Missed Chances

A short following Rockstar and before The Children of Morpheus.

Weeks of being with Nox had changed things drastically. He’s shown me things I never knew existed. There is this little boy who is half a dragon and he can do magic and has these beautiful orange eyes, a dark skin that isn’t human and hair made of spun gold. And I fell in love him as easily and as quickly as I did Nox. The man has a huge heart. He took in a boy who’d lost everything.

He understands me in a way no one has before. I’ve been with others before who would indulge me. But not like Nox. Everything about him is about pleasing me. Not like doing my bidding or my slave. He wants to share pleasure with me. Nox’s greatest kink is to please his lovers. I’m not sure how this works. I want to watch him. His body is amazing. The way he moves. I like to watch him dance. Yoga is such a turn on. Stretching and bending and moving in such beautiful ways.

No one I’d been with was open to sharing… so I could watch. Nox is. The night we talked about it he let me watch him over a video call. Watching him touch himself was amazing, the expressions he made while he was coming was the final thing I needed to come myself. He’s amazing. He loves me. And here I’m walking into Aspect on a Tuesday night alone hoping to catch a glimpse of the bartender Nox kissed the last time we’d been here.

The bouncer let me in with a smirk and a few of the servers gave me a friendly wave, apparently I’d made an impression. I caught sight of him behind the bar in a white tank top and the same tight black pants. There was no one at the bar and he was cleaning a glass. It was almost cliche. When I sat down he asked, “What’ll you have?” He didn’t even look up.

I smiled at him, hoping he’d look but he didn’t, so I asked, “What would you recommend?”

He looked up and gave me a friendly smile, but nothing said he recognized who I was. “Depends on what you are looking for.” He said with a smirk.

I tried to play it cool, this was a guy I’d watched making out with my partner. I couldn’t help the arousal and the thoughts that shot through my mind. I thought I saw his smirk grow wider like he was privy to my thoughts. My voice gave out when I tried to talk which brought the tell tale heat to my cheeks. “I…” I started again. “I’m looking for something hard but smooth going down.” Did I really fucking say that? It was one thing to be brazen online, but out of my own mouth was another. Cyber sex was easy compared to this. Watching a lot easier.

The smirk from Nox’s rockstar never faded as he went off to make a drink. I watched his body as he walked. I liked the way his pants fit his ass. I could almost see Nox behind him and I had to turn away from the man before things got out of hand. The dance floor held a few couples who were dancing to the music. It was lighter tonight, the music didn’t pound into your skull, the beat was still strong and I found myself tapping to the beat. When Nox stayed there was an almost constant thrum to the whole house, it was never loud, but music was his life line. He either had a pair of ear buds in or let the speakers open wide on his phone, but there was always music playing. Knowing Nox it was all about comfort and safety. The beat of his mother’s heart, or some bullshit like that.

Nox had more problems then I knew how to handle. He’s afraid of elevators. I loved the fact that he’d curl around me when we’d go up to his apartment. He smells wonderful and his body pressed against mine no matter how platonic it is. It all makes me so hard. Yet he jumps from the top of the building and thinks it’s heaven. I won’t ever get it. I don’t know if I want to, he’s free when he jumps, even if I can’t watch him do it. He might die. He admitted to trying to kill himself a few times. What kinda person does that? He says he’s not troubled anymore, but he’s also stopped seeing his therapist after 15 years of seeing her religiously. What the fuck?

I mean I get why. She killed his twin sister, but couldn’t make herself kill him. She’s been lying to him his whole life. He trusted her with everything and she lied to him. I think lying to him is probably the worst crime anyone could ever commit against him. Cheating then telling him straight out would go over better than hiding it from him. Lying about it even worse than that.

I don’t view this as cheating. I’m not going to sleep with him. I’m just talking, that’s all I want to do. How else am I supposed to find someone to include in our exploration of things. I’ll tell him.

I turned back to find my drink had already been placed in front of me, but rockstar was no where to be seen. I frowned and sipped at the drink. It was stout but it went down smooth. I wish I knew drinks better. I was probably going to get totally wasted on this one drink. I drank beer with Danny, and Uncle Dusty, but that was really the extent of it. Drinking never really was my thing.

I waited around for a while to see if rockstar would show up, but he didn’t. His shift must have ended. My loss – getting lost in my own thoughts, must be what Nox feels like when he does the zone out thing. I’ll have to be more cognizant of his departures so he doesn’t miss things.

I picked up my phone and looked at the time. I had to be at work early – I always did, but that was my own fault not my boss. He didn’t get in until 10 or 11 in the morning. I liked to start early, and it seemed to be getting earlier now that Nox was around more often. He woke early and I’d just get up with him and start my day too. It allowed me to watch him do his thing before breakfast.

Nox was busy working with Walker, he was likely busy but I sent him a text anyway. “Wish you were here. Drink was good, music was decent, but the sights were the best thing – Sent from Aspect” I sent a second text to follow, “Heading home. Wishing you were there too.”

The night had failed drastically. But I learned a little about myself I think. That’s a plus. Maybe next time I won’t be eating my heart.