I’m not a neat freak by any means – but order is very important to me. Order is how I cope with my instability. To avoid offending anyone who actually has the diagnosis I’m going to refrain from mentioning the research mode AJ took in developing my coping mechanisms.
I don’t own many things – a good deal of that has to do with the fact I was raid a ward of the Venatori. But another reason is even at a young age I tended to keep things well past their use. It took years for me to learn to let things go. I still have issues with some things – but if I don’t own much, or use much I can’t keep it. So I’m not a hoarder. My apartment I designed to keep clutter at bay.
I could say that my perfectionism comes from Dae’lin’s teaching – and it may have, but because that strict structure worked so well in the beginning I adhere to a strict structure now. I knew even as a kid, if I were left to my own devices I’d still follow Dae’lin’s rules. They were comforting.
I eat the same thing every week on the same day at the nearly the same time. I manage my day based on food and workouts. You’d say I was health obsessed not suffering from a mental disorder. And that may be what it looks like, but it the workouts are a coping mechanism. I do yoga two times a day, sometimes more on really stressful days. Knowing I can control somethings is how I cope with the things I can’t control.
I am prone to panic/anxiety attacks when stepping outside my comfort zone. I don’t have many friends, and those I do have understand me better than I can tell you about me. Jace has worked with me for years. Mia too. Those outside the Venatori I’ve cultivated through a lot of hard work.
I cover most of my anxiety with a fake mask of happy-go-lucky don’t-give-a-shit gay-guy. I learned early as a child it was better to fake it than it was to be completely alone in my head.