still asleep he knew I was in need.  “Are you going to retaliate?”

Darwyn knelt down in front of me, creating a dark silhouette in front of me against the bright fire.  “To what end.   So you can kill me?”

I sighed.  “Come back with me, help me fix this?”

Darwynn laughed as he stood up, “What’s a boy like you going to do?”

I looked up at him with a smile.  “Come with me and find out.”

Darwynn nodded once as he pulled his shirt off.  “I’ll think about it.  I’m hungry.  I smelled a buck pass by not long ago.”  He shifted and was off at a run now that I was awake.

Michaela and Dylan were still missing, but right now I didn’t care.  They could die for all I cared at the moment.  The boys were safe, and that was all I cared about.

Whole Story

Confession (12/31/2018)
Only Forever (1/2/2019)