I’ve never been much of a daydreamer.  I’m not much of a looking towards the future or wondering what my life would be like if X were to happen to me.

Yes, I wanted out of my current situation.  I wasn’t happy.  I want change but the only way you get to what you want is you have to work towards it.  Daydreams are fun and all, but they don’t help you reach that goal.

I wanted to graduate.  So I worked my ass off to be the best damned hunter I could be.

I wanted to be healthy and confident and secure in who I am.  So I pretend that was me.  I was confident while scared shitless on the inside until one day I wasn’t afraid anymore.  I am still that boy who is afraid of things – many things, but I don’t let my fears rule me anymore.

Day dreams are great as long as you don’t sit around wishing and you are acting upon those dreams.

Camp NaNoWriMo April edition starts tomorrow and I’ll be busily working away at my word count. I will keep a running update in sections like this.


Trapped in a situation you can’t get out of?  It sucks.  My first year in the Academy I was trapped in that type of situation.  My mentor was abusing me.  I will admit this now to a few people – mainly myself but still I admit it now.

But had I said something all those years ago there would still be no proof of the abuse.  It would have been his word against mine.  And the only physical signs were things he made me do to myself.

One could say that it was my own mind making me do those things to myself, but I know better.  He knows better.

Every Venatori has a gift.  Some are subtle like photographic memory or reading patterns. Others are very useful like understanding languages immediately or seeing into the future.   And then there are the dangerous ones like mind control and dream walking.  The dangerous ones are kept under strict controls but only if you are cataloged at some point in your life.

My mentor Garrett Spencer was one of many rare cases with two mild abilities one he claims openly – empathy  and the second not at all – dream walking.

The only way Garrett could get me to spark was through fear and the only thing I really feared at a young age that he could manipulate instantaneous responses was through violence.  Hitting children is against the law in nearly every culture.  Children are the future and all that.  So he would set me into a sleep state at each session and beat me in my dreams.

Manipulating one’s dreams isn’t dangerous in and of itself, but it is when the manipulator can make you do something in your dreams  you wouldn’t otherwise do.  Such as creating threads of hot razor sharp air that could cut your skin and mimic the dream world.  Which is to say what he did.  And since patterns aren’t caught on camera and with enough clothes on because of super healing no one was the wiser except for the scars that it left behind because of the frequency of them.

The manipulation didn’t stop when the class did.  He tormented my nights.  And those dreams are what I see every night.  I’m far enough away from him, the connection to me is weak, but I know he still peaks into my nightmares from time to time only to make sure that they are exceptionally cruel that night.  It is one reason I stay away from the City voluntarily – my nightmares aren’t quite so bad.

Favorite Food

I love food.  Granted I’m rather picky about what I eat, but food is a great thing.  And I prefer to make my own food.  I’ve been cooking since I was about 10 mostly because it was a comfort.  Now because it puts me in the right frame of mind.

I’ve mentioned I’m a sucker for chocolate.  But I wouldn’t consider it my favorite food – my favorite sweet yes.  The only sweet I really eat except pie.  I like pie – pumpkin pie is my favorite with a little dab of fresh whipped cream – heaven.

But my favorite food is really hard to nail down.  My favorite everyday meal I make is marinated steak and roasted vegetables.  But who doesn’t love steak.  It’s my normal Sunday night dinner and I eat on it for a few meals afterwards too.  Leftovers are always used.

When I go out to eat I’ll eat at most any joint, but I prefer Italian food and growing up in New York City I had access to some of the greatest Italian chef’s this side of the Atlantic. Going out is the one time I indulge in pasta otherwise I don’t.  But Italian food hits so many pasta dishes I love – I’m a huge fan of butternut stuff ravioli in a browned butter sauce – any sauce really.

Wild Flowers

I’ve never been a big flower guy.  I don’t see the point in reality.  Flowers die unless they are those silk ones you can buy in the store.  I’m not big on romance either I guess having never actually dated anyone seriously.

But flowers should be kept on their stems for everyone to look at and let nature takes it’s course. I’d rather take a girl (or a guy if he’s into it) on a walk through the gardens smelling the over abundant perfume of flowers than have some that will die in a vase.  Why kill nature when you can just as easily buy a potted plant that will survive a lot longer.

Then again jewelry and chocolate is another thing that the world created to sell shit.  Though I will admit in all my healthy endeavors and no sugar regime of food for the most part, chocolate is my one weakness.  Very girly of me, I suppose that is one of the feminine traits I will cope up to openly.  The rest good luck on my agreeing to them.

Let the flowers roam free!  Should I start that movement too??


I know the title really doesn’t have much to do with the photo prompt today, but the picture was uninspiring to both AJ and I so we asked AJ’s best friend and she said “Spanish vacation! Cuban cigars! somewhere tropical”.  Those were the things that sprang to mind.

And so thus is our prompt about “Cuban cigars” or in my case my extreme dislike of smoking.  Specifically the smell of smoke from tobacco or anything really.

I’m a fire-starter and I generally smell like a campfire which is good for me because I don’t notice the burning wood smell so much.  But throw in anything else that burns and I’m not a fan.  Ironic yes?

See I remember being 5 and plunging my face into my mother’s jeans and all she smelled like was dirt and tobacco smoke.  I’ve since come to realize it wasn’t dirt but patchouli oil my mother smelled like.  Needless to say the two were off putting and added to my fear.

Smell is a key trigger for me?  Fear is triggered by scents.  Happiness by scents.  Things send me off easily I hate people who wear tons of cologne and perfume.  But I’ve learned to deal with most of it.  So smoking is one of those things that trigger fear.  But again I can’t let that fear make me inactive I try anyway.

I don’t smoke, have never smoked and don’t plan on ever starting.  Last thing I need is to make myself afraid all the time.


1 or 0. Yes or No. Black or White.

The world isn’t binary there are so many shades of grey between white and black, so many infinitesimal numbers between one and zero.  There are no cut and dry anything in this world except when you talk about computers which I don’t.  Sure I can operate my smart phone and my laptop but they are just tools.

The Venatori are much like binary.  There is nothing in between for them. I know I go on and on about how it sucks. But hey this is my head you are poking into so get used to it. I can hear you saying, well do something about it.

I ask you what should I do?

Should I challenge the leader of the Venatori, kill him (or die trying) and become leader and totally and completely annihilate the Venatori in my wake?

Should I stand up and say my piece? Become a voice for the supernatural creatures we harm? People have tried this.  The Venatori’s concession was to create mandatory classes for all Venatori to take discussing supernatural cultures outside the Venatori. So I add my voice to the massive din and I get lost in the chaos.

No, I do the only thing I can do.  I hunt.  I do my job, but instead of outright killing my marks I bring them in for a trial.  I did my best. Now the Venatori have to spend more time and effort on the creatures case.  They can’t not have a trial, the other supernatural creatures would balk at that.

It may not be a fair trial, but I’m not a lawyer. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that aspect of the unfairness of it all.

The world is so not binary.