What a Jerk!

I remember being a child – hiding from the bullies around the corner uttering to Jace those very same words that I know get “what a jerk.” I don’t intentionally shoot my mouth off. I have no filter. I say what’s on my mind even if it’s hurtful. Usually it’s in retaliation for something they have done to me in the past, but not always.

I know my mouth is a defense mechanism to push people away so I don’t get hurt. I know this. I’ve known it for years but I can’t change the person I have become because of my own insecurities.

I will never hid again from the bullies. I will never allow them to push my buttons so that I am afraid of the light. I am who I am and I will remain that way. Don’t like then go away. I do my best to think before I say something but it’s not always possible to catch the nasty things that drip from my mouth unwanted.

I’m doomed to hurt anyone I get close to in one way or another. Or they will hurt me. Rejections, lost love, hurts just as much as a punch to the stomach. Fear is my worse enemy and I have a great many things I’m afraid of.