Not Exactly as Planned (Falling Apart)

Dee told me all about how she and Dev met. They’d been in highschool together, but they didn’t know each other. It wasn’t until nursing school that she met him. He was playing a club with the guys and they hooked up. It wasn’t anything spectacular Dee said. But she went back another night and it kept happening. She felt more things with Dev than with anyone else including her father. And just like tha we were back on the topic of magical shit and demons. And it was my fault cause I responded, “Dev’s a telepath, he understood your connections to people. He said he was drawn to your shield it was inmpregnable.”

Dee nodded. “Yeah, until you broke it.” She sounded almost upset about that fact, like she blamed me for what she felt now.

“I didn’t break it. I killed the demon who was maintaning it.” I whispered in my defense. My voice was quiet and distant and I really wanted to go home now. This was a mistake. “I killed the demon that had been hurting me and five other kids that I know of. How many others did he hurt, he drive insane like Levi? I’m sorry your precious gem broke and you have to deal with something you were born with. Welcome to my fucking world.”

I stomped off. I couldn’t do this. She resented me for what I did because of how it affected her. I was trying to make it right. We had human empaths teaching Dee. I even asked Margo to help her. Margo wasn’t an empath but she dealt with empaths and telepaths and dragons and venatori and every other supernatural creatre out there. She was helping. Dee was holding her own shields. She was doing everything she could not to feel other people. She rejected the idea. Both Dev and I tried to tell her she had to accept it, learn to control it, but she refused.

I kept walking. I didn’t care that Dee was following me, trying to catch up. But high heels in the november weather wasn’t exactly easy doing. I stopped and sighed, “What?”

“We were suppose to have dinner, go dancing, instead you’re pissed off at me.”

I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to see the look on her face, those beautiful eyes blinking back saddness and fustration. “You resent what I did. How are you going to get past that? It’s not about you. It wasn’t about me. It was about five little kids who would have grown up like me. Who would have been tortured their whole lives. They might not have been as strong as I was, and they’d end up like Levi. Stuck in a bed, unable to function without massive doses of medication. I would take that pain away from them, take it away from you if I could. I’m sorry that the demon’s death hurt you. I’m sorry I’m not like Sage with his sweet smile and his innocence. I’m sorry I’m not like Dev and make you feel happy and safe. I’m sorry you feel everything.”

“I don’t feel you.” She said.

“Because I don’t let you feel me. I don’t want to make it worse than it already is.” She was standing in front of me now. and I turned back around. I didn’t want to look at her.

“Dev says you lock him out too. Says he understands but it hurts him that you are locked up so tight. Somethings wrong Nox. You won’t talk to Margo. You won’t talk to any of us. But you need to.”

“What do you want me to talk about Dee?” I turned around and glared at her. “You want to know that I’m bored out of my mind. Do you want to know that I feel useless? That my world is collapsing under me. Do you want to know that I see the three of you together and I want to run away go hide in a hole and die because I’m not with you. Do you know how many times I’ve come home to the three of you and just turned around and left?”

“All you do is sulk. You don’t join us. You don’t try to be part of anything.”

“Because I don’t feel apart of it Dee.”

“You’re pushing us away.”

“Yeah I am, that’s what I do.” I said and started walking.

“Fuck you Nox.” Dee shouted after me.

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