Our sex life became a series of conversations prompted by the things we watched on the screen. Nox would sit and watch some of the things as I surfed around the dark web with me. He almost always remained clothed until later in the evening. He never touched himself, he was always watching me. Making me talk to him about things, why I’d like something. He never judged me for things I watched. He would smirk when he knew I was embarrassed about things, but not because they were embarrassing but because he knew I was embarrassed before he even asked the questions.
He liked our sex life. Or so he claimed. At least that’s what I thought too. One afternoon he was cooking in my kitchen waiting for my friends to show up for game night. It wasn’t anything special but he spent all day in the kitchen. He knew Sasha and I had been together, he said he noticed how close we were before that, but he said it didn’t bother him.
When I walked into the kitchen he corned me against the counter with a smile as he pressed his face into my neck and kissed my neck. I groaned and grew hard just from that alone and he chuckled against my skin. He was aggressive some days, but more often than not he let me take the lead in everything – except the conversations we had a least once a week.
I assumed one of those conversations was on deck and I was right. He whispered in my ear. “Have you been looking?”
At first I didn’t know what he was talking about. But then the conversation we’d had a few nights prior when I had watched my lover masturbate over a video call came to mind. He’d asked if I wanted to add people to our circle. Another lover so I could watch Nox having sex with them. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I knew Nox didn’t care, but I did. I hated that talking about sex came so easy to him. Why couldn’t it embarrass us both and we’d be on even footing. But as I thought about it I knew that would be devastating for our relationship. Nox thrived on communication. Who could ask for a better partner? I mean he tells you things you don’t even want to know. Nothing disgusting like bodily movements or things, but the scary shit everyone thinks about – things only your therapist should know.
And right now I guess I was his therapist. But he wanted me to know everything inside out, backwards and forwards, up and down. He was an open book. I wasn’t. It was like pulling teeth and I knew he got frustrated with me, but I couldn’t change who I am, anymore than Nox can change who he is.
But I knew what he meant and I shook my head. I hadn’t really thought about it. Nox nipped at my neck and laughed softly in my ear. “Then I guess you won’t be watching anything anytime soon now will you.” He teased me then walked away and continued his dancing and cooking that I’d come to take for granted. He did it so often, so carefree so unbidden. He didn’t care who watched – always the center of attention. Until he fell into that dark hole and then there was nothing you could do to get him out of it except wait. I hated those days. He called them the days of his truth. The days when his life shattered around him and he wanted to curl up and die. I’d only seen one in the short time we’d been together. The night he got back from saving a bunch of boys, he broke down after sex. He was spent – completely unable to cope with the feelings he was having and he’d let me in, gave him himself so completely that he lost his tight control.
It takes my breath away knowing that he trusts me that much. But at the same time it’s terrifying. Nox is broken. Completely and utterly broken. He can’t function outside of the Venatori. He can’t live a normal life because normal doesn’t exist. He is a trained killer. It’s all he knows. And yet he does everything in his power to not kill anyone. I can’t imagine living like he does. The strength and the power he has. And that’s not even talking about what he can do. That fire storm I still dream about. Some nights it’s beautiful symphony and other’s it’s a nightmare, it’s eating everything and anything in it’s way. Beautifully terrifying it sums up Nox to a T.
After watching him a few moments he said, “Don’t think of it as cheating. Think of it as scouting prospective. You have to be comfortable and trust them. If yo trust them, I’ll trust them.” He made it sound so simple and so skeevy at the same time. I only nodded at his statement. I don’t know how I feel about looking for a third, or a fourth, or a couple to have sex with us. Why would someone want to do that. Nox and I were in a relationship, why did he want me to add another. Did he think I wasn’t enough? Was it really about me and my kinks? He had so much more experience than I did. Just the way he moved his body said as much.
I asked as I watched him top a pizza he was making. “What about you?”
He smiled at me, that perfect smile that told me he was being genuine. I’d learned to decipher them just as much as I did the way he was breathing. “I don’t need anyone. You don’t do one night stands, and that’s all I’ve ever done. My taste in people aren’t going to be helpful for you.”
I sighed. He was right. And I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. “If we add a third, do you have a preference?”
He looked at me biting his lip, he only did that when he was being shy, I had caught him off guard. But it was gone, replaced with a bright smile, “Honestly, I’d prefer another guy, but I’m not going to be picky. A hetero couple with fluid tendencies would likely be best. We get a guy who likes being with other men, so you can watch us, and a woman so you can watch us. And we all get a little bit of everything we like.”
I wasn’t sure about any of it, but I filed it away for later. I wondered how a couple would work. How the relationship would end up being? Was it just sex? What if we fell in love? Or what if it messed up our relationship. I sighed and I saw Nox frown because he knew I wasn’t exactly speaking to him about all my questions, but he went about his his cooking, his dancing lost a little flair, and I hated knowing I was the cause so I whispered to hide my embarrassment. “I don’t know how any of that will work. What if I fall in love with them, and out of love with you?”
He came around the island dusting off his hands, not that they were dirty it was a habit he did when cooking. Always cleaning his hands. He placed them on either side of me as I turned to face him with my back pressing into the counter. He smiled. “That’s why we talk about things, love. Always – everything – especially sex and love. If you can’t talk about work I get that but me and you – there should be no secrets. I’m not going to let you go without a fight. If I’m fucking something up you need to tell me.”
I smiled and nodded, “And you’ll tell me if I’m making a mess of our relationship.”
He grinned at me and pressed his lips to mine and whispered, “You bet your blue eyes I will. There is more than enough love to share, if you are worried about loving more than one person. They call it poly-amorous relationships. I’m okay with however we work out in the end love. As long as I can come to your bed anytime I want, I’ll take it.”
What if I didn’t want to share him? I sighed. I wasn’t sure if I was being trite. I wanted everything and it contradicted everything else I wanted. Nox kissed me softly, “Don’t over think it love. It’ll be alright no matter how it turns out.”
And here my pessimist boyfriend was trying to make me see the bright side of things. The irony.