There was a knock at the door and I looked at Alex with a frown. He just smirked running his fingers through the bleached locks of hair on his head. I couldn’t fucking wait for him to let me turn it back the right color.

Alex answered the door and two women and one man walked into the room carrying clothes. “I sent Dorian a message. He does all your shopping right?” Alex went on like he already knew the answer, which obviously he did. “He sent your measurements. And since you didn’t give me that ooh, let’s go shopping vibe I decided it was better to bring you the clothes than take you.” He grinned at me with an look that said he had other plans too.

A blonde who was highly attractive set a pile of clothes down in bags on the bed and pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek, “Jimmy darling, next time give me more time and I can do such a better job of picking out things.” She walked over to me and put her finger on my cheek and turned my face like she was check out my lines. She took a step back and made a twirling motion with her finger. Alex smirked, “She wants you to turn around.”

I spun around not very elegantly, was more annoyed at it all. “I will send up a few more items, now that I’ve seen him.” She said as she stepped towards the door in her four inch high heels and short short black dress.

The girl that had followed her in was a stark contrast to what the first one was. The woman called after her, “Angela, come, we have more work than we thought to do.”

I looked at Alex and he shrugged. But the girl put the boxes she was holding down on the floor and looked at me quickly and blushed then turned away quickly and followed after her mistress, “Yes, Sasha, I’m coming.”

The man looked at Alex and held out a box and Alex looked in without really letting me see what he was looking at. “Fernando can you leave the watches while I talk to Nox about it.”

The man looked over the spectcales perched on his hawk like nose and then gave a slight nod. “Call me when you’ve decided and I’ll finish the job.”

Alex nodded and the man left us alone with a very expensive box of watches that Alex finally let me see. “I…” Alex started and sat down in the chair by the window. He set the boxes of watched down and waved me over to look at them. Alex tapped the watch on his wrist. “Kate gave me this.”

“I know.” I said. “It’s the only watch you wear in your dreams.”

“You knew it was from the woman…”

“I knew it was from Kate. Alex, I know you don’t want to talk about her. It’s okay. I know it’s special to you.”

“That’s not the only reason I wear it though” Alex confided. “I have a tracker in it.”

“It’s that important?” I asked.

Alex shook his head, “No, well yes. But that’s not way. It’s not so I can find it. It’s so Benji can find me.”

“Does Sage know?” I asked.

“Uh. Why… Oh wait, The Wicked Truth does, yes. He’s a prick and found it when he was scanning my phone.”

I smirked, “That sounds like Sage. You never let him anywhere you don’t want him to get into your shit.”

“That’s how he found your camera?”

I nodded, “Yeah.” It wasn’t a big deal to me, but that had been a big deal to Alex. I don’t regret smashing it at all, it was pretty useless anway, only use it to let Sage watch me. And Sage’s collection of me was rather large considering I was using sex as a coping mechanism even when I wasn’t getting laid every week or every night.

Alex was frowning, “I don’t like not being in your head. That look was not for me but it was very…”

He didn’t need to finish so I interrupted, “I was thinking that the camera wasn’t doing me any good. I didn’t mind smashing it. Sage’s voyeur collection of me was extensive. If you have issues, I can ask him to trash it all.”

“How extensive?” Alex said though he didn’t move from his spot, I could see the interest. Watching porn was fun, but watching your guy. And Alex was probably already plotting how he was going to make Sage give it up.

“Since Dan, I’ve probably masterbated every night and Sage knows my schedule so I’m sure he had set up plenty of recording times.”

Alex growled. So I added, “I’ll ask Sage to give them to me.” It wasn’t a question of if Alex wanted me to this time. I would do it because Sage didn’t need me in his sexual fantasies anymore. I was off the market. And I wanted Alex happy.

“Whatever.” Alex muttered with a shake of his head. “So back to the watches. I want to buy you a watch, so I can find you.” Alex didn’t look happy. I wasn’t sure if it was because of Sage watching me, he’d already gotten that part of the relationship. Or if it was because I let him. Either way Alex wasn’t happy but he changed the subject anyway.

“Is this because I disappeared on you?”

He nodded. “Yes, but ..”

I interrupted, “No but required Alex. I will do whatever will make you happy. Will prove to you I’m not going anywhere.” I looked down at the watches, “Which one do you like?”

“Which one do you like?” Alex asked

I shrugged, “I don’t suppose it really matters to me. Mine works perfectly fine.” It wasn’t very expensive. The leather band I had replaced a few times, but the face was the same one I’d had for a while now. “Probably don’t want too expensive. I tend to bang it up pretty bad.” There were scratches on the surface of the watch, and also why I needed to change the band several times.

Alex nodded and looked at the watched and picked out a leather band with a black face – no numbers. “I think this one will work?”

I smiled. “It’s nice and simple.”

Good. He turned me around and shoved me in the direction of the bathroom. “Go try on clothes.”

Alex called Benji after our shower to confirm their plans. I only half listened to the conversation. I really didn’t understand what was going on with Benji coming to New York. And I didn’t exactly ask, but it had to do with vampires. That much I understood, which was why Ant had gotten involved in helping them.

I was folding Alex’s things and putting them in his bag when he wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my neck, “You do know that they are going to be a mess.”

I nodded, “Yeah, but at least the mess will be easier to find things in.”

Alex sighed as he sat down on the bed and pulled something out from underneath it. I glanced at the large tome, the leather binding and the image on the cover sort of swirled and pulled at me. I had to look away or it might make me sick. I don’t know if Alex saw my expression or read something else, he asked, “You okay?”

“Just a strange book.”

Alex shrugged. “Won it in a poker game. The vampires Benji’s running form were trying to win it from some guy, Decon Claire…”

“Deacon LeCleair?” I asked. That was the guy Ant sent me looking for and sent him to Vegas. He was here in Vegas. The coincidence had me turning around, “You have the Book Ant is looking for?”

Alex shrugged. “They didn’t seem happy that I had the book. They thought they had it all wrapped up but I came in and got the winning cards. It wasn’t hard, they thought I was just some chump.”

“Cari has that book under protection. It got stolen, Ant asked me to find the guy who stole it.”

He handed me the book. I didn’t take it and Alex stood up and shoved it in my hands. “Give it to the dark prince. I don’t want it. I only won it because they wanted it.”

The book felt warm in my hands. I touched the cover and it was almost like the words rearranged themselves as I looked at it. “The Origin of Species” the title read.

Alex glanced at the cover, “You can read that?”

I looked down at it again, “You can’t?” I didn’t really know what I was seeing. But I understood it.

I flipped open the book and read the first page. It was just the title like any other book I’d ever read. Except that it seemed like the letters moved and then I understood them.

“The Origin of Species” I said again.

Alex walked over to the bed stand pulled out a pen and paper that was kept in the drawer there. He drew a symbol on the page. “This is one of the characters I see. What do you see?”

I shrugged. “It’s a pictograph. A symbol. It looks like something on the rune stones at the AU building.” Alex walks over and points to the symbol on the page. “Yeah it’s the same.”

Alex looks up at me with questions in his eyes. “And what does it all say?”

I look back down, “The Origin of Species.”

Alex looked down, “Where does it say that?”

I look up at him and then back down and I shrug. “I don’t know but I know that’s what it says.”

Alex frowned and grabbed the book. “Later. We’ll deal with this later.” He wrapped it in a towel. He was oblivious to the fact that it was the hotels.

“You gonna steal the towel?” I grinned at him playfully.

He looked down at the towel then back at me. He nodded and smirked, “They won’t miss it.”

“You sure?” I poked at him.

He nodded as he opened up another bag full of towels and a robe or two. “Maria is more than happy to give me the linens.” Alex’s smile said he’d used his power on her.

“I’m sure she is. You tip her well?”

Alex gave me a weird smile but he went about his packing pushing me out of the way with a quick nod. He hadn’t tipped her at all. That was my guess. I pulled my wallet out of my jeans, that I’d cleaned earlier and was wearing again. Alex had mentioned shopping, but I wasn’t keen on the idea. We’d see. I had hoped to distract him from the experience. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go I just didn’t want him to spend mone on me. I could buy my own clothes. I put a slightly folded hundred on the dresser by the TV where Alex’s key cards sat.

“Fuck Nox. They aren’t worth that.”

“What are they worth to you Alex?”

He stared at me but didn’t answer my question. He probably didn’t care one way or the other. “If you are going to manipulate someone the least you can do is compensate them. The first thing I learned in the field is people are more cooperative if you are friendly. The second thing I learned is they are people too and they deserve to be treated right. Otherwise why bother doing any of it.”

“She’s just a cleaning lady.” Alex said.

“Yeah who will probably get money taken out of her paycheck because towels went missing.” I didn’t know that for certain. But in some places that’s how it worked.

Alex stared at me as I packed the last shirt in the bag he’d had and zipped it up. He was still looking at me when I set his bag on the bed with the rest of his things. “Is that why you dropped a hundred on the table when we had coffee with the wolf?”

“I do that because they are good to me in other ways. Informants are better if you make it worth their while. And the places you want to keep a secret you make sure that it’s worth their while.”

I shook my head. I felt like I was lecturing Alex.

“Do you pay for favors in any other way?” Alex asked. I was pretty sure he was asking if I gave up sex for information. But he didn’t ask that.

“Usually it’s favors for favors. For some I give blood. But I’ve never sold my body to get my way if that’s what you are asking.”

Alex relaxed a little, though I knew he didn’t like the idea of my donating blood. “If you have a problem with my favors, I can stop giving blood. It’s a better form of currency than money with a vampire. They tend to be too long lived for the information I want. The babies are happy with the money.”

“Like the prince of darkness.”

“Yes. Money means little to Ant. Power is more of an incentive.”

“Even though he has to do what you say?”

I looked at him confused, and then remembered our discussion about the bond I’d accidentially created. “I would never force him to do anything he didn’t want to do.”

“But you could.” Alex said as if it were a normal thing to consider, and for him it was. He pushed people all the time. Just like Maria.

“I won’t though.” I said. I wanted to change the subject, “What are we going shopping for?”

Alex looked at me and frowned, “I didn’t get the feeling you wanted to go.”

“I don’t. But you want to take me. So I’ll bite. But Alex I get to say no.”

Alex smirked, “We’ll see.”

I pulled on Alex’s clothes. As I pulled the shirt over my head I smelled nothing but Alex. I could get used to that. Smelling him everywhere specially on me. That would be heaven.

I expected Alex to be chuckling but he was ignoring my thoughts he wasn’t reading me even now. I wondered how long he was going to keep that up. He pulled on his own sweats and a t-shirt and we headed down the stairs as a warm up to the sparring we were about to do. I was pretty sure Alex thought this was going to be just fun, and I’m sure it was. But I needed a good workout. I might have to do more when we get back to the room.

The courtyard of the hotel was nice. It wasn’t garden like but there was grass and the weather was nice even for 8am. The sun was higher in the sky than when I usually went for a run in the morning. Fuck it was 4 hours after I usually did my morning workout. I was walking to work before this time.

I felt the panic setting in. The crushing in my chest as my heart pounded and my breath caught making it all that much more difficult to breath. Alex put his hand in mine. “It’s alright Nox. You don’t have anywhere to be.” He was grinning at me. “I didn’t realize how easy you were to read.”

“You mean without being in my head.” I said. I could feel he wasn’t in my head and I let my senses go to see his shields. To know and feel and be good with it. I didn’t like Alex changing for me. I didn’t want him to change.

Alex laughed, “Stop, whatever is going through your head. Focus on your workout. I can’t say I’m going to give you a run for your money though.” He squeezed my arm and then gave me an appreciative look. “I run more than I box.”

I smiled. “I’ll take it easy on you.”

“Don’t you dare.” Alex said as he through a punch that I easily ducked. And it was on. This was the first time we’d done this. I don’t think we even play fought in the dreams. I didn’t know Alex’s training or his tactics. And it wasn’t long before I knew he was a boxer. The way he moved, and pranced and circle me. His hands held just so. It was all upper body. I didn’t like boxing. It wasn’t a practical way to fight. I’d learned the rules, the forms. We all had. But it wasn’t any one’s preferred method. Even my father was more into MMA than staright up box. But I’d been boxing with Max and Drew from Aspect.

I told Alex as much, adding in, “You should join them. I think you’d really like them.”

“Are you hooking me up with your friends?” Alex asked as he went in for a jab that struk me in the jaw making me wince.

“They aren’t exactly my friends. I practice fighting normal humans with them. Following their rules, being human.”

Alex stopped and looked at me, “You mean like you are doing with me right now?” Alex raised an eye brow, “I know you are holding back.”

“I always hold back with you Alex. With almost everything.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

I dropped my gaze, “Like with everything. I could hurt you. I…”

“Wait you are saying you hold back when you fuck me?”

I nodded, “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not as strong as a full Venatori, but I could easily hurt you.”

“So these big burly guys you let fuck you, you could have hurt them?”

I nodded. “Yeah probably.”

Alex got angry. “You let them hurt you?”

“I wanted them to.”

He growled at me and walked away. I closed my eyes and stood where he’d left me. I was going to fall down a hole, I wanted to curl up and die. Alex spoke softly, “Is that really what you think of yourself?”

“You’ve seen my dreams. You’ve listened to my thoughts. You tell me.”

Alex sighed and came back and force me around to face him. But I didn’t raize my gaze to meet his disapointed eyes. It was hard enough to do this when he listened to me in my head, but now he wasn’t and I was going to have to talk to him. “Pretty boy. You are amazing. When are you going to learn that?”

“So amazing you walked away from me.” I growled at him and started walking for his room.

Alex grabbed my arm, “I’m a fuck up. I’m scared. That’s not on you.”

I nodded at him as he tried to make me understand, it’s not you, it’s me. The bullshit line everyone says. “I’m so amazing a scared fucked up guy can’t love me. I can’t keep him happy, that’s on me.”

“Whever fucked you up I want to fucking kill.” Alex growled.

“You know who fucked me up.” I said as I collapsed to the grass where we’d been practicing.

“Are you saying I fucked you up?”

I blinked up at him. “Fuck no. Alex. You are the only fucking reason I survived. The Venatori made me this way, my mother made me this way.” I stood up and I grabbed his arms and made him look at me, “You did not do this.”

There was releif on his face. I smiled at him. “Alex, I fucking love you. I can’t do this without you. And I’m an oversenstive asshole.”

Alex smirked at me, “And I’m just an asshole, Nox. But you are mine, and I’m your’s.” He pressed a kiss to my lips and I melted into him.

When we broke apart Alex whispered, “I’ll watch you practice. I’m not doing you any good.”

“Yes you were,” but I didn’t press him to spar with me I just went into a body weight workout and he watched me. I don’t think his eyes left my body once while I went through a 45 min routine. Which only made me work harder.

The Lost Dream

I took Alex through a specific memory. We were playing like every other time we’d done in every other dream. I was building towers that spelled the word monster no matter the order I placed the blocks, but the whispers had died down. I truly hated myself in my subconscious. But I was happy with the little blue-eyed boy sitting next to me building towers and then we’d smash them together.

“Alex, I’ll see you tomorrow. I got to get to class,” I said calmly. My voice drifting into the dream. And we parted ways. And the dream drifted away into the darkness into the very next sequence. I knew Alex then. Knew his name. He was my Mushu, my best friend. He was the reason I made it through Garrett’s teachings. But then something happened…

I was standing in the darkness. Hands and feet spread and pressed against an invisible wall. My demon was beating me with tentacles of fire and air, earth and water, and tears slid down my cheeks but I never sparked. I controlled my fear. I controlled my hatred of the man. I didn’t spark. In the dream world I felt everything saw everthing as if i were actually feeling it. I wasn’t standing by watching, it was me.

But there was a boy in the dream and the demon turned towards him. Took hold of my Alex. And even though I couldn’t see I knew from the screams that Garrett was holding him tight with bonds of air. And then he screamed and the pain ripped through me. I knew that pain. One lash. I was frozen in fear.

I heard the meat flayed from Alex’s back as a second strike hit. I was angry. I turned and I grabbed the fire inside. I saw it. I always saw it. I knew what to do with it. I grabbed it, I willed it into a fiery ball and as the third strike landed I threw the ball of fire at the Demon.

He laughed as he winked out and the fireball splattered across the far wall of darkness. I rushed over to Alex and he was bleeding and I wrapped my arms around him and I cried into his shoulder. He couldn’t come here anymore, if Garrett knew what he was. He’d find him. Hurt him just to hurt me. I couldn’t do that. “You can’t come back. He’ll kill you Alex. He knows what you are. You know what he is. He’ll find you and you’ll die because of me,” I whispered.

I was so afraid. I hurt so bad for Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. He was older than me. I knew that much. He acted older and was there when I needed him. Always there when I did… He was the reason I lived. There were other memories, ones where he’d saved my life just before the demon snatched me away again. But he always gave me the will to fight on. Without Alex I wouldn’t be here.

Alex spoke confidently to me, “I’ll make you forget me. I’ll make him forget me. No one will know. I’ve done it before. Kish will help me. Please don’t make me stay away.”

If I didn’t know, Garrett couldn’t use me to find him. And Alex would be safe, so I had nodded then. And my world was forever changed. I’d forgotten my best friend when I woke. I’d forget him every night and I’d bury the memories in the deep dark recesses of my mind someplace Garrett would never find him, but where I’d never forget him.

I came away gasping for air into the dim lights of Alex’s hotel room. Alex was shaking next to me. At first I thought he was crying but he wasn’t he was laughing. I crawled away from him. I didn’t know what he thought was funny – none of it was funny. I felt like puking as my alarm sounded 4am. Alex glanced at it still chuckling and shaking his head as he swiped the alarm away. “I’m sorry pretty boy. It’s not funny. I know it’s not. I can’t fucking beleive it is all.”

His laughter died away as he knelt in front of me his hands on my knees and I bent over the bed trying not to get sick. “I’m sorry. Really I shouldn’t have laughed, so fucking me. I fuck up our lives.”

“You did it to protect yourself, I was so afraid Alex. You did it for me.”

Alex shook his head, “No, Nox. I did it for me. I needed you.”

“I needed you. I confided in him. I needed you safe, and away from Garrett. I needed you so you could kepe saving me.”

Alex shook his head and pulled me down on to the floor with him and pressed a kiss to my neck. “I’m sorry I always blamed you.”

“It was not our fault.” I said.

“But it doesn’t explain everything Nox. It explains why I can’t find you. Magic is powerful, but it doesn’t explain why you are taken from me every night.” Alex sighed as he stood up and headed for the bathroom door. “You coming?”

I stood up, “Where are we going?”

“Shower, breakfast, drive home.”

“It’s 4am.” Alex frowned. He shook his head, “I … uh… ” Alex took my phone from the night stand and tossed it on the bed, and walked around the bed to the window behind me and rippied open the curtains to reveal daylight.

I grabbed my phone and looked at the time, it was 8am. “I reset your alarm to try something. Last time we spend the night together, as long as I touched you you slept fine, didn’t have a nightmare. It was only when I left you sleeping alone that you got hurt. I just wanted to see if I could keep you safe.”

I smiled at Alex. I was a little upset he’d played me, but I was okay with it. “Since you did that. I need to do some yoga, and get a workout in before I shower. Keep my schedule and coping mechanisms at peak performance. I can feel the late panic setting in even though I know I don’t have to be anywhere. We can down to the court yard and throw a few punches around. You do like to box, mma or whatever you want to call it right?”

Alex nodded. “I suppose I could get sweaty with you before we go. But you promise this is going to be alright?”

I shook my head, “I won’t make that promise to you, but I promise that it will be better if I do this than if I don’t.”

Alex seemed to think about it a little before he went into his closed and pulled out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and tossed them at me. “I also think you’ll need more than one pair of comfortable clothes to wear on the way home. So the new plan, a workout, shower breakfast, some shopping and then drive home?”

I shrugged, “Sounds fine to me. When is Ant taking Benji and his family to new York?”

“He should be taking them tonight. I talked to the dark prince after you walked out on me, and before you came back here. He said he’d take care of them, and suggested we take it slow going home. So we could get to know each other.”

I grinned, “So all this is cause of Ant?”

“No. All this is cause of you. Ant suggested going slow. And I I trust him.” Alex said. It was hard not to beleive him, he sounded so sure of this.

We were no long in the white room. We were on a sandy beach looking out into the ocean and I felt my bare feet squish in the sand any my heart raced. I started backing away and I ran into Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face to my neck and whispered, “It’s just a dream Nox.” He held me tight, “I’m here, it’s just a dream. The sand isn’t real.”

The world changed, rather shimmered and I was wearing shoes. The sand was gone and we were standing on the board walk. “I’m sorry.” Alex turned me around to look me in the eyes. “I forgot.”

I blinked at him, I was still in the middle of the panic attack. I tried to calm my breathing and Alex pressed his lips to mine. My breathing stopped all together and Alex pulled me closer. We broke the kiss and Alex whispered, “I forgot, I’m sorry, you okay?”

I licked my lips and nodded, “You make me better.”

Alex smirked. “I forgot the sand.”

I leaned forward and kissed Alex softly cupping his face with my hands, “It’s okay. You saved me.” I pulled away and saw my Alex. His blue eyes in his beautiful face, his inky black hair falling in his eyes. I reached up and pushed it out of his face and ran my fingers through it. “I miss this hair.” I grabbed a handful and tugged just a little, Alex groaned.

“You okay?” Alex asked.

“You make me better.” I said with a smirk. “I’m okay Alex. That was some kiss.”

Alex was still smirking. “This is my little white room.”

I turned around and looked out into the ocean again. “I’ve been here before.”

“Really? Like in a dream?” Alex asked.

“No, like really been here. It’s a beach out in the Hamptons where Dorian has a house. Ant used to take me out here to run at night. It looks different at night.”

“Why’d he bring you here if you hate the sand?”

“Taking me out of my comfort zone, making me work for the beating.” I shrugged. “He pushed me just enough that I could get better. I made glass from the sand on my person.”

“Of course you do.” Alex grinned. “You can’t do anything normal can you?”

I shook my head. “I am not normal.”

“I’m sorry you freaked out.” Alex said wrapping his arms around me from behind his chin resting on my shoulder. “I have something I want to show you. I don’t think it’ll send up any triggers.”

“I’m all yours.” I said as we were someplace else again.

The darkness was almost overwhelming but it soon became light and we were floating in a vast empty space. Or what I thought was empty at first, little globes of lights flickered everywhere. Cables ran from globe to globe to globe, slome looked larger than others the cables all varied too. I blinked as I adjusted. Alex’s arms were still wrapped around me. He spoke softly, like he didn’t want to wake anyone up. “These are all the sleeping bodies here in Vegas. All around us.” Alex did something and we were loating through the nothingness towards an orb. It was oddly familiar. I ran my fingers over the bubble and felt something I wasn’t sure what it was. “This is Benji’s dream.” Alex pointed to a cord that lead off into another direction. “That’s his friendship with me. I can’t see myself.” I ran my fingers over the thick cord, it was strong and smooth, almost like glass, though it was colored more like marble, white with thing veins of colors running through it.

“When I was younger I remember looking for you.” Alex confided, “But I could never find you. I would be drawn into your dream every night, but when you left I was never near you. I couldn’t find you. I don’t know why. Even after finding my Dad’s journal I knew I should be able to but I couldn’t.”

“You made me forget about you, you did the same to yourself, I guess.” I shrugged. I really didn’t know how dream walking worked much less how Alex’s form of it did. No one studied the dangerous powers – they were considered dangerous for a reason.

“How did I make you forget?” He was confused.

“I don’t know, I’m not the dream walker, but in my dream memories I saw it. I can show you.” I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be pretty, that it would be hard to go through, but he had to know. Just as I did.

We talked about so many things over the next few hours while Alex supposedly watched a movie. I was in and out of sleep and I think that was why Alex kept asking me questions. He asked about the scars on my back as the credits ran, “You didn’t tell me about these?”

“I have.” I said. I didn’t want to talk about it, not this close to sleep. Not this close to when the nightmares would come like it would summon it.

Alex shrank down next to me pulling me up on to his shoulder and pressed a kiss to my neck. “Please?” Alex begged, “I want to hear it as if I’m listening for the first time. I can’t see it in your head, I’m not reading you.”

I nodded and starte telling Alex the story. I started at the beginning at the first time I had my dream of being a monster. And I told him about my mother, and Garrett. I told him how he hurt me, and I told Alex how I’d forgotten him.

“Wait, why don’t I remember that?”

“You made us all forget. You made Garrett forget he hurt you in my dream. You made me forget you completely. But I think that was more me than you. My need to protect you because I didn’t want to see you hurt. You forgot that day. You never mentioned it again.”

I told Alex all about my nightmares. I went into vivid details about the whole thing, the fog that crept in. The glowing red eyes. The tentacles of fire that rained down on my back. I told him about how my power manifested at night, and the theory that I did it to myself. How I learned to heal my scars but it never healed the old ones. Like it was taking my ability existing skin and learning from it. I never got new scars but the old ones never healed over right.

Alex rubbed my back in small circles. “So this thing comes every night?”

I nodded, “Yes. And since the night you never showed up, or Jace lied to me, whenever I think about you I get a double dose. The eyes turn blue and then red and it is worse each time.”

“Something stole you away from me every night in a blur of black. I stopped it once. I hurt like a mother fucker. I have scars on my back from it.”

I shook my head. “No, You got that from when Garrett hit you.”

“No, they showed up the night I stopped it.”

I shook my head. “No, you remember the night in the dark? When I explored your body. They were there when I touched you in the dark.”

“No…”

I pressed a kiss to his lips. “Yes, I don’t know why you didn’t know.” I closed my eyes and pressed as close to Alex’s warm body as I could. “I really need to sleep.” I mumbled. “If I don’t, sleep soon I’ll just jump right into my nightmares.”

Alex pulled me close, “You’ve tried staying awake? Sleeping during the day?” Alex ran through several more options all of which I had tried. He wasn’t offering help, he was trying to see how he could help. But I was drained physically and emotionally and my ascent to his questions became weak and quiet and I drifted in the bleak room as a child playing with colored blocks.

The room whispered monster on the wind. I picked up a colored block with small hands and frowned. I wasn’t five. I wasn’t a monster. And as if the dream wanted to counter me the wind howled and the darkness and thunder outside grew. I yelled, “Get the fuck out!”

I heard a creek on the floor behind me and turned around quickly with a fireball in my hand. Alex took a step back with his hands in the air, “Calm down pretty boy it’s just me.”

He didn’t look like him, he sounded like him, his eyes were the same and looked strange in the borrowed face. I smiled at him and the fireball winked out with a small pop. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t yelling at you.”

“I know.” Alex said. His grin was his. I bit my bottom lip and glanced down at the floor. “Why do you always look away?” Alex came to me and put his fingers under my chin.

I shrugged, “I dunno. Habit I guess.”

“Don’t look away. Though I do admit to liking the shy look on you.”

“I’m not shy.” My smile brightened, “Well maybe only around you.”

“No need to be shy pretty boy.” Alex said pulling me close and kissing me hard. By the end of the kiss I was breathless and Alex was chuckling. “I know you want me.”

“Who wouldn’t? right?” I poked at Alex and wrapped my hands around his hips. I loved the feel of his body against mine, even though this wasn’t his body.

Alex bit my lip and I looked at him, I hadn’t realized I’d lowered my gaze again. “This is the first time I didn’t have to remind you who you were. But you aren’t playing the game anymore.”

“Should I?” I asked. “I mean I know who you are, does it matter now. Whatever we were hiding isn’t hidden anymore. And I can take care of myself now.”

“But I’m never me in the dream. Well…” Alex sighed, “That’s not completely true.” He took a step back and held out his hand. “Come with me?”

That was a no brainer. I took his hand and everything changed.

Alex just shrugged at my confusion. “You’ll have to talk to the prince of darkness himself. He’ll be by tomorrow if you need him before you get back to New York.”

“And the fact that I bound someone to me doesn’t bother you? ‘Specially him.” I was still terribly confused.

He held out his hand and waited for me to join him. I kicked off my shoes and took his hand and he pulled me down into his lap. “You’d think I would be. But it explains a lot.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Like how you feel about him. It’s not an ordinary friendship like it is with Sage. I’ve never met him, but when you talk about him, it’s normal friendship, with Ant it’s always more. Like you felt him more. I mistook it for an attraction, love you were fighting. I don’t know but I was wrong.”

“Are you admitting you were wrong?” I grinned at him.

Alex shoved me and I slide off his lap catching myself before I fell to the floor on my ass. Alex pursed his lips and offered his hand again, “Graceful.”

“You have no idea.” I said.

Alex gave me a quick once over. “I’m going to watch another movie. I’m not tired. I hope you don’t plan on sleeping in that.”

I unbutton my jeans and Alex smirked as I slid them down my legs. I tugged the hoodie off and thought about pulling off my t-shirt. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Alex… But that was the very reason I tugged the hem of my t-shirt over my head and folded my clothes neatly and set them on the table and climbed into bed next to Alex. He was under the sheet and the top covering was strewn down around his feet while he proped up against the fancy headboard.

I laid my head on his thigh and sighed contently. His hand rested on my back and I tensed at his touch, his fingers gently caressing a single spot before he stilled when he realized what he’d been doing. “It’s okay Alex.” I looked up at him, “My body is all yours. I trust you, which is why I took my shirt off in the first place. You really aren’t reading me?”

“I’m really not reading you pretty boy.” He looked down at me, “It’s hard.” He smirked.

I licked my lips and resisted the urge to press the palm of my hand against his crotch to make it harder. My fingers clenched Alex’s opposite thigh to keep my hand where it was. Alex chuckled as his fingers traced a particularly deep trench in my back which made me freeze against him with my eyes squished closed so tight I saw stars.

“Since we are starting over, tell me about the scars.” I looked up at him, and he ran his thumb over the scar on my left cheek. “Start with this one. I want the truth and the lie you tell.”

“The only scars I had growing up were the ones on my back. Ironically the other’s all happened 5 years ago.” I said softly as I put my cheek back on Alex’s thigh and his fingers traced another mountain range on my back. It felt like he was memorizing them. The TV became background noise as I told Alex all about the girl and the ghost who sliced my face with her knife. The truth was far more unbelievable than the lie – it was from a broken window I’d been crawling out of sneaking out of girls bedroom when her father came home.

I told him about the human dragon who breathed fire from his human throat, and how I lopped off his head before passing out. I lied and said I fell into a camp fire with my friends. I even told him how Sage would vouch for me. How they tended to my wounds and we spent months playing board games.

I started to tell the tale of my mother’s death. Alex shook his head. “I know that one. We don’t need to go over it. I don’t want to dredge up old wounds Nox.”

“I don’t mind. I’m not mad at my mother anymore. I got two brothers out of it. Two loving brothers who are so much more than the ones I grew up with. Even Nick isn’t what Rider and Laker are to me. I forgave her before them, but I forgave myself for them.”

Alex grabbed my chin and turned my head back towards him. He pressed a kiss to my lips softly, “You are so amazing sometimes.”

“I’m not amazing. I just learn how to be a better me.”

“And that’s pretty amazing.” Alex said. “I don’t think I forgave my mom for dying.”

“How’d she die? If I can ask.”

Alex froze. His hand stilled against my back and I could hear that he was holding his breath, his heart beat faster. He didn’t want to talk about himself. “It’s okay Alex. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Yes, I do. It’s not fair. You just accept it, Nox. You need to stand up for yourself.”

I shrugged, “It’s not that important Alex. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. That’s important to me, making you happy. It has nothing to do about me. And everything to do about you.”

“But you give and give and all I do is take.”

I sighed. “Alex.” I sat up and pulled my legs up into a crossed leg position and looked at him. “Alex you give without even thinking about it. Earlier you made me eat. Yes people will say you were being bossy and manipulative. But sometimes, that’s exactly what I need. You give yourself to me in other ways. I know you don’t want to talk. You’ll tell me when you are ready.”

“What if I’m never ready?” Alex interrupted.

“You’ll be ready one day to let me know all of you.”

“Nox…” Alex said looking away, “I don’t deserve you.”

“I don’t deserve you. You are willing to let it be about me.”

“Only because I don’t want to talk about me.” Alex laughed.

“No, I promise I’ll take care of you. And I know you’ll take care of me.”

Alex sighed and pulled me against him. “My mom died in a car accident. Nothing nearly as fantastical as a were-bear killing her. I was supposed to be with her.” Alex went on to tell me about her. It was the first time I’d heard him speak about her at any length – even in all the dreams I had remembered.

I did leave his room, but I didn’t get any father than the hallway before I crumbled. Two feet from Alex’s door I pressed my back against the golden wallpaper for a second time and I slide down to the floor. I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall and drown but what I wanted most was Alex. I pulled a veil around myself my shields tight. I didn’t want anyone to find me. This was as close to Alex as I was going to get ever again.

When I pulled my shield around me Alex’s door opened and he was staring in the direction I sat, but he didn’t see me. “I hate when you do that.” Alex spoke into the hallway not really looking at anything. “Since you haven’t left, and your last thought was about me, I’ll just say one last thing. I shouldn’t but I will.”

Alex sat down against his door frame facing the far window. Not looking in my direction. He leaned his head against the wood and stared up. “You disappeared, Nox. At the diner, you were gone from my head and I short of the time with the vampires you were never far from my head. I always feel you, even if you are far away, you are like this constant buzz that I just can’t read, and even if I could find you in the dreams I always had that. But you take it away when you shield so hard. It hurts. And then at the diner you crossed the road and disappeared. Like you are now. Fuck, I don’t even know if you are still here. If I’m talking to myself.”

I dropped the veil and the shield but Alex didn’t turn to look he just gave me a smile. “Nox you disappear on me all the time. Everyone leaves. It’s life. I’m sorry I ran away. But then again I’m not. I learned something talking with The prince of darkness. I learned that what happened between you two was nothing but magic, and magic neither of you can control. I’m glad he was there for you when I couldn’t be. I ran because if you could so easily disappear what was keeping you from doing it again later when I was deeper involved, when it would hurt more. So I left so you couldn’t hurt me again.”

“I don’t hurt you intentionally.” It was the truth. I hated to hurt him. “I just need time, Alex. Not time away from you. Time with you, to adjust to everything.”

“I don’t know if we can survive time. All we do is fight. I set you off, you set me off. It can’t be good.”

“So you don’t even want to try?” I asked.

Alex looked at me then. His eyes were filled with sadness, but he wasn’t crying. “Do you?”

“Alex, I told you already I was in for whatever you could give me.”

“And if I never feel the same about you?” Alex asked.

I crawled over to him and put my head on his shoulder. It was awkward but I needed to touch. “You already do.”

“The floor is nice and all, but watch another movie with me?” Alex asked.

I shrugged, “I’d rather just go to sleep.”

“It’s still early.” Alex said. “Come on.” He stood up and helped me to my feet. Alex pulled me into his room and let go of my hand once he shut and locked the door behind me. “Let’s start over.”

“How, Alex? It’s not like you can’t just read me. You know everything about me.”

Alex grinned at me. “I won’t read you. I’ll pretend I can’t hear you, I’ll shield so you don’t have to. I know it hurts you. Tomorrow, I’ll take you out for breakfast, we’ll get in Serenity and drive. Just me and you. You have till after the 4th off right? Ant already promised he’d take Benji and his family home. Even giving them places to stay. He’s a hell of a friend to have.”

There were so many things to say about that little bit of Alex speak. My heart raced at the thought that he hadn’t really ignored me, but then why didn’t he answer me. But instead I focused on the part taht wouldn’t start as much of a fight. I didn’t want to rehash it all. So I asked about my boyfiend met my best friend without my knowledge. “How do you know Ant? I thought you hated him.”

Alex nodded. “I did until a few days ago. We ran into each other downstairs in the bar. He called me out on running away from you. Said he couldn’t believe he was right. Told me to leave you alone. And some how we got on the whole what happened 5 years ago. And he told me how it wasn’t your fault. He pushed his way past my shields and I felt more than I should have for him. I wanted a fucking vampire to bite me.” Alex shook his head as he sat down and pulled off his jeans.

I couldn’t help myself as I watched the reveal. He wasn’t doing it to be sexy, he was just getting comfortable. When my eyes finally reached his again he was smirking. “Even if I’m not in your head I know what you are thinking.”

“Really?” I asked.

“You are an open book Nox.”

“Yeah, I want you. Is that a problem.”

“Not at all.” Alex chuckled. “But we are starting over. And I’m not going to be just some guy you fuck and leave.”

“Never in a million years.” I said happily.

“Ant took me to a club. Apparently vampire clubs are a thing?” Alex looked at me questioningly and I shrugged and nodded. “So you’ve never been?”

“I didn’t say that. I know Johnny Rose – Il Cane’s only childe vampire runs a club catering to vampires and vampire group life style called letting. There are a few in New York. I expect they have them everywhere as it’s easier to feed that way. I’ve only ever willingly wanted to go to a place once in my life to be fed on anyway.”

“When was that?” Alex asked. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad.

“A few days after my birthday 5 years ago. I went to a frat part with my brother and Henry. And there was a vampire den nearby. I could feel their power and I wanted to drown myself in it. But Ant found me and that’s when he started kicking the shit out of me. Channeling that self hatred into physical survival.”

“Did he tell you why he came to you?”

“He said something about feeling my pain cause of our most recent feeding.”

“Has he mentioned it since?”

I shook my head, “No. I don’t think so. Why?”

Alex sighed. “I don’t know if wants me to tell you or not, but I can’t imagine he’d tell me if he didn’t already know I’d tell you. He knows how much you hate lies and secrets too. He says he’s your chevalier. I’m not exactly 100% what that means.”

“I’m not a vampire.” I exclaimed more out of shock than anger.

“He said it was the closest he could describe it. The night he fed on you, you shared blood and instead of him taking you, you took him.”

“Chevalier aren’t taken by mistake. Things have to be chanted I’ve asked many times.” I was confused.

I curled up next to Alex my head on his chest and my arm draped over his chest. He wrapped his arm around me held me close. “Alex?”

Alex hmmmed in response.

“I’m sorry I always disappear. I will do better.”

“Shhhh.” Alex mumbled as he pressed a kiss to my temple. “The movie’s starting.”

I quieted down and closed my eyes and listened to the sound of Alex’s heart. I focused on his breathing.

Alex watched the movie for serveral moments as I just lisened to him. “You really don’t want to watch this do you?”

“I’m here.” I said.

“That’s not what I asked you.”

“No. I just want to be here with you. I’ll watch if it makes you happy.”

Alex shook his head and sat up pushing the button on the remote and the TV turned off. “No, what do you want to do?”

I shrugged, “I just want to be here with you. At least for a little while.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Baby.” Alex said pulling me closer and pressing a kiss to my temple.

“I hated when you called me that as a kid.”

Alex smirked as he pressed another kiss to the same spot, “I remember. You always thought I was insulting you.”

“I wasn’t used to terms of endearment. The only names I had ever been called were to be mean to me.” I said with a shrug. “I learned a lot with you. Specially about how to love myself.”

“I’m sure you didn’t need help with that.” I looked up at him and he winked at me. “So what do you want to do, and don’t say sex cause I’m not sleeping with you on the frist date.”

“This is a date?” I asked.

“First one in Vegas.” Alex said. “So?”

I curled up next to Alex, “Watch your movie. I just want to listen to your breathe.”

Alex sighed and turned on the TV. “It’s like you’re watching me.”

“I like watching you.”

“I like watching you.” Alex quipped but he settled in and started the movie again. I could have fallen asleep. I almost did, but every time my breathing evened out and my mind went blank Alex shifted and asked. “Nox you still with me?” He knew I’d almost fell asleep but he didn’t want me too. The movie was almost over when his words dawned on me. He didn’t want to sleep with me. Panic rose inside but before it grew to a crescendo Alex was pressing a kiss to my lips. When we broke apart i was breathless and helpless in his arms. He whispered against my lips, “I was teasing.”

Which I knew. “I’m sorry,” I said. I wanted to talk about something else. Anything else besides me. And I knew Alex don’t want to talk about him so I head other questions. “Why does Benji have to pack?”

“He… ” Alex studdered a little. He didn’t want to tell me.

I interrupted before he could think of a reply, “It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business.” I said curling back up against Alex and closing my eyes as I pressed my head against Alex’s thigh. He stuck his fingers in my hair and grabbed a handful and pulled gently.

I moved in the direction he pulled and was looking at him when he gave me a week smile, “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s more how can I tell you. Benj got into a bit of a jam. He asked for help. But the only help I can think of is to get him someplace safe.”

“Sounds reasonable. But where is safe? What’s he ruining from?” I asked

Alex let off a nervous laugh. “New York was the safest place I could think of. I was gonna take him and his parents there.”

“So you were coming back?”

Alex looked away, “Just to take Benji to safety. I already asked Ant to watch out for them.”

“I see.” I hadn’t wanted to hear that apparently. My mind tumbled through why Ant and not me. And then it was clear Alex really hasn’t wanted to see me. “I’m ruining all your plans. ” I shifted away from Alex to climb out of bed but he trapped me against him. I added for clarity, ” I should go.”

Alex let me roll away from him. “Look Nox, this is all before you got here. So just sit down and listen.” I was already out of the bed and getting ready to stand but I sat back down. There was no command or manipulation just me wanting to make Alex happy. It’s all I wanted – Alex to be happy, and I didn’t seem to make him happy.

“That means your head too.” Alex growled.

My instinct was to pull my shields around me tight but I knew that would piss Alex off. The only other way would piss him off too. To not think – not feel – just be. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and relaxed. My shoulders fell away from my ears and my limbs got heavy while I waited. It wasn’t hard to fall into nothingness with Alex watching me, he’d keep me safe.

With my mind quiet and body waiting, I felt Alex shift so he could look at me, “What are you doing?”

I thought, didn’t speak, Don’t worry about it. I was angry he couldn’t have it both ways. He wanted quiet. Talk if you are going to talk. I thought at him again.

Alex sighed. “This is worse than before.” Alex got up from the bed and pushed the carts out the door before he looked at me again, I felt his eyes on me but I didn’t open mine. “I can’t do this like this. Look at me.”

My movements were slow but immediate. I opened my eyes and looked up at Alex. He was angry. “Benji needs to be kept safe. He’s an idiot and got on the bad side of a very poweerful vampire. I asked your friend to keep my friend safe. I was going to ask you when I got there. You are the fucking reason I’m taking Benji to New York. If anyone can keep him safe it’s you.”

At the outside edge of my bubble of emotions I felt the rejection, the pain of Alex’s words. I was good enough for his friend but not good enough to love. But it rolled off me like nothing. I just looked at Alex and kept my mind clear. He wanted quiet.

Alex stood there staring at me his hand jammed in his hair in fustration. “Fucking talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say, Alex?”

“I don’t know there’s nothing in your head. What are you thinking? Please just stop whatever you’re doing it’s worse than the self defacing litany in your head.”

“I’m good enough to protect your friend but not good enough for you to love. That’s whats on my mind. You can’t have me quiet and my thoughts at the same time. You are the one in my fucking head.” I had started out as if I had been talking to my dom, my top, my master, but Alex was not that, and my anger rose quickly as I told him what I thought. The emotions broke through and I felt it all again. His rejection stung. “But that’s all about me. So I shouldn’t feel it. I shouldn’t be selfish. I’m glad you feel your friend is safe under my protection. I will do everything in my power to keep him safe. Can I go now?”

Alex stepped aside, “Be my guest.”

I stood there staring at the curtained window and I knew my world was crashing in around me and I tried not to let it show. I could do this. I didn’t need to make this about me.

The bed creaked behind me and Alex sighed as he fell against the bed, but all I heard was the bouncing springs. “Fuck me Pretty boy. You dumped a lot of sh… stuff at my feet.”

I interrupted quickly. “I’ll just go.” I said turning around and looking at Alex staring at the ceiling his feet flat on the floor and his t-shirt riding up just enough to see a small slip of his skin. He was mouth watering and I took my last look and started for the door.

I wasn’t to the other side of the bed when Alex continued, “You can go if you want to, but don’t go because you think I want you to. It’s jAust a lot Nox. You want to lay it all out. Fine.”

I turned around to see Alex with his eyes closed and his hands pressed against his face, his fingers gripping his hair in fustration. “5 years ago. No wait, before that. Let me start before that. I had a best friend too. I could tell him everything and anything and he never judged me. I told him about my Mom. And I even told him about Kate. I kissed him. I loved him too, in a sort of weird way. But he didn’t know me. He thought I was just a dream, and I liked it that way. He was never going to betray me or leave me because he left me every night, and every day he saw me fresh and new and like I was the best thing since sliced bread.”

I interrupted again. “He still thinks that.” I grinned at Alex as he looked up at me, tilting his head and lifting his hands from his face so he could see me. He mocked glared at me and I mimicked zipping my lips and throwing away the key. He rolled his eyes and sat up, rolled over and was facing me with grace I hadn’t known Alex to posess.

“And then 5 years ago my Dad came to me in a dream. He’s been dead, but he looked exactly like the picture my Mom had of him, and the same leather jacket I’d been wearing that same day. He told me about his journal and it was right where he said he was. It was all about how he was drawn into a dream night after night. And how he fell in love with this girl. And he eventually found her, and married her and they were happy. He told me in that dream that it would help me in my time of need. And that’s when I started trying to make you remember. Waking you up before the dream took you away from me. It worked, until it didn’t.”

“I never forgot you again Alex.”

“You did. I used the fact that you didn’t remember me on occassion. When we’d have a fight. I’d let the black blur take you away so you’d forget. I didn’t like you being angry with me or knowing that I was angry with you. You were always so glad to see me. That’s all I ever wanted from you. And then I got that job. I knew I should say no, but the price was too good to pass up. So I tortured myself pretending to like you. Which wasn’t that hard because you know fucking well how I feel about you. I did the job, Nox. But I remembered all the things I enjoyed. All the things I wanted from 5 years ago. And I got to see the real you. The one that I never really got to see in the dream. I’m afraid of him. Not because he’s Venatori. But because he’s so broken. And all I do is make it worse.”

“You don’t Alex.” I sat down on the bed and we were so close. “You don’t make it worse. I’m better. I swear. Yeah I’m a mess around you but not because I’m worse. That’s the change. Having someone else in my life. You came at a bad time. In the middle of a stressful case. You just disrupted everything. I just need time to adjust.”

“How much time are we talking?” Alex asked, shifting closer to me.

I shrugged, “Sa much time as I need. I don’t know. Drake is coming to live with me in my new apartment soon. I’m sure there is a couple of weeks to adjust to all that.”

“So everytime something changes you need to adjust?”

“You do too. For me it’s just different. I don’t react well to change. It stresses me out. I need time to adjust my mental self to the physical world. Only big changes but cummuliative little ones add up over time.”

Alex leaned in and whispered, “Noted,” then pressed a soft kiss to my lips. I let out a small moan and Alex chuckled. “Do you want to watch another movie with me?”

“I’d rather just go to bed.” I smirked.

“Plenty of time for that Pretty boy.” He said pulling me up towards the top of the bed. “I need time for this meal to digest. I ate too much.” Alex patted his belly, “Not quite as good as your food, but passable.”

The food was pretty good for coming from room service. Alex was busy watching the movie. He wasn’t paying me any attention except a casual glance at me to make sure I wasn’t freaking out. I felt a comforting aura in my mind, like he was trying to calm me down in other ways without being obvious about it. But it wasn’t a nudge, or manipulative, more like a hug since I was pretty sure I’d push him away if he tried to put his arm around me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to touch me because fuck I did. But if he touched me I’d fall into tears again. And I was doing my best not to. I was thankful I’d washed all the eyeliner off in the bathroom, there was no more mess to be made.

Our plates were empty by the time the end credits started rolling. Alex stood up groaning and stretching. “You know the bed or chairs would have been more comfortable.”

He squatted down and grabbed my plate and his and put them on the carts. He glanced at me from across the room. “You feeling any better?”

I shook my head. “Why am I here?”

Alex smirked, “I asked you that earlier. You said I wasn’t returning your texts or calls. Has that changed?” I was glad Alex was finding the humor in the situation. It made me smile. His smirk turned into a genuine smile, “You are here because I asked you to come here. You stayed..” Alex looked at me and nodded to himself, “You stayed because you wanted me in your life and you don’t care how that translate.” Alex chuckled, “Which is such an ego killer. If I were you, and I wanted me, I would want all of me, in every possible way. I mean, who wouldn’t?”

“Your ego is showing.” I grinned at him. I stood up and from the way Alex’s eyes watched me I knew he was impressed. “I’m not okay, Alex. I’m never going to be okay. But I’m better with you.” I walked over to him and ran my fingers down the side of his jaw bitting my bottom lip. “And you are right. I want you in every possible way, but I will take anything you are willing to give me. I don’t care if you don’t love me like I love you, or even if you don’t want more than just sex. I just want to be with you.”

Alex shook his head and took a step away from me, “Why would you settle?”

“I’m not Alex. I’m not settling. I was 13 when I kissed my first boy.” Alex frowned. “And I only kissed him because you gave me the courage in my dreams to beleive I was worth it. I only wish my sex life had stayed healthy because of you instead of the path it took. Alex, with you I’m better. I don’t need all that other stuff I needed before. We fight, but… I don’t care. I’ll change. I’ll adapt, I can be what you want. I just need you to tell me – to talk to me.”

“Why? Nox, why would you change for me? I can’t change for you.”

“Because that’s what I do. I don’t care what people think of me – except for those I care about. Change doesn’t come easy to me, but I can change. You just have to give me time and the space needed to do it.”

“You can’t change for everyone.” Alex argued.

“But I can change for you. I have changed for you. You hated that I jumped from buildings, so I stopped. You hate when I come to you impared – drunk or high. You never said anything but I saw the disappointment in your face. And when I realized you cared for me even then I stopped – for you. To make you happy. Even after I didn’t come to you and I had sent Jace to you and he fucked up our lives, even then I still changed for you. I was a mess, but I didn’t go back to my old ways of fucking every girl I wanted. I didn’t go to the gay bars to get pounded by guys who didn’t want me. I fucking tried to have a real relationship. The guy was an asshole to me, but that didn’t matter at the time. No one is ever going to compare to you. Real or imagined. And I’m sorry I’m freaking you out. Telling you all this. But I’d rather you know how I feel and leave me now then for you to leave me later when I can’t survive without you. At least now it won’t be as hard. It won’t be easy but I’ll manage. I’m not so addicted to you that I can’t pick up the peices one last time. In a few months, when you get tired of me. I might not survive it. But don’t stay with me because of it. Don’t be that guy, the one who sacarfices his happiness for me.”

“Why shouldn’t I? You are doing it.” Alex challenged me.

“I’m not sacraficing anything for you Alex. But I would, I mean I’d give everything up for you. I’d be human for you. I’d be lost at first, I’ve never not been Venatori. I’ve been here since I was 5. I don’t know the basics of living like you. Paying bills, getting a job. What the fuck would I do? But I’d do it for you. All you have to do is ask. Tell me it’ll be worth it and I’ll do anything for you Alex.”

I walked away from Alex, he was still two steps back out of reach. I stopped at the closed window and imagined the world below. The tiny people, their lives, how happy they were. How much different their lives were from mine. “I know I’m a lot to deal with Alex. And I really do understand if you want to walk away from it. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t tell you all this. But like I said. I talk a lot. I just wanted it all out there. You can tell me to get out, and you won’t hear from me again.” And I waited for him to say something – anything.

I stayed in the bathroom long enough for Alex to come to the door. “Everything alright?”

I sighed and stood up straight turning off the water and wiping my hands off on the plush white towel. I grabbed the paper towels I’d used to clean the eyeliner dredges off my face and crumpled them in my hand as I reached for the door.

Alex stood in front of the door leaning on the door frame blocking my exit. I gave him a weak smile, “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded, my ‘I’m okay’ came out weak and shy. I tried to stare into his eyes but I’d broken my own promise to myself and my gaze dropped to the ground. Alex’s fingers brushed my jaw line and he leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to my lips. The tears started falling again as his lips touched mine and I tried not to tremble at his touch. “Fuck Nox.” His hand gripped the back of my neck and he pulled me against him.

He felt sorry for me. I pulled away from him and grabbed the plate and sat down at the table across the room by the window. Alex stood staring at me with a frown. Benji stood up abruptly. “I’m going to go. I have packing to do. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Benji made it to the door before turning around and looked at me as I lifted my fork to my mouth, “Don’t let him push you around.” He grinned at Alex, “And give him a break, he flew all this way for you.” And with those parting words Benji was off out the door leaving Alex and myself staring after him.

“For the record,” Alex said as he sat down across from me on the bed, “I wasn’t pitying you.” Alex jammed his fingers through his bleach blonde strands. “I don’t like seeing you hurting.” He said looking away, trying to be discrete about it all. I was frustrating him. And I never wanted to make… “Fuck, Nox stop alright. Just fucking stop. Stop bashing yourself. You… I can’t listen to it.”

I set the plate on the table and stood up, “So get out of my head.” I started to walk away but Alex was in front of me in all his icey defiance. His eyes were ablaze with anger.

“I will not. And won’t let you talk about yourself like that. No one gets to hurt you, not even you.” Alex growled at me.

“You hurt me.”

His defiance deflated and he stepped aside. “I don’t mean to.”

“Alex, this is me. I’m a fucked up mess. My life is scheduled. My food is the same, I see a therapist weekly. I talk – a lot. I am nothing but a mess and if that makes me selfish then I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m a selfish bastard and I want to stay healthy I don’t want to feel so hurt I get drunk or high just to make it go away. I’m sorry if I don’t want to fuck a willing girl’s brains out because I can’t cope with my fucking life any other way. My schedule and my life is set up so I can be as normal as I can. So what’s in my head doesn’t fuck me up worse.”

I sank to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest and pressed my forehead into them. I sat that way for several moments before I added, “I was willing to fight myself to be what you needed. To find me in you. To be the guy you had in those dreams. But if you stay in my head I can’t give you that allusion. I’m not happy-go-lucky. I’m not that fake smile. But fuck, if you didn’t make me really smile I’d have lost it a long time ago. I know that. I’ve seen it. I didn’t know your name, I didn’t even know what you looked like. But I knew it was you in every dream. I lived to see you another day. The boy in my dream. My best friend. The love of my fucking life. And I couldn’t even remember him.”

Even as I rambled on I was afraid of what Alex was thinking. I was being selfish. I was crying again for attention. I did this so it was all about me. When all I wanted was to be with him. I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted Alex in my life. I didn’t care if he didn’t love me, or if he found me repulsive unworthy of love. I didn’t care. I just needed him, like I needed air to breathe.

Alex never moved from the side of the bed, he just sat and listened to me go on and on about me. I went round and round and round and Alex just sat there. When he finally moved he stepped over to the table picked up my plate and sat it down next to me, “Eat.” He said simply. I picked up the plate. I was still hungry.

Alex hadn’t waited for me to follow his instructions, he just walked away and started making his own plate and flipped on the TV as he passed it.

The remote control in his hand was pointed at the curtains and they closed slowly making the room dark. The lights came up a little and the TV started playing the opening credits of a movie.

He moved around the room slowly and poured a glass of wine and looked at me askance. I shook my head. He poured me a glass of water and set it down next to me on the floor.

I half expected Alex to sit at the table or climb in bed to eat, but instead he sat down next to me so he could see me and the TV at the same time and started eating. Nothing else was said for the next two hours.

Alex stood behind me. I could hear him breathing as I left. I was breaking inside. The pain, the anger, the loss all of it was tumbling around. I tried to slam the stair well door but it closed with a soft snick behind me. I didn’t make it much further before I let my shield go. It hurt, and I broke into a thousand pieces as I fell against the wall in tears.

Broken, alone in a cold dimly lit stair well I curled up in the corner and lost every shred of dignity I had left. There was nothing but pain and anguish tearing through my soul – shards of glass ripping it to shreds. My world crumbled just like it had the last time I’d thought it was over with Alex.

The door opened but I didn’t look up. I didn’t care who saw me. Though I knew it was Alex without even looking. I knew the sound of his breath, the way he smelled slightly of citrus and fresh soap. I knew him. I fucking knew him.

He stood there staring above me, he didn’t say anything. And I didn’t move. The only thing I heard was his breath and my heart beating a mile a minute. Alex broke the silence, “Ant said you’d break into a million pieces. I didn’t believe him.”

My brain raced, how did Ant speak to Alex? When? Where? What?

Alex answered my thoughts out loud, “I ran into him in the bar. He and I had a talk. About you. And what happened 5 years ago. Did he tell you I was here?”

I shook my head. I had already told him how I got here. I wasn’t going to repeat myself.

Alex chuckled. “You are that mad at me, you can’t even talk to me?”

I shook my head again. I wasn’t mad at him. Not really. Mad at myself really. I was a fool to fucking love a con man. Funny thing was that I didn’t care about what he did to other people. But I didn’t like being played. And I fell so hard for it, for him. I was so naive with my heart. This is why I never let anyone in.

Alex sighed. “Nox…”

He sighed again when I didn’t respond to my name, “Come on pretty boy.”

Alex growled when I didn’t respond again, and then let out a long deep breath. “Fine, Baby, when you are ready, come eat, I’ll order you some food you’ll eat, and you, me and Benji will watch a movie and maybe then you’ll talk to me. When you are ready Pretty boy, please come to my room.”

The door opened and Alex slipped out and the tears tumbled down my cheeks again.

I don’t know how long I sat there curled up in a ball in the corner of a fancy hotel in Vegas before I calmed down enough that the tears stopped flowing. My mind had gone blank. The only thing I felt was numb. I’d come all this way to see Alex, and when I did I broke. All we did was fight, yet the only thing I wanted was to see him still.

It took all the energy I had to pull myself up off the floor and out of the stair well. I knew that I had to look a sight. My face had to laced with black tear streaks and my eyes puffy and red. But I didn’t care. I’d been worse, looked worse and what did I care what anyone saw in me.

I knocked on Alex’s door and then stepped off to the side and leaned against the wall my head pressed hard into the golden wallpaper while I waited for the door to open.

I heard Benji’s voice in a hushed whisper, “I can leave if you want me to.”

Alex didn’t say anything, out loud so I assumed he shook his head before Benji responded, “You sure? I don’t mind. He sounds like he could use some alone time.”

Alex chuckled softly as he opened the door. “That’s why you need to stay.” Alex looked up the other end of the hall and then back towards me. “Come on in, Pretty boy.” He took my hand and pulled me in after him. I entwined my fingers with his and Alex relaxed.

There were two carts in the room covered in white linen and silver trays, one was uncovered and pizza slices, burgers and fries were strewn about it like there were more than two people here. The second cart was still covered and I felt a wave of nausea pass over me. “Can I use your bathroom?”

Alex looked at me with concern and then nodded in the direction we’d just come. “You okay?”

I nodded. “I’ll be fine. I just need to clean up a little.”

Alex smirked, “You are fine pretty boy.”

“Please?” I begged.

Alex’s smirk deflated and he nodded, “Yeah, sure. Make yourself at home.” He said as he took the lid off the trays that were still covered revealing a healthy pile of sauted vegetables, chicken in a sauce and a green salad. I gave Alex a weak grin, “Thanks. I won’t be long.”

I squeezed Alex’s hand before I let go and went into the bathroom to close the door. Benji sighed, “He looks like shit. You sure you want me to stay?”

“If you keep asking I’m going to kick you out.” Alex said. “We do as we planned – watch the movie then you can go home to pack. We leave in the morning.”

I turned on the water and wondered why they had to leave in the morning. But I let it go as I focused on the running water, on washing my face, on the feeling of the cold water to make me whole again. I had promised myself I wouldn’t break down in front of Alex again, and here I was – a mess in his bathroom – again.

I had thought as I wandered around Vegas for a few hours that I had decided I wouldn’t stop by for the dinner invite. And while I hadn’t actually wanted to leave without seeing Alex again, every time I thought I caught a glimpse of him he was blonde and distracted and I could only feel rejected. Like he’d already moved on – changed his appearance so that he wasn’t the guy I wanted anymore. I didn’t know what Alex wanted.

So when I found myself in the lobby of his hotel around 6 I wasn’t surprised my own feet had betrayed me. I mean I knew where Alex was, where he would be and at what time. I should have just hopped the plane and gone home, but I couldn’t do that either, my whole body was sore from the flight in. And I hadn’t eaten anything since I arrived.

My stomach rumbled as I walked the stairs slowly – one step at a time through the empty echoing stair well. It reverberated in my soul with each step. I just wanted it over. I just wanted to see him one last time to tell him to fuck off and then I could go.

By the time I reached Alex’s floor my stomach was rumbling and my mind was reeling with rejection. I wanted to just go home. I wanted to…

I opened the landing door and there was a loud crash as a food cart slammed into the door. I growled, poor fucking design or a very inattentive service person. But I rushed around the door and found the man only a little disheveled and the cart of food still upright. I could smell all the fried food and my stomach rolled on top of it’s already hungry feeling it wasn’t pleasant. “Sorry.” I said as I made sure everything was right.

He shook his head. “Why are you using the stairs? The elevators aren’t broken.”

I shrugged. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” I said walking away from him.

“Rude much!” The man called after me and I rolled my eyes.

He went the opposite direction and when I glanced at the numbers on the doors the way I was going I found myself going the wrong way and I turned around. I found myself stopping a few doors down from where the man was knocking on a door – on Alex’s door. Fuck!

I walked up and stood behind the cart and the boy who was pushing it. He looked back at me, “What the fuck do you want asshole?”

“I’m just waiting my turn.” I said as the door opened and a pretty boy answered the door.

My heart sank, even as I recognized tips from the bar. Alex’s friend was dressed in a pair of nice jeans and a t-shirt and a smile was plastered to his face as he handed the server a tip. “I got this.” But he wasn’t looking at the man but past him at me.

“What?” I asked.

He shook his head, “Nothing. I’m glad you are here.”

“You’re glad who’s here?” Alex growled from inside the doorway. A towel draped over his head as he dried bleached blonde hair. He wasn’t looking just listening and I pulled my shields around me tightly. Alex…

His head snapped up and the towel was yanked from his head and he stared across the hallway over the cart of food and the server who still was trying to push the cart in despite Benji’s protests. Our eyes met briefly before I dropped my gaze to the floor. He was angry and I didn’t like seeing the fury in his eyes.

I heard Alex growl and the man in front of me yelped. I saw Alex standing a few steps away from me, but I didn’t look up. “Here. Go now. We got this.” Benji wheeled the cart inside and shut the door behind him leaving Alex standing in front of me in the hall.

“Why are you here?” Alex growled.

I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes and couldn’t do it anymore. I shook my head. “Fuck Nox! Why are you shielding so hard?”

I just shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to do this now. I didn’t.

Alex yelled, “Nox!” My eyes snapped up to meet his.

“You weren’t answering my texts or calling me back.” I said flatly.

“That was sort of the point. You walked away. You disappeared. You left me.”

“I…I…”

Alex laughed, “Yeah, you, you, you. You left and you just did it again. Pulled your shields up so fucking tight I know it’s hurting you inside. Why are you here?”

I was at a complete loss of words. He blamed me. I had walked away. I didn’t know how I disappeared. But the memories were there, every one I’d found had me whisked away in a blur to my nightmare. Leaving Alex seemed to be my thing.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I should go. I should leave. I should go home and let Alex live his life. I shook my head and stood up straighter before I looked Alex in his eyes – his fucking gorgeous blue eyes. “I shouldn’t have come. I should have just let you go like they said. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

Alex started laughing hard. It wasn’t a funny haha type laugh was more like he couldn’t believe I was seriously going to walk away. “Really? You came all this way and now you can’t even talk to me? All you fucking do is talk, and now, when it matters you can’t talk.” Alex let out another curt laugh, “So fucking classic.”

I frowned. “What do you care? You ran away. I thought we were going to try and you fucking ran away to another fucking city. Didn’t even have the decency to tell me to fuck off.”

Alex started to open his mouth and I glared at him, “I’m not done.” An angry smirk crossed his lips and I kept going. “You want to know why I came. I came because Sage found you. My brothers bought me tickets to come see you. And they all want me to tell you to fuck off in person. End whatever we had for good – a solid closure.” I watched as the emotions played across his eyes, though I really couldn’t tell what he was feeling. And I knew he couldn’t hear me. I felt the pain of everything being kept inside, like a thousand tiny needles pricking at my skin just not strong enough to push through, but trying so very hard to do so.

“But you know why I came, why I let them push me in this direction. Cause the only thing I wanted to do was see you again. To tell you I was trying. That I remembered you. That I fucking loved you since I was a boy. You were my first everything. And I wanted it to be my last everything.” I shrugged. “But I get here and you’ve moved on. Have a new name, a new look, a new pretty boy to spend your time with. So what the fuck am I? Just another pawn in your game. A fucking mark. So go to hell Alex.” I said and I turned to walk away dodging his attempt at grabbing my arm. I got two steps before turning back around. “And just so we are clear. It’s over. I’m done. Go fuck yourself.”

This time I turned and left. Really left.

Benji

When we were outside and several blocks away from the strip before Benji opened a door to a building in the side of some diner. It smelled like the kitchen was nearby cooking some kind of Asian food. “Korean” He said without me having to ask.

“You know that’s as weird as when he does that,” I said.

Benji shook his head. “Sorry. I forget that you weren’t asking out loud.”

I shrugged, “I’m used to it.”

Benji lead me down a narrow hallway into a smaller room with a rod-iron bed frame and a plain blue mattress with a desk and a chair the only other furniture. He offered me the bed and pulled around the chair to face it. “This is a safe place to speak. Vampires don’t come into this part of town.”

“Vampires? You know about vampires?” I asked in shock that he would one know but more importantly he’d say it so casually.

He gave me a slow cautious nod before he added “Only recently. Well I never gave it much thought before, but yeah. We know vamps can do what we do. It’s why we stay away from them. But Alex is working a job around vamps and they can’t know his name, or that he’s friends with me. So no Alex anything. You don’t know me either.”

“Another reason I should just go.” I said but I didn’t get up. Vampires, friends I had never heard about, why I wasn’t supposed to know these things – all valid reasons to stay I told myself.

Benji chuckled. “Alex and I met after his mother died. We were working the same crowd and ran into each other in the stupidest ways – telepathically listening to each other and holding a conversation we didn’t mean to have from across the room.”

“Alex doesn’t do anything by accident.” I said.

“That’s true, but I like I said, we met each other by accident. Working the same crowd in my game and we decided to team up.”

“And you’ve never slept with him?” I asked.

Benji smirked, “He’d probably have liked that if I liked boys.”

I licked my lips and tried not to say anything. “I can read your thoughts you might as well say it.”

I shrugged, “Why do I have to say it if you can read my thoughts.” And I let my thoughts wander to all the best parts of Alex and how he might fit with Benji. It wasn’t exactly a fantasy I’d entertain more than once, but it had the desired affect on Benji. He was red even through that dark olive skin of his. I smiled.

“You two are perfect for each other.”

“Tell him that,” I growled.

“I have, actually. He refuses to read your texts. I will admit that is one damn cute kid you got there.”

“Not mine yet, but soon,” I said.

“And the little girl?”

I looked at him a little confused. Benji nodded, “Your friend posted a picture with you and her daughter.”

“That would be Mia. And my sweetheart Naya.”

“She’s cute too.” Benji said.

I nodded, “She is. Best thing that happened to Mia was being a mother.”

“Alex is not himself right now. He’s going crazy over you and he’s trying to forget you.”

“All the more reason for me to leave, Benji.” This time I did stand up.

“Nox, come on. You flew all this way out here. You don’t even want to tell him off yourself. Don’t be a dick like Alex. You’re here. If it’s over at least end it right.” He smirked, “But I think if the two of you get in the same room you’ll work it out.”

“All we do is fight.”

Benji laughed, “That’s all Alex ever does; fight – or run away. Looks like he’s doing both now at the same time now.” He looked at me and frowned. “Why did you come here?”

“I was worried about him. He wasn’t replying to anything. He wasn’t at his apartment – either of them. He wasn’t even telling me to leave him the fuck alone.”

“We have dinner tonight. Me and him in his room. Let me take you there, you can shower, change and then you and he can sit down and talk.”

“I have nothing to change into, this is what I have,” I said. “I’m going to catch the next flight out. He obviously doesn’t want me.”

“No.” Benji stood up and got in my face. “You will not go anywhere. I can make you stay.”

I sighed, “That’s exactly how this fight started, Alex nudging me into doing something that I knew I shouldn’t do to keep my sanity.” I stepped away from him. “You touch me and you’ll find yourself on the floor in a heartbeat.”

Benji sighed as he backed away. “Alright. I won’t do that. But talk to him.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “What time is dinner?”

“We are doing it at 6 local time. That’s in three hours.”

I nodded. “Alright. Plan your usual. I’ll decide if I want to be there.” I didn’t wait for a confirmation. I just left Benji the same way I came in.

Jimmy

My thoughts drifted to Alex the whole flight. I was hard and wanton by the time we landed and the woman next to me hurried off the plane as quickly as she could. As much as I wanted off the plane, I decided to wait until everyone cleared out. It was better for me. Even though the plane was getting claustrophobic and I was having a hard time breathing.

One of the male attendants was making sure no one left anything on the plane or sleeping still in their seats when I stood up to get out of the plane. He looked down at me and chuckled, “I was wondering why she glared at you so.”

“Dreams.” I smirked, “What can I say? They were sexy.”

“I hope he’s worth it.” He said with a smile, “If not I’ll be in town until the morning.”

I looked at his nameplate, “Alejandro.” I smiled, “Thanks, but I think if he throws me out I’ll be leaving tonight.”

Alejandro laughed, “Offer still stands.” He gave me the once over and I gave him a parting smile as I headed out the door. I could feel the other man’s eyes on my back and knew I could hear him whispering to the other flight attendant, “My he’s yummy.”

They giggled and I pretended I hadn’t heard them as I headed out of the terminal. The heat was dry and I felt warm in my hoodie, but I didn’t take it off even after I’d stepped outside into the evening sun. It was a five hour flight, but my phone told me it was only three hours later. Time zones… I sighed as I texted Sage.

N: I’ve landed. Hotel and room?

Sage texted me back immediately with the Bellagio hotel and a room number. He also texted me a name it was under – James Hutton.

I wondered how many alias’ Alex had. And I wondered what sort of business he actually did. Not that it mattered really, but aliases implied illegal activity. And cons weren’t ususally legal. Last thing Alex needed was me meddling in some plot of his. I didn’t believe Janice was a friend. And I didn’t think Alex floated in her circles, but I could be wrong. So totally and utterly wrong, but I knew Alex. Even when I didn’t know know him, I knew him. I’d been in love with a dream since I was 13. He was the one who gave me the courage to kiss Dylan. He was the one, he’d always been that. But he’d been a dream. And one I didn’t remember.

A cab to the hotel was easy to come by. I felt out of place in this city, though I looked no different than any of the others, but it was still that strange feeling like I didn’t belong.

I could wait in the lobby for Alex. I could ask at the front desk. I could go up and wait outside his room. But instead I went into the bar. It was busy for the time of day. But this was Vegas and there were a lot of vacationers here too, a lot like New York. Two men were at the bar, both about six foot, one had the tips of his hair dyed blond and the other was a bleach blonde. I sat down three seats from them and tried not to listen to their conversation.

“So what did you overhear Toto?” I recognized that voice and looked just in time to see the blonde’s hand raking down the cheek of the blonde tips. Obviously not his name, a nickname. Alex liked nicknames. Alex, the blond who’d spoken earlier looked at his watch and sighed, “I have that game now. I’ll see you later.” He winked and headed for the door without even glancing in my direction.

I wondered if Alex heard my thoughts, fuck I wondered if he even noticed me at all sitting here staring at him and his fucking blonde hair. I watched him him leave dressed in a suit and tie that looked very expensive. I shouldn’t have come here.

“Sure you should have.” Tips said sitting down next to me. “He’s in denial, if he didn’t hear you it’s because he’s trying so hard to forget you.”

“What?” I said turning to look at him. Tips waved his hand and an Irish Red appeared in front of me from the bartenders hands.

“Your drink of choice?”

I took it and nodded. He was reading my mind that was painfully obvious.

“You are a smart man as well as hot, no wonder he’s trying to forget you.” He laughed. “Too much work.”

I was about to ask who the fuck he was, but he spoke before I even got the first sound out. “I’m Benji. I’m sure Jimmy has never mentioned me before. Jimmy has an appointment why don’t I entertain you for a little while. Tell you all about Jimmy and me and what we got into.”

“I was just leaving.” I said.

“You came all this way and now you want to leave?”

“He obviously has moved on.” I said looking Benji up and down. He was perfectly dressed in his own tailored suit, his hair was perfect, he was a pretty boy. Alex didn’t need me. A hand on my elbow pulled me from my seat and I was following after Benji.

“Come on. Let me take you someplace we can talk.”

I stopped, dug in my heels and stopped our forward momentum and Benji yanked at my elbow until he realized I wasn’t moving. “I don’t know you.” I said angrily.

“I know you, Nox fucking Sétanta aught to be your full name.”

I smirked as I heard Alex saying that to Benji. Benji chuckled, “Fuck he was right about you. Come on let me explain, just someplace else.”

I sighed and nodded. With my ascent Benji dragged me out of the hotel and we walked.

Panic Attack

I didn’t have time to stop by the apartment and grab anything. Sage sent me a text.

S: Good luck, babe. I hope you rip him a new one.

I really didn’t know why they kept thinking I was going to be mad at him. I just wanted to know for real. What this was? I thought he wanted more. I’d been torturing myself looking for missing dreams and he left. Why was I even going? And flying? What the fuck!

But even my dreary thoughts didn’t turn me from hailing a cab. It didn’t stop me from standing in line at the front desk checking my non-existent bags. I walked through security and to my terminal. It didn’t stop me from sitting down and closing my eyes to rest while I waited. The last flight I took I met Henry, and I dreamt of Alex before I knew his name. I don’t know how I remembered that but I do now. Like sitting here reminded me of that dream.

I could feel my heart racing and my skin getting slick with sweat. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait long before my seats were called. I hated the back of the plane but you take what you can get on short notice. Boarding was easy and unfortunately I had a window seat. Fuck! Just what I needed.

I pulled the window shade down, buckled up and pressed my back into the back of the chair gripped the arms and closed my eyes. I was so in the middle of a panic attack. I was grateful that I had a pair of earbuds on me at all times at least when the plane got in the air I could listen to my music. Or music of some sort.

I should nap, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest as the gray haired woman and a young child sat down next to me. The kid couldn’t be more than three and I was going to go crazy if the kid whined the whole time. Fuck!

The woman looked at me, “You okay honey?”

I nodded, “I don’t like flying.”

She patted my hand. “It’s safer than driving.”

I laughed. “I don’t like driving.”

She paled a little at my sarcasm. I knew logically I’d be fine. But my childhood trauma had only made this worse. My fear of heights was only enhanced by sitting by the window. My heart pounded in my chest. It took forever for the plane to load and the airline attendants to do their thing as we taxied down the strip to get ready for our flight.

The child next to me yammered on. I was grateful his grandmother was sitting between us but I couldn’t wait for my music to be the only sound I heard. Fuck!

We started moving faster and tilting up and I squished my eyes closed as I tried to keep my breathing even. The kid next to me screamed as his ears built up pressure and he didn’t know how to react. My body tensed and I had a death grip on the arm rests. The woman next to me didn’t know what to do, between me and the screaming child.

The child eventually stopped as his ears equalized and I relaxed when the ding that signaled we could use our electronics was sounded. I quickly pulled my earbuds out of my pocket and plugged it in and set the music to as loud as it would go. I didn’t care what I listened to as long as I could drown in it and feel nothing else.

I listened to something loud and heavy. It was not a usual playlist – more like one I played when I needed to focus on something other than my life. Or the moment. It wasn’t the music I listened to. Sage would have been proud. Only dancing you could do on this playlist was in a mosh pit.

The lady next to me tapped my hand and I turned to look at her pulling out an ear bud. “Can you turn that down?”

“No.” I said then stuck it back in my ear, pulled my hood up over my head and pretended I didn’t exist in this world. And I didn’t. I drifted into my subconscious reliving all the memories of Alex. It wasn’t sleep I sought, it was the comfort of my blue-eyed boy who had gotten me through my suicidal days. The fear was raging through my blood again. I found him in the memories. Found him where I was in a corner floating on nepenthe – the only drug that actually worked on my depression for short periods of time but it was highly illegal and selling it to me being half human carried a steep penalty. It drove full grown human’s mad.

Alex knelt in front of me and frowned, “You are always like this around my birthday. You should be happy, it was the month I was born.”

It elicited a smile from my lips but I confessed, “I didn’t know if you were coming.”

Alex shrugged and pressed a kiss to my lips. My fingers snaked around his neck and into his hair. He grabbed my hands and pinned them to the wall above my head with a smile. “I don’t trust you like this not to hurt me. No touching.”

“I’d never hurt you.” I said in the dream and in the memory I agreed with him out loud. I would never hurt Alex, not on purpose and I tried hard as hell never to do it on accident. But I knew I would do that. Not mean to hurt him, physically or emotionally, but it was bound to happen.

Alex just chuckled as he pinned my hands above my head and we shifted to a bed in the blink of an eye. Alex was above me kissing, biting and sucking at my neck leaving a large purple mark on my neck. I felt the pull of emotion of the dream. Felt his lips on me. I wanted nothing more than to give Alex everything he wanted, and even my young self gave him what he wanted. Alex bitched about my submission but he loved it as long as it never got in the way of what he wanted.

I sighed and opened my eyes. I shifted uncomfortably and the woman next to me just glared at me. Her eyes glanced down to my pants and I knew fully well why, but I didn’t care as she stared at my tightening jeans. She couldn’t leave the seat either. She shook her head and mumbled, “Pervert!” And I couldn’t help but chuckle. Alex would have provoked me further if he’d known. And I would have tried to remain quiet. If only he were here…

Lunch with Family

Marco had us sitting in a corner away from everyone else and there were no menus brought to us only a glass of water and whatever else the boys wanted to drink. Matt looked at Laker and frowned. I interrupted, “We know the chef. He’ll make us something special. Are you allergic to anything?” I asked.

“Shell fish.”

Rider laughed, “Us too. Anything else?”

Matt shook his head. “No, don’t think so. You all are allergic to shell fish?”

“Mom was and we got it from her.” Laker said.

“I guess that makes it easy then.”

Rider shrugged, “We eat a lot of chicken while we are here in New York. I think the only time we get pasta is when we come here.”

“That has to get boring” Matt said as the waitress came by and set down a basket of bread with garlic flavored oil with other herbs and an antipasto dish that I loved.

She smiled at me, “The chef asks if there are any new allergies.”

I shook my head, “Same as usual. The boys want pasta though.”

She giggled, “He said you’d say that. And you?”

“He knows what I like.”

She nodded, “I’ll tell him so, sir. I hope you have a great meal.”

Rider laughed, “I’m sure we will.”

Lunch went as well as to be expected. Laker and Rider went on and on about the Rockies. And Matt listened politely. I got to listen to my brothers and their midwestern non-accented voices picking up the New York ticks. I hadn’t paid much mind to it before but there was a definite contrast to how Matt and I spoke to my brothers and they were picking up the same lit to their voices even being for only a week or so.

My phone chirped and I glanced at the message. “It’s Sage I’ll be back in a minute.”

Rider laughed, “Don’t leave me with these two.”

I gave him a wry smile and shrugged. “Sorry.” I was dialing Sage’s number as I headed outside to take the call. It wasn’t much quieter outside but at least I wouldn’t be disrupting someone else’s dinner.

“You got a location?” I asked Sage when he picked up.

“I do” he said. “He wasn’t hard to find. But you aren’t going to like it.”

“Where is he?” I asked, “As long as he’s not dead I think I can deal with it.”

Sage sighed. “He’s in Vegas.”

“What?” I asked.

“His phone is in Vegas. His secondary phone is in Vegas.”

“How do you know he’s got two phones, Sage?” I asked. I wasn’t liking this at all.

“I do work for him, and his ping came back the same ping as that phone location.”

“You stalk him?” I asked.

“I keep tabs on him. He knows I do.”

“You keep tabs on everyone you work for. It’s part of what you do and why you do it.”

Sage sighed, “So yeah, he’s in Vegas. I’ll get you room and location if you want specifics.”

“I want specifics Sage,” I said then hung up. My head was reeling. He left. Without saying good-bye. What the fuck! I thought things had been decided we’d try. We’d make something work. I guessed I was wrong. Fuck!

I stepped inside the dim restaurant and I was greeted with a gust of cold air that sent shivers down my spine. Alex had left. He’d been ignoring me. Was Ant right?

When I got back to the table Rider and Laker were watching me carefully. “He’s dead?” Rider asked.

I blinked at him. “Uh. No. He’s in Vegas.”

Both of my brothers mouthed “oh” but didn’t say anything. Rider being the bolder of the two took my phone and started flipping through things. “You are going to Vegas right?” He looked at me as he started planning. “I’ll book the flight and get you going. You enjoy dinner.” He said as he took my phone and went down the hall. I imagine he was calling Dorian too. Or my father. I can’t imagine that he’d do it all by himself.

Why was it that I let my brother do that for me. I could have managed, I told myself. Laker grabbed my hand and squeezed “Rider will take care of it Nox, relax. We got this, don’t stress over it. You can go yell at him in a few hours.”

Matt asked, “What’s going on?”

Laker smiled at his crush and blushed a little, “It’s going to sound crazy if I tell you.”

“Like you guys aren’t already crazy.”

I grinned at him. “The guy I liked just up and left without saying anything. Not even to fuck off. I thought we were going to work through it.” I sighed. “But all we do is fight, so I don’t know. Maybe I should just leave it.”

Laker punched me, “No. You won’t. You will make him tell you to it’s over Nox. He can’t leave you hanging like that. Not only is it rude he should know better.”

“Yeah he should know better. Like he should know my anxiety isn’t personal. But that doesn’t change anything,” I growled at him.

“Nox. Come on man, just go talk to him. It’ll do you good to know it’s over if it’s over.”

I sighed. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

Rider came back and dropped my phone in my pocket. “You don’t have time to waste, Nox. You’ve a flight in an hour.”

“What?”

Rider smiled. “Go or Sage’s work will be for naught.”

I sighed and my brother pulled the chair out from behind me. “Fine.” I sighed. “Tell them to put it on my tab.”

Meeting the Boyfriend

Laker called his friend and until the boys decided one way or the other that’s how he’d remain in my eyes. I found it comforting and a little scary that my little brother was seeing boys as potential love interests, while the other was firmly into girls. Was I a bad influence?

Matt met us down stairs as we left to go into Little Italy. He was almost as tall as my brother, his jet black hair were a stark contrast to the amber colored eyes. And he was Venatori, he was still sixteen so he didn’t have the mark, but I knew he was, but not like any other Magnus I’d ever met. Instead of drawing in the elements, he pushed them away.

I introduced myself, “I’m Nox” I offered him my hand.

He shook his head, “I’d rather not. Why don’t you match them?” Matt nodded to my head.

It made me curious why Matt wouldn’t take my hand. “I don’t have the color to match easier to stay with just black.” I said to answer his question.

“My dad would kill me if I walked out of the house looking like this.”

“Most Venatori don’t really think their children are gay when that’s all they’ll ever be.” I said.

Matt shuffled his feet embarrassed by his heritage. “I’m not mad. I think he should know though.”

He looked up, “He does.”

Laker chipped in, “I do. We met in the ball courts outside the AU building. We played pick up games every summer. This year was different.”

Matt smiled and Laker took his hand. “Let’s go or we’ll be late.”

Rider and I followed the two new love birds it was fun watching. Laker and Matt talked in whispers together. Rider and I tried to ignore them by standing instead of sitting across from them. Rider bumped my hip and I turned to look behind me and saw my little brother kissing his first boy. I smirked and nodded my head in the direction of the front of the car. Rider just chuckled. “You think I should tell them to get a room?”

I shook my head. “It’s just a kiss.”

Rider laughed, “Like you and Alex have just a kiss.”

“Did your dad have the whole birds and bees talk with you?” I asked Rider.

“No but we’ve had health class. Abstinence is the best policy and if you are going to have sex always protect yourself.”

I nodded. “This goes for you too, but my bed side table always has condoms.”

Rider laughed, “I know and lube and toys and…” He smirked, “I took a few the other night when we went out.”

“I’d prefer it if you bring your your girls back to the house and not some sleazy motel or something,” I told Rider.

He didn’t blush. “I’ll keep that in mind. Though I think Laker might have issues with that.”

“Laker can bring his boys home.”

Rider grinned up at me, “He’s happier here with you. I think Dad pushes the girlfriend thing a little too much for him. It’s not that he’d hate Lake or anything but I think he’s afraid Dad will hate you for it.”

“I don’t blame him. My dad blames Dorian 80% of the time. He’s just now starting to understand that I was thinking about boys long before I even knew Dorian liked men.”

“Yeah, but Kai’s looking for excuses to make you not his son. Or that’s how I take it. He doesn’t want to be the dad of the guy who’s different. Cause it means that there is a lot to say about nurture versus nature.”

“You’ve talked with my dad?” I asked Rider.

He nodded. “I talk with everyone about you. Sometimes I feel like the older brother and then there are times I feel like I need my big brother, and you can’t be my big brother if you are falling apart. So yeah I talk to Margo and Dorian and you dad. I’d talk with Alex if I could.”

I sighed. “He’s not talking to anyone these days.”

Rider wrapped his arm around me as the train came to a stop. “I know man. Sage will find him then you can go give him an ear full.”