I’m So Confused

I was breathless and feeling even worse when the kiss broke. My body was shaking. If it weren’t for that I would have walked away, but I couldn’t move. if I moved I’d break into a thousand little pieces. I didn’t open my eyes when he pulled away from me. I was afraid he’d be gone. His breath on my lips was the only thing that told me he was still standing in front of me. Alex whispered, “Has anyone ever told you you talk too much?”

The dry humor made my eyes pop open and Alex was staring at me. The concern on his face was evident. But he’d broken up with me, he didn’t want me. He told me I was selfish.

“Fuck, pretty boy.” He reached his hand up and caressed my cheek. I jerked away but his hand chased me and I eventually felt his fingers on my cheek wiping away the tears.

“I’ve never going to be anything but me Al…” He put his thumb on my lip to keep from saying his name. And then I realized that was the only fucking reason he kissed me. I stepped away brushing his fingers from my face roughly. “Good-bye,” I said and I turned around to walk away.

But Alex had his hand on my elbow and he was pushing me up against the wall. There was no space between us. I felt his warmth and I lost what little control I had left and the pieces of my world crashed and crumbled and I was crying. Not sobs, no racking pains, nothing so dramatic, just tears falling as I stared at his lips because that’s all I saw when I looked down.

He whispered, “Why is it always so hard with you?” His fingers lifted my chin and I met his icy blue gaze. “I didn’t kiss you to stop you. I kissed you to keep you here with me.”

I stared at him unbelieving, and he smirked, “Okay, fine, not the only reason.” Alex pressed harder into me and my body reacted in the only way it knew how and and his smirk grew. “So not completely pissed at me.”

“Just because I’m pissed does not stop the way I respond to you,” I shot back at him. He smiled and pressed a kiss to my lips. It was soft and tender and I moaned low in my throat as I melted against him.

“So easy,” Alex declared as he pulled away from me taking my hand in his and walking through the mass of people who were starting to gather outside the alley we had just been. I wondered what was going on, but Alex tugged me after him. “Come on, Pretty boy.”

I followed after Alex across the yard the fountain was in, through the lobby, and to the elevator. He stopped just before pressing the up button and turned to look at me. I bit my lip and nodded. “I’ll be okay if I’m with you.” It was a complete and utter lie. I wasn’t going to be okay. I was a mess. I was on the verge of a mental collapse but the look in his eye was the only thing that made it better. I knew he was listening to me. And he still dragged me into the opening elevator doors. He pressed me against the wall and pushed the button to his floor. 10 – I remembered the room number too.

Alex came over to me and stood in front of me and put his hands on my cheeks and pulled me against him. Our foreheads touching, breathing the same air. My heart was racing. He was going to break up with me in private. He didn’t want to be seen. Those were the thoughts running through my head. He didn’t want to create a scene. I was spiraling again. Alex whispered, “Nox, just calm down, please.”

But I was no where near calm. I pressed my face into the crook of his neck and wrapped my arms around him and took a deep breath. If anything he was home, and I would keep the memory of him close for all my life.

Alex pulled away from me pulling me after him and I reluctantly followed if only to get off the elevator. He slipped a card into the door and the green light went off and he pushed the door open. The room smelled like dinner more than Alex but I could find his undertones in the room.

He laughed, “You know that whole smelling my room thing, it really makes you sound crazy.”

I grinned at him as I followed him through to the room proper. “But only you can hear that. I never say oh the room smells like hamburgers and fried finger foods.”

Alex smiled as he kicked off his shoes and sat down. “Are you in a space we can talk?” he asked cautiously.

I shrugged. “Probably not. I’m never not going to be a mess Al… “ I stopped myself.

“You can say my name here. We check for bugs every morning and every evening. We did it just before dinner.”

“Why do you need to check for bugs?”I asked, like he was part of some high crime syndicate or something.

Alex shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Nox. Come sit, please.”

It was my turn to shake my head. “If I come sit, we’ll kiss, then we’ll end up in bed. And then you’ll leave and I’ll be broken. I can’t do that again.”

Alex nodded, “You disappeared Nox. I wasn’t the one who walked out.”

“We were having a f…. a fight. I couldn’t do it anymore I needed a breather. You just told me you couldn’t lie to me anymore.” I started pacing, one, two, turn, one, two, three, turn, back and forth. “You said I didn’t care, called me selfish. When I started asking questions you told me to stop.” I threw my hands up in the air and stopped to lean against the wall sliding down across from Alex on the floor, “You fucking confuse me.”