Not Exactly as Planned (Getting Ready)

Sage pulled me off the couch. “Go get ready.”

I sighed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go. I was in a funk, which was why Sage was pushing me to go. Why he had set everything up – rather told Dee that she had to take me out tonight. She was the only one free. Dev was working too many nights. Sage had to be up early. Dee wasn’t on call tonight or tomorrow so it was perfect. She hadn’t even worked a double. Everyone was always busy which was contributing to my lack of motivation.

I got up at 6am with Sage. I made him and the boys breakfast. They older boys got ready and walked to public school by themselves. I got Drake ready and took him to Pre-K. What the fuck was that? But Drake loved it even if he had to wear his glamour all the time. He came home exhausted. After Drake got to school I went to the gym. Sage purchased me a membership someplace I’d have to walk and get out of the house instead of yoga or running. I was bored out of my skull. I had cooked until I was bored. I’d even sat down in front of the idiot box and tried to numb out.

I went to NYU’s website and looked at all the courses they were offering. But the semester had already started so I could apply but it wouldn’t help my boredom now. I didn’t even have any fucking clue what I wanted to do. Dev tried to talk me into bartending at Aspect. Sage pushed me to teach a class at the gym. And I had I said I’d try both, but they didn’t have places for me so again I waited.

So now they were trying to at least make my life enjoyable. This fucking sucked. But I put on a happy face. They knew I wasn’t happy but I tried not to act like it in front of them or the boys.

Sage sighed. “Come on Nox.”

“I’m moving.” I said.

“You could be happy about it.”

“I’m happy.” I said with a faked grin.

Sage rolled his eyes. “Dee has a good night planned. I know we are busy but you’ll get used to this. I promise. Go have fun. Forget your mundane life.” He said mundane with hatred. That was the only thing he didn’t like – the fact that this life bored the living fuck out of me. He was happy I was here all the time. He was happy I lived with him. That I cooked for him. I cleaned for him. He was in heaven and I lived a boring mundane life. I felt like shit and no amount of yoga or working out fixed it. I really should go see Adrian. Or Margo… You know it’s bad when I am almost to that point.

I went upstairs and took a shower and pulled on a pair of blue jeans, a non-sarcastic t-shirt – actually it was one of Sage’s. It still smelled like him and it was comforting when I felt like shit. I wore a black button down over top the black t-shirt with the Avengers written across the chest.

My hair was colored orange and my nails matched. I think redid my nails everyday out of sheer boredom. My hair too. I applied make up everyday, maybe not as thick as I did today but there were parts of me that stuck to my habits. I scratched at the modified tattoo. You couldn’t see the cross swords anymore. It was a chinesse symbol that meant exiled. Very blatent for the Venatori.

I didn’t have nightmares anymore at least not like I used to. My other fears were replaying in my head – the tattoo had me in sweats for a few nights afterwards. But I don’t think it had anything at all to do with the actual tattoo more what it represented. My fear of change. I couldn’t even jump from the AU building. They wouldn’t let me past the Infirmary. My whole fucking life was changed the day I said fuck you to the Venatori.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

I pulled on my leather jacket and headed back downstairs to say night to the boys and Sage. They had pizza for dinner. No telling what I was having since no one would tell me anything. No one really understood the anxiety not knowing caused me. But what did it really matter. I was a ball of nerves anyway.

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