I followed after Alex and stopped halfway down the hall. He’d told me not to follow and I had. I stopped and leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, but there was nothing to calm except my mind. My thoughts that what Alex wanted was space. He didn’t want me to follow. He didn’t want to fix things. He wanted to be the savior, the man, the one in charge. He needed to be in control and I took it from him in so many ways so many times.
I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest and just sat on the floor thinking of nothing. Focusing on my breath not on the fears running through my head. I wasn’t panicking in the same sense as I used to. But it was still panic, still rattling around in my head. It was disorienting as I tried to pull myself together.
A door opened and I felt a cool breeze waft across the floor carrying the scent of oranges and lavender. I focused on the scent of home, on the presence of my love. But I didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t look up at him. And he didn’t move from the door way.
“You don’t listen too well.” He said. It was sort of a joke, but I didn’t take it that way. It was a failure of mine. I had no explanation.
The silence was difficult. And I heard the door close. My head fell to my knees and I felt the tears fall. There was no panic, no racing heart, just fucking sorrow.
“Every fucking tear you shed breaks my heart pretty boy.” He whispered as he sat down next to me.
“I’m sorry I’m who I am. I’m sorry I try to fix things, and I’m sorry I followed you when you asked me not to. I’m sorry that my being me causes you so much pain. I didn’t ask for any of this.” I felt sad and dejected and my voice found the same notes.
“You need to stop apologizing for things like that Nox. I get really tired of hearing the same shit.”
“I’m so fucking sorry my self worth bothers you so fucking much.” I stood up angrily. “So go if your going to go. Leave me before you get too old and you feel like you aren’t good enough. You’ll know I’m alone. You’ll know where I’m at. You’ll feel me for every dejected moment of my life until your dying breath. Or you can stay with me and live through my shit storm head and be with me forever. And when I say forever I mean forever. Because there are ways to solve that problem.” I shook my head. “For every time you get pissed at me for my self sabotage, I should do the same to you. But I don’t, I accept it, I try to make sure you don’t feel that way because of me.”
I walked away. “I’m going to find who the fuck is taking people. I’ll see you when I see you.” I didn’t turn around. I felt my heart sinking each step I took as I walked away from Alex. I prayed he’d be here when I got back. I begged the fucking universe to make him stay.
I hadn’t gotten more than ten steps before Alex grabbed my hand. “You’re right. But don’t walk away from me.”
I sighed and closed my eyes as I stopped. “That’s your thing.” I growled. “I have people to save.”
“We aren’t worth it, then?” Alex growled back squeezing my arm tighter.
“Of course it is Alex. But you’re going to leave me. I feel it Alex, deep down inside. It’s not my thought.”
Alex let go and stepped away from me. I saw only the edge of his feet. He had been getting ready to go back to bed like he said he was. “You can’t know that Nox.”
I looked up at him and frowned, “Why not? Because it’s not true. Because it is Alex. The bond lets me feel what you feel. You don’t notice it because you hear what I think, you know when I’m having a panic attack you see it, you hear it, you feel it, so now with the wiccan bond you get the deep down emotions but you don’t notice. I do. I don’t have that connection to you, and all I feel from you is deep down how much you hate what I am.”
“I don’t hate you.” Alex added angrily.
“Everything I am takes me away from you. In my dreams the night mare took me from you. My friends take me from you. My job takes me from you. My family takes me from you. Our family takes me from you. Everyone is bound to me mystically. Drawn to me, take me away from you. You hate it. You hate that I’m not all yours. Instead of allowing us the few moments we get to share together you think about all the things that could break us apart. Whether it’s near or not. I can’t live without you Alex. I won’t die with you gone, but it won’t be living.”
I shook my head, “You got what you wanted – my undying love. My heart in your hands. You can feel me, you can track me, you can sense me, you know everything about me. I can’t give you anything else Alex. There is nothing left to give you except complete and utter submission. But even that won’t make you happy.”
I turned around and I wanted to walk away but instead I put my hand to my face and closed my eyes trying to breath through the tears. “I love you Alex. I will love you till my dying day.” I said and I walked away. Alex didn’t try to stop me. But I had a feeling Alex wasn’t going to be here when I got back and that broke my heart into a billion tiny pieces.
Fuck pretty boy. I’ll be here. I promise.