Mountain

It’s not news if you’ve been following me around at all, but I was born in the mountains – Boulder, CO specifically. I don’t remember much about them before I left at the age of 5.

What I do remember is watching the mountains grow smaller as we drove to Denver. First them loomed over head like sleeping giants waiting to pounce. But as we neared the airport they became just shadows in the distance. Beautiful purple and blue humps that made me long for my nice warm bed in the cabin in the woods. I still wish for that some days.

It was the fondest memory of home I had. It’s what home was for me for 18 years. That was until I returned home. Home wasn’t what I thought it was. Home was no longer those beautiful majestic mountains. No, home was the towering skyscrapers of New York City. Home was the Apex Unlimited Building. Home was something I didn’t even know I had until I was gone from it.

The mountains had long since been home. But they were still beautiful, still majestic, and still a very fond memory of happy times with a family.

Mountain

Transformation

Like the caterpillar to the butterfly we all make a transformation. My life has gone from one big pile of crap to another pile of crap and on and on until we are today. Such is life. I am no longer that scared little boy who longs for his mother’s love.

I am still afraid of many things. I’m afraid I’ll never find the safety and security I so desire in my life. That I’m going to perpetually push people away from me until the world hates me. It’s the underlying fear of my life’s story. Most people don’t really know what they want in life. I do, but it scares the shit out of me. In order to have what I want I need to let people close to me. Close enough to hurt me like the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

It is such a hard thing for me to get around and over and I really have issues with it. I do have hope I will. I know it’s out there – somewhere. My transformation has never been easy. I have issues. I know I do. We all have issues. We need to get up off our asses and beat back the fear and keep moving on. I will find it when I least expect it.

Transformation