Doubt

It’s a scary mother fucker sometimes — doubt is. (just like the plant from today’s photo prompt and used as our featured image). It has little teeth that grab hold and worry it’s way into the recesses of our mind causing undo anxiety and pain and a billion other things.

That was AJ last night. Doubting life’s choices, her skills, just being a fucking adult is hard.

AJ’s doing a bit better this morning after a good nights sleep. It’s not a terminal case of the blues or anxiety. And really only worth mentioning to solidify that AJ is doing alright.

The darkness of night is always the worst time for AJ. Thoughts pound at her mind and try to derail her sleep. Thankfully she had me to remind her she was supposed to be focusing on me and my life and my story. The problem would take root and the anxiety would rise and I had to calmly say “AJ stop. Alex was talking with Dorian about XYZ” and she’d refocus on those conversations. Conversations that will never be written or rather that you won’t see in a book. But they exist none-the-less. AJ might write them. And honestly I think she will write at least one of them coming up.

It’s not insignificant this talk with Dorian. He’s had similar ones in the past. All those moments of damn he looks so happy with you. Whatever you are doing don’t stop type of conversations. Yeah, he relapsed two days ago but that wasn’t your fault. That was years of conditioning. Dorian would say. And Dorian would tell Alex about how I converted him into loving me like a son. How I was special and that I needed someone special to take care of me. All things Alex knows of course, but things Dorian would share. And all those embarrassing stories too. Ya know the mishaps and turbulence of being a kid.

All things I wish I could watch as Alex listens and learns and Dorian explains the inner workings of my chaotic mind. The mind he’s studied since I was five. Because that’s what I was to Dorian for so many years — just another research project.

But yeah, AJ and I get through our shit and we move on. Nothing more to do than just keep swimming! (And I hope the song gets stuck in your head too)