Losing Hope

Days crawled by. Everyday pretty much the same – reading dry books, waiting on Magnus’ friends to finish the translation only to have to get another reference piece to move forward. At first, Alec did his best to distract me, but there had been more demon attacks, and each one for no apparent reason. The Shadow hunters had little time to actually help with my problem, having one of their own.

I stayed at the Magnus’ and Alec’s loft with Max. It felt good to be useful, but I was growing weary. My nights were restless, I was running on empty. I woke sweating and panting from my nightmares – golden portals and the loss of my family weighing heavy on my mind. With each passing day I feel deeper into my own darkness. Anxiety and depression hiking up a notch nearly every hour.

Days turned into weeks and Magnus started sending me with Alec in the mornings hoping that a change of scenery would be good. I went through the motions. I spent more days in their training room running myself through form after form of every weapon they had in their arsenal I was proficient with including every martial arts I could remember.

Jace would join me in the morning and toss me around before they went on patrol. Simon and Clary took their turn around lunch time. Isabelle had the dinner shift and Alec stayed with me well into the night before he’d drag me back to his place where I’d crash in exhaustion and still wake up the same way.

Weeks turned into a month when Magnus came back from the Spiral labyrinth and flopped down in one of his spangly couches with a look of disgust on his face. Alec was in the kitchen when his boyfriend arrived and I’d been lying on the floor with Max held above me faking being happy which I already knew they saw through but it was what I did when my life through shit at me.

Alec asked from the doorway, “What’s wrong?”

Magnus waved his hand and an overly large white leather book appeared in his hand. “All signs point to this stupid book I’ve had all along.”

To say that my temper flared was an understatement. I could feel the fire boiling around me. Magnus and Max both stared at me as I set the little blue warlock down and rolled over and stood up with a quickness I rarely displayed. I wasn’t sure if it was the movement or the building power as I stepped out on to their balcony that pulled their attention to me.

I wrapped a wall of air around me in every direction and surrounded it with a viel so no one saw. I heard a gasp from the room I’d left as I let the power I was holding back go. It felt like it was pouring out of my pores, fire burning my skin but nothing touching it as the earth smothered it. The wind whipping around me inside my make shift box. Water elusivly slipped around finding purchase on the walls fogging my view.

I fell to my knees on the cement floor and curled in a ball as my power faded and winked out. My father would have said I lost control, but I hadn’t. I controlled every aspect of it. I felt the fire burning, knew it wouldn’t hurt anything. The water obeyed my whims as did the earth and the air. It was controlled chaos.

I sat in the cold Brooklyn night alone until the full moon was high in the sky and I could feel the pull of the night around me. I heard a wolf howl in the din of the city and tears fell that I hadn’t known I was holding back. I wanted to go home.

I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me and pull me into his lap as he leaned agains the rod iron railing. A panic attack encroached and I pulled away from Alec and backed away from the edge bumped into a pair of legs. I looked up with fear in my eyes, I could feel it on my face, feel it coursing through my body. I curled up against the wall and felt the tears slide down.

I heard Alec say softly to Magnus, “I swear I did nothing.”

Magnus nodded. “Heights. You are too close to the edge.”

I didn’t hear the rest of their conversation as the lithe archer lifted me like a child and carried me into their living room. My heart was racing at the new height, the position of my body against his, it didn’t know what to do as it skipped a beat and as soon as he put me down I moved away from him. I heard Alec sigh as he sat down. “Will he be alright?”

Magnus nodded. “Probably. Just give him time. He’s stressed to the point of ripping apart. I remember the feeling well.”

There was a soft knock on the door. I felt a pull towards the door and turned to look as Magnus got up to answer it with a questioning look on his face, he hadn’t been expecting anyone. The little she-wolf was on the other-side. I could feel her presence before she walked into the room with a gasp as she felt my power. I tried to reign it in, but her power called to mine and it wouldn’t listen. She asked, “Are you sure he’s not a wolf? He feels like one who is about ready to rip something apart.”

Alec moved to sit down next to me again, he’d gotten up when he saw Maia. The girl stepped towards me with an outstretched hand I moved away, towards Alec. I heard him whisper, “It’s probably not a good idea Maia. He told you not to touch him again. He’s freaking out right now.”

“I can help.” Maia said.

I whispered. “You can’t. I can’t change you can’t control me. I can’t pull it back in with you here. It wants home, you feel like home.” I whined, “I just want to go home.”

Maia murmured softly, “I can help.”

She reached out to touch me, I pulled father away from her as I croaked, “If you touch me my power will overwhelm you and you’ll change.”

Maia didn’t listen and she closed the distance quickly between us and I felt the ripple in her body as she touched my arm and I watched as fur covered her body. Her wolf head lifted from croaked position she’d entered when she shifted the golden amber eyes of her wolf stared back at me. I put my head to her’s and felt my tears fall on to her fur, “I told you. We learned the hard way on the full moon if I don’t spend my energy somewhere my whole pack will change on another night. It’s been building for too long.”

Maia shook herself and ran towards the balcony doors and she sailed over the edge and I knew she’d land perfectly and sprint off to join her pack wherever they were. I whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Alec hugged me against him. “Nothing to apologize about. You going to be okay?”

“Probably not. But I’ll fake it till I am.” I said flatly.

Alec shook his head, “Izzy says that’s never good. Bottling it up.”

I smiled weakly up at him, “Your sister is wise. But there is nothing else to do but fake it.”

Magnus sat down next to us, “What can we do to help?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. If there is nothing in that book then there is nothing you can do.”

Magnus smiled, “Well, we’ve not looked yet, so there is still hope. Chin up.”

Alec’s phone rang and he fished it from underneath me. I moved away from the tall archer feeling uncomfortable being that close to him. When the hell did I start feeling uncomfortable about being close to another person?

Alec answered his phone. “Mother?” He listened. “Alright we’re on our way.”
There was a long pause as I strained to listen to the conversation. “No, I’m not leaving him here, either of them.” I felt the anger rise in the room. “Mother, this is not your call. Magnus and Nox are coming with me. You can watch Max here.”

Alec hung up the phone with Magnus looking wide-eyed at his boyfriend. “What was that all about?”

Frowning on Alec was disheartening when his blue eyes faced with it, “Portal the three of us to the Institute, please. My mother will be coming here to watch Max. We’ve a demon summoner to take down, and your expertise is a good addition to the team and Nox needs to throw some of that power you felt at things.”