You knew?

There are a lot of things in my childhood that scares me. A lot of things that I went through that no one should ever have to go through. I did my best to hide that all from everyone. My therapist doesn’t even know the worst of it. I was five when it happened. I don’t lie about it. I don’t make up stories, but there is no proof of what happened – it’s all in my head. Yet it was all very real.

I wake nightly to nightmares. The same nightmares I’ve had since I was a child chased me into adulthood. I lie awake staring at the stars or whatever roof over my head I have at the time and I wonder what it would be like to sleep through the night.

I find it hard to believe that someone out there other than I know what happened. If you knew what happened to me, why didn’t you stop it? How can an innocent child lose such precious time as a child to this demon? But I did, and there is no telling how many other children suffered at the hands of my demon.

My children will not succumb to my demons. I will not let them become fire-starters. I will not let them be subjected to life as a ward of the Venatori. It is why I’ve not done my duty – why I’ve not sired my offspring. And it is why when I’m ready I will devote my life to them.