B: Bunnies

As a monster hunter I find it ironic that my favorite genre’s in movies and books are the supernatural fantasy types.  It’s mostly about laughing at how accurate or inaccurate they are, or getting lost in someone else’s worries that hit home.  I realized I’m a fictional character in AJ’s mind and that has a lot to do with it.

But one of the classic Buffy Halloween episodes featured the scariest thing of all – Bunnies.  Anya was a former vengeance demon who was afraid of bunnies.  They even referenced it in the Musical episode which was pretty awesome.  Anya rocking out to bunnies was funny.

We all have our little bunnies.  Things everyone else thinks are stupid to be afraid of.  I know I’ve gone on and on about my fear of heights and flying.  I have a terrible fear of needles which makes field medicine rather tricky.  Maybe one day someone I know will be able to heal again like Aurora could, but right now I have to deal with stitches – it’s the Atharim way.

I’m also slightly terrified of clowns.  No real reason, no bad incidents, just one of those omg creepy moments.  I’m not going to run away from them, but they can trigger some pretty intense nightmares – not that my normal nightmares are any less intense.

But the best thing to do about our bunnies is to face them head on.

A: Adept

I’ve spoken of power levels before here.  I’ve told you parts of how it’s done – how we are ranked: skill, natural ability and power levels all combining to make your rank.

But for each skill level there is a test.  Even when you are an initiate there is a test, but the test is merely a mechanism to determine your power level and what elements you can touch.  Most only get one, two at most, four is rare and being able to touch them all at the same time is rarely testable.  That is until me.

I was 10 when they found out I was Cesari.  I created a statue for the annual art fair that I rushed through using all four elements at the same time in front of everyone at the fair that day.  The statue still sits in the lobby of the AU building.  But shortly there after they tested me for Adept.

It’s a series of boxes that have small puzzles inside that are meant to be manipulated by an individual element.  But me being me and puzzles and patterns being my inherent Venatori gift I put the four pieces together and used all four elements at the same time to finish the test in record time.

In order to become Adept you have to complete the test of all elements you can control in a set amount of time.  I still hold the record today.  Being Cesari is that rare.

Favorite Spot

Since I was eight or nine years old my favorite spot was the roof of the Apex Unlimited building.  The wind high above the city was brisk, the air much cleaner than it was down below.  It wasn’t perfect but it was my serenity growing up.

At first I was the only one up there, every once and a while Jace would follow me up and sit with me for hours on end.  We’d say nothing.  Do nothing other than sit and stare out at the sky.

When I graduated from the Academy and was sent away to the Rockies I missed it the most.  While the air was fresh and I could still see for miles, I missed the busyness of the city below, the feeling that I was outside of it.  In the Rockies I was always outside of it, the mood was much more laid back than that of New York City.

But there was no time that I ever felt alive more than when I was jumping from the top of the AU building with only my gift to save me.  It was 8 seconds of pure bliss.  8 seconds where I was in control of everything about my life.  8 seconds that were mine and only mine.  Jumping was freeing and inspiring.  I do miss the jump!

What is courage?


1.  the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain,etc., without fear; bravery.
I disagree with a part of this definition.  Courage is not the ability to do something difficult, dangerous, painful etc, without fear it is to do it in-spite of that fear.  Everyone is afraid of something.  I have many fears – some are founded others are just silly to others.
Fear is one of those things that can paralyze some and others it spurs them into moving, making them look courageous.  You aren’t courageous because you are doing something you are afraid of.  You are courageous because you didn’t let fear stop you from doing it.  It takes a lot to conquer your fears – that takes courage.  But that does not stop you from being afraid.
I can ride an elevator or an airplane.  It takes courage for me to do that.  But I’m still terrified.  But I don’t let my fear dictate my life.


AJ’s got a song on repeat that’s kinda got everyone on the sappy sad side right now.

With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.

It’s the lyrics of Saturn by Sleeping at Last.  The song is beautiful, the words are captivating and inspiring in that sad sort of way.  It makes you miss people from your lives, knowing that they  made an impact on your life.

For all that I hate what my mother did to me, I regret a great many things when it comes to her.  I hate her but I love her, it’s a very complicated feeling I have for my mother.  I’m sad I’ll never get to tell her about her grand kids.  I’ll never get to see her play with them.  It doesn’t matter that she was a bitch to me as a child.  Family is important and I would never deny anyone who wanted a relationship with my kids.

I never got the chance to know either of my parents growing up and now I can’t with my mother.  I will do anything in my power to make sure I have some time with my father outside of the hatred I held for the man for so many years.  It’s hard, but anything worth doing is always hard.

Dear Past Me…

If I could write a letter to past me this is what I’d say

Dear Nox,

I know you think life is hard now.  I know it feels like the world is out to get you, that know one loves you.  I’d love to be able to tell you it gets better, but I can’t.  It’s a constant struggle to live through what we’ve lived through.  To deal with the things we’ve dealt with.

But I want to tell you to trust Margo, and Jason.  Trust them completely and as soon as you meet them.  They are the most important thing in your life.  They steady you when the world is spinning you round in circles.  Love them with all your heart.

Don’t let Aaron get under your skin.  He’ll always be a bully, he’ll always try to make you feel lower than low, it’s just the kinda person he is.  Don’t take it out on Jace or Ross because they are there.  They are only following suit because they fear Aaron.  But you are better than he is.  You will always be better than he is.  He is a weak person with low self-esteem and he is just trying to bring himself up while he takes you down.

But most importantly don’t let anything scare you.  Always conquer your fears, step up and do it even if it scares the living shit out of you.  It is the best feeling in the world knowing that you can conquer the things that make you afraid.  8 seconds of pure bliss…

– Your Future Self