Desire… So many things spring to mind about desire. There is sexual desire, and just plain attraction. There is the desire to do go – be good. The desire for family and friends.
What is my greatest desire? I’m sure some of my regular readers know the answer in both a specific and generic terms.
I desire a family.
I was born to a human mother. We were happy for five years with my Nanny raising me while my mother hunted. And then I sparked. And my family went out the window. My mother was afraid of me. See, she became a Venatori hunter because her family was killed by a rogue werewolf. My mother watched her family get mauled and slain and gnawed on by a werewolf. So her fear of the supernatural is warranted, and I have come to understand that, but my mother still hated me when she died. She hated that I was a danger to the world. I could be hunted if I went bad. To her I should have been killed already.
So I grew up under the community of Venatori. I lived in the dorms my whole life until I graduated and I live in the residences in the AU building now. It is all I have ever known. When every other kid was going home to their families I stayed behind. If I was lucky, Dorian would take me home, or Jace would drag me home with him. Neither were ideal, and neither happened all the time. I was without a family of my own.
As I got older, I pushed everyone except those closest to me away. I slept around for human companionship but I never let anyone in. Sex became a coping mechanism and anyone who knew me knew that – I was in it only for the sex. So my possibilities of having a family are greatly affected by that cavalier attitude towards either gender.
It also doesn’t help that I act more ‘gay’ than ‘straight’. And that is so people don’t get close to me. I’ve I’m that weird gay kid, no one can hurt me.
But I’ve grown up. I want a family. I want someone to love me and I want to love someone so much that I would give up anything for them. I won’t push my kids away when they tell me they like women or men, or don’t like anyone at all. I won’t push away my kids when they aren’t the best, or they struggle in things. I will do everything in my power to give my kids everything I didn’t have and more.
That is my greatest desire!