I’m Not Okay

The food was pretty good for coming from room service. Alex was busy watching the movie. He wasn’t paying me any attention except a casual glance at me to make sure I wasn’t freaking out. I felt a comforting aura in my mind, like he was trying to calm me down in other ways without being obvious about it. But it wasn’t a nudge, or manipulative, more like a hug since I was pretty sure I’d push him away if he tried to put his arm around me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to touch me because fuck I did. But if he touched me I’d fall into tears again. And I was doing my best not to. I was thankful I’d washed all the eyeliner off in the bathroom, there was no more mess to be made.

Our plates were empty by the time the end credits started rolling. Alex stood up groaning and stretching. “You know the bed or chairs would have been more comfortable.”

He squatted down and grabbed my plate and his and put them on the carts. He glanced at me from across the room. “You feeling any better?”

I shook my head. “Why am I here?”

Alex smirked, “I asked you that earlier. You said I wasn’t returning your texts or calls. Has that changed?” I was glad Alex was finding the humor in the situation. It made me smile. His smirk turned into a genuine smile, “You are here because I asked you to come here. You stayed..” Alex looked at me and nodded to himself, “You stayed because you wanted me in your life and you don’t care how that translate.” Alex chuckled, “Which is such an ego killer. If I were you, and I wanted me, I would want all of me, in every possible way. I mean, who wouldn’t?”

“Your ego is showing.” I grinned at him. I stood up and from the way Alex’s eyes watched me I knew he was impressed. “I’m not okay, Alex. I’m never going to be okay. But I’m better with you.” I walked over to him and ran my fingers down the side of his jaw bitting my bottom lip. “And you are right. I want you in every possible way, but I will take anything you are willing to give me. I don’t care if you don’t love me like I love you, or even if you don’t want more than just sex. I just want to be with you.”

Alex shook his head and took a step away from me, “Why would you settle?”

“I’m not Alex. I’m not settling. I was 13 when I kissed my first boy.” Alex frowned. “And I only kissed him because you gave me the courage in my dreams to beleive I was worth it. I only wish my sex life had stayed healthy because of you instead of the path it took. Alex, with you I’m better. I don’t need all that other stuff I needed before. We fight, but… I don’t care. I’ll change. I’ll adapt, I can be what you want. I just need you to tell me – to talk to me.”

“Why? Nox, why would you change for me? I can’t change for you.”

“Because that’s what I do. I don’t care what people think of me – except for those I care about. Change doesn’t come easy to me, but I can change. You just have to give me time and the space needed to do it.”

“You can’t change for everyone.” Alex argued.

“But I can change for you. I have changed for you. You hated that I jumped from buildings, so I stopped. You hate when I come to you impared – drunk or high. You never said anything but I saw the disappointment in your face. And when I realized you cared for me even then I stopped – for you. To make you happy. Even after I didn’t come to you and I had sent Jace to you and he fucked up our lives, even then I still changed for you. I was a mess, but I didn’t go back to my old ways of fucking every girl I wanted. I didn’t go to the gay bars to get pounded by guys who didn’t want me. I fucking tried to have a real relationship. The guy was an asshole to me, but that didn’t matter at the time. No one is ever going to compare to you. Real or imagined. And I’m sorry I’m freaking you out. Telling you all this. But I’d rather you know how I feel and leave me now then for you to leave me later when I can’t survive without you. At least now it won’t be as hard. It won’t be easy but I’ll manage. I’m not so addicted to you that I can’t pick up the peices one last time. In a few months, when you get tired of me. I might not survive it. But don’t stay with me because of it. Don’t be that guy, the one who sacarfices his happiness for me.”

“Why shouldn’t I? You are doing it.” Alex challenged me.

“I’m not sacraficing anything for you Alex. But I would, I mean I’d give everything up for you. I’d be human for you. I’d be lost at first, I’ve never not been Venatori. I’ve been here since I was 5. I don’t know the basics of living like you. Paying bills, getting a job. What the fuck would I do? But I’d do it for you. All you have to do is ask. Tell me it’ll be worth it and I’ll do anything for you Alex.”

I walked away from Alex, he was still two steps back out of reach. I stopped at the closed window and imagined the world below. The tiny people, their lives, how happy they were. How much different their lives were from mine. “I know I’m a lot to deal with Alex. And I really do understand if you want to walk away from it. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t tell you all this. But like I said. I talk a lot. I just wanted it all out there. You can tell me to get out, and you won’t hear from me again.” And I waited for him to say something – anything.

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