Kate continued to lie to me for a week. I walked into her office in our apartment while she was on the phone with the doctor. “There is nothing we can do?” she asked sadly.
I couldn’t hear the other side of the phone, but I listened to Kate’s thoughts. Fear permeated them; thoughts of death and cancer rolled through her mind, and I collapsed in the chair opposite her desk. Fuck me!
My entire body shook with the anger and sadness. How could this happen — again!
When Kate hung up the phone I asked calmly, “What’s going on, Katie?” I let her hear my fear, but I wasn’t mad at her, so I kept it to myself. She didn’t need to know that part of me. Not now.
She moved between my legs and knelt down. Pressed her head against my chest. “Oh honey, I didn’t want you to find out like this.” Or at all echoed in her head. I hated being in her head, but I had to know.
Kate lifted her head and looked at me with sadness, “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
“There is good news?” I asked, sounding incredulously. How could any of this be good news?
“Yes, my love. I’m pregnant.”
“What the f…” I saw the hurt in her eyes when my reaction wasn’t ecstatic as she had hoped for. “I’m sorry, I’m not the greatest father, Katie, you know this.”
“You’ll be a fabulous father.” she said.
I sighed. “What’s the bad news?” I knew the answer, but I needed her to say it. I needed to hear it from her own mouth.
“Cancer.” She said flatly, “I have cancer.”
I let the tears fall, and I placed my forehead on top of her head and let out a slow, soft breath. “There is nothing they can do?”
“Not if I want to keep the baby.”
“Why would you…” I growled, but as she looked up at me with tear-filled eyes, I stopped, “I’m sorry. You know…”
She nodded, “I’m sorry, but I am keeping the baby.”
I took a deep breath. “I understand. It’s your decision. But, Katie…”
She wrapped her arms around me, “Oh honey, please be happy for us.”
“I’m going to lose you, how can I be happy for us.” I said. I wanted to stand up — to walk away, but Kate clung to me. I didn’t want to hurt her further. I loved her.
“Please, honey, be happy for us. We’ll be a family. A proper family.”
I smiled, though I knew it didn’t reach my eyes, “I’m happy, Katie.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m happy.” It was a lie. I was not happy. I didn’t understand how she could sacrifice her own life for the child that wasn’t even born. She was going to leave me for what? And leave me with a child I didn’t want.
Tears fell down Kate’s cheeks, and I wiped them away. I pushed my selfish thoughts away and focused on Katie. That was all that mattered — I wanted Katie happy. And she wanted me happy. I could pretend for her. “Let’s go out to celebrate.” I said with feigned happiness.
“Really?” Kate’s voice echoed in my ear.
Dinner, celebratory sex and now I’m lying awake in bed fighting the urge to go to my special place in the dream, but my Pretty boy was calling, and I didn’t want to make our time about me and my depressed self. But the nagging, tingling feeling didn’t fade. The black blur would rip him away into his oblivion and I’d not see him till the next night.
I closed my eyes, and I faded into the darkness of Erebus. I didn’t need to seek his orb in the abyss; I was already in his dream. I opened my eye to see him lying on the bed reading a book, fully grown. “Hey,” he said without turning to look back at me. He looked like the boy he always started with, but grown, the thick eyeliner and crimson dyed tips in his chocolate brown hair. He was gorgeous.
I smiled, “You remember?”
He shook his head, still reading the book, “Remember what?” He flipped on to his side and looked back at me. That bright smile he gave me in recognition. “I just had a feeling.”
“What kinda feeling?” I asked, sitting down next to him. He folded the book closed and set it aside, and it vanished in the dream — no longer needed. He wrapped his long fingers around my waist and pulled himself closer to me. His fingers trailing under my t-shirt but not in a way that said let me take your clothes off. My disappointment didn’t last long as his fingers feathered across my skin.
“That there were things bigger than me.” He shrugged, he really didn’t know what to say, which was unusual for him — a man of many, many words.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
He grinned up at me, “I know, but I’m here when you do.” He rolled over on to his back and lifted his arms over his head, a slight slip of skin shown above his jeans. God, he was fucking gorgeous. “You look sad. How can I make you feel better?”
I laughed, “Oh Pretty Boy.” I leaned over him and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I can think of so many things. But I need you naked for that.”
The world fuzzed a little, and he was naked. I don’t know if was my desire or his dream world manipulation that did it, but he was naked. He was the perfect distraction from all my problems. So perfect…