Panic Attack

I didn’t have time to stop by the apartment and grab anything. Sage sent me a text.

S: Good luck, babe. I hope you rip him a new one.

I really didn’t know why they kept thinking I was going to be mad at him. I just wanted to know for real. What this was? I thought he wanted more. I’d been torturing myself looking for missing dreams and he left. Why was I even going? And flying? What the fuck!

But even my dreary thoughts didn’t turn me from hailing a cab. It didn’t stop me from standing in line at the front desk checking my non-existent bags. I walked through security and to my terminal. It didn’t stop me from sitting down and closing my eyes to rest while I waited. The last flight I took I met Henry, and I dreamt of Alex before I knew his name. I don’t know how I remembered that but I do now. Like sitting here reminded me of that dream.

I could feel my heart racing and my skin getting slick with sweat. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait long before my seats were called. I hated the back of the plane but you take what you can get on short notice. Boarding was easy and unfortunately I had a window seat. Fuck! Just what I needed.

I pulled the window shade down, buckled up and pressed my back into the back of the chair gripped the arms and closed my eyes. I was so in the middle of a panic attack. I was grateful that I had a pair of earbuds on me at all times at least when the plane got in the air I could listen to my music. Or music of some sort.

I should nap, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest as the gray haired woman and a young child sat down next to me. The kid couldn’t be more than three and I was going to go crazy if the kid whined the whole time. Fuck!

The woman looked at me, “You okay honey?”

I nodded, “I don’t like flying.”

She patted my hand. “It’s safer than driving.”

I laughed. “I don’t like driving.”

She paled a little at my sarcasm. I knew logically I’d be fine. But my childhood trauma had only made this worse. My fear of heights was only enhanced by sitting by the window. My heart pounded in my chest. It took forever for the plane to load and the airline attendants to do their thing as we taxied down the strip to get ready for our flight.

The child next to me yammered on. I was grateful his grandmother was sitting between us but I couldn’t wait for my music to be the only sound I heard. Fuck!

We started moving faster and tilting up and I squished my eyes closed as I tried to keep my breathing even. The kid next to me screamed as his ears built up pressure and he didn’t know how to react. My body tensed and I had a death grip on the arm rests. The woman next to me didn’t know what to do, between me and the screaming child.

The child eventually stopped as his ears equalized and I relaxed when the ding that signaled we could use our electronics was sounded. I quickly pulled my earbuds out of my pocket and plugged it in and set the music to as loud as it would go. I didn’t care what I listened to as long as I could drown in it and feel nothing else.

I listened to something loud and heavy. It was not a usual playlist – more like one I played when I needed to focus on something other than my life. Or the moment. It wasn’t the music I listened to. Sage would have been proud. Only dancing you could do on this playlist was in a mosh pit.

The lady next to me tapped my hand and I turned to look at her pulling out an ear bud. “Can you turn that down?”

“No.” I said then stuck it back in my ear, pulled my hood up over my head and pretended I didn’t exist in this world. And I didn’t. I drifted into my subconscious reliving all the memories of Alex. It wasn’t sleep I sought, it was the comfort of my blue-eyed boy who had gotten me through my suicidal days. The fear was raging through my blood again. I found him in the memories. Found him where I was in a corner floating on nepenthe – the only drug that actually worked on my depression for short periods of time but it was highly illegal and selling it to me being half human carried a steep penalty. It drove full grown human’s mad.

Alex knelt in front of me and frowned, “You are always like this around my birthday. You should be happy, it was the month I was born.”

It elicited a smile from my lips but I confessed, “I didn’t know if you were coming.”

Alex shrugged and pressed a kiss to my lips. My fingers snaked around his neck and into his hair. He grabbed my hands and pinned them to the wall above my head with a smile. “I don’t trust you like this not to hurt me. No touching.”

“I’d never hurt you.” I said in the dream and in the memory I agreed with him out loud. I would never hurt Alex, not on purpose and I tried hard as hell never to do it on accident. But I knew I would do that. Not mean to hurt him, physically or emotionally, but it was bound to happen.

Alex just chuckled as he pinned my hands above my head and we shifted to a bed in the blink of an eye. Alex was above me kissing, biting and sucking at my neck leaving a large purple mark on my neck. I felt the pull of emotion of the dream. Felt his lips on me. I wanted nothing more than to give Alex everything he wanted, and even my young self gave him what he wanted. Alex bitched about my submission but he loved it as long as it never got in the way of what he wanted.

I sighed and opened my eyes. I shifted uncomfortably and the woman next to me just glared at me. Her eyes glanced down to my pants and I knew fully well why, but I didn’t care as she stared at my tightening jeans. She couldn’t leave the seat either. She shook her head and mumbled, “Pervert!” And I couldn’t help but chuckle. Alex would have provoked me further if he’d known. And I would have tried to remain quiet. If only he were here…