The darkness grew thicker as I watched from my vantage point. I was afraid of the dark as a child. I still sleep with a small light on in the bathroom even now. The fog rolled in with my demon – my own personal monster. It whispered what I was thinking, ‘monster’.
No matter how many times I told myself I wasn’t a monster my mother’s words still echoed in my head. She was afraid of me, a five-year-old, of the thing I might become. I didn’t know what I was. I just needed to learn to control it.
And control it I did, but I didn’t blame her. When your entire family is ripped apart by the supernatural, you tend to be wary of any being who displays that kind of power. And when it’s your own child casting fire about like it was nothing, setting your house on fire, who could blame her for thinking I was a monster?
I told myself I was past this, but I obviously wasn’t. My dreams echoed my self-worth.
I knew what was next and I wanted to turn away to leave this awful dream – the one I’ve had every night for as long as I could remember. But I stayed because Alex drew me here. We’ll it wasn’t Alex but the memory of him. I tormented my self in the memory dream.
The first blow from the tentacle landed across my dream-self’s back, and I bit back the yelp that threatened to escape as if the memory were happening to me now. It wasn’t real, but I felt it anyway. Even now when it wasn’t me receiving the beating, I felt it split the skin along my back. It was strange that when it was happening keeping quiet was easy, but now – watching I shied away, wanted to run, but I never did. Never made a sound, never fought back…
I hated this. I wanted to leave, but I was frozen in place. I couldn’t take it as I watched another blow land. And then another. But before I could close my eyes, I saw a figure in the darkness. I expected to see a small boy with a pair of gorgeous blue eyes, though this time it was a girl her eyes so dark the were almost lost in the night. The discrepancy in the memory dream made my eyes pop open and I stared at the ceiling of my new bedroom sans the glowing stars. The sun was streaming through the window and I hadn’t really been sleeping or even dreaming – just looking for the lost bits of me that were tied to Alex. Even though Alex wasn’t answering my texts.
He wasn’t answering my phone calls. He wasn’t even home. He hadn’t been seen since I walked out of Bonnie’s. The only place I saw his gorgeous ice blue eyes was my dreams and I dreamt of him at every moment. I was so bored not having anything to do. It wasn’t even two days in and I was already calling Dorian. “Please let me come in and work.” I begged.
Dorian just laughed at me. “Go play with your new friend. He’ll teach you how to take a day off.”
And Alex might have if Alex answered my fucking texts.
I was grateful for my brothers and their summer vacation. They were entertaining. But I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to sleep. And for me that was a big change in my world. And I only wanted to sleep so I could pretend I was seeing Alex. But I never saw him. Not even a fake him – dressed as someone else, nothing but a pair of blue eyes floating in the black abyss. I pretended it was him – right up until the point that it struck me. And the illusion vanished and I was stuck in the nightmare trying not to scream.
Each dream came in the darkness of my mind. Punishment for being happy. But I was okay with the torment if I got to see those eyes one more time. One more time to see Alex. One more time to feel his lips against mine. One more time I floated in the abyss waiting for him, and he never came.
But this simple change – a girl in my dreams made me question everything. Question really what was I doing. I was lying in bed in the middle of the the day. The girl so familiar yet I didn’t think I knew her, but how was the face in my dreams? My phone chirped and my heart leapt. Was it Alex?
I reached across the bed eagerly to grab my cold silent phone and was saddened when it was just a text from Rider.
R: Need your assistance with our brother.
He couldn’t be any more vague but it was enough to pull me out of my head and out of bed. I at least had something to do now.